Having been raised and abused by a mother who was at best psychotic I find that as I ripen with age (turning 61 end of this August) that I have increasingly little tolerance for ordinary people’s neurosis. There seems to be a lot of that in the world. People seem to not only accept what appears to me to be unnecessary and ridiculous neurosis in one another, they appear comfortable with it, perhaps expect it, and do nothing visible over the years to improve the quality of ordinary life as it appears to operate in normal American culture.
I know a great deal about what non-sense is. Readers of this blog know that I know — and that they also know – from years of experience living in a chaotic non-nonsensical world.
Personally I find nothing redeeming – or even remotely interesting – in preserving a phony status quo just because folks delight in turning a blind eye to the truth in their own life and in one another’s. I do not nor do I intend to ever again ‘walk on eggshells’ or pussy-foot around so as to not threaten other people’s reality.
Yet every single person does – obviously – have the absolute right to be who and how they exactly wish to be. It is not my job to judge or to criticize — but after those terrible first 18 years as a witness-watcher-observer — I do see what I see and know what I know. Pretending otherwise does not suit me.
Maybe growing up in the way I did, which spared me even the remote ability to pretend to have anything like a public persona — is some kind of blessing. I remain a social outsider. I have always been an outsider even during the many years in my adult life that I did all in my power to fit in and to belong somewhere.
So watch I do — and people appear in my life and fade away just as simply. Perhaps it is true for all adults eventually that in time only quality will continue and anything else will simply disappear. Perhaps this as it really should be.
I tolerate clutter in my home where I live alone — but oh my do I NOT tolerate clutter when it comes to human beings! Clutter in a creative person’s environment comes with ‘the territory’, is part of the proverbial ‘whole ball of wax’. (!! on that one!)
Just saying — giving myself permission to be both who and how I am in the world? Well, of course I have tried to apply that model to others. But I don’t have a choice not to tolerate myself. I do, however, have the choice to be mighty mighty picky about anyone else being a part of my life, also.
Related post on not being ‘a people person’:
Please click here to read or to Leave a Comment »