+PEOPLE – MOSTLY TOXIC TO ME

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Somehow somewhere along the line of my adult life I made a decision evidently that I did not know I made.  I disrespect myself.

I do not respect who I am!  I am never good enough to please myself.

My latest?  What is WRONG with me that I don’t like people?

I really, really DON’T like people any more than I would like sitting down hard on a very prickly cactus!

Do I have the right not to like people?  What does God think about me not liking people?  “Shame on me for not liking people?”

People – for the most part – seem to me to be yakking squawk boxes.  How dare I say this?  How dare I think it?  How dare I believe this?

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I consider an image that gets to reappear in my thoughts over these past 20+ years — because I was blessed to witness it — a group of Dine (Navajo) men sitting in the shade of a few ancient Pinon trees on a hot New Mexican spring day – talking by not talking, speaking by not speaking.  One would say something — a LONG time went by – a long time went by – half an hour or more — and someone would say something else.

Quiet voices.  Undemanding-of-attention voices.  A different pace.  A different music.

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The pages of this blog are packed with stories of my history.  Enough at the moment for me to mention that people were so little a part of my first 18 years of life – except as shadows of lives lived that had NOTHING to do with me as I suffered under the insane mad-woman abuse of my mother — that people as people did not exist for me at all.

Truth?

I can’t go back and change anything about my childhood – including the isolation and solitary confinement.  Yet how hard it is for me to accept – to respect – my SELF as I AM.

Am I getting closer?  If people are for the most part toxic to me – and even if I feel so often terribly lonely – but being with people does NOT make the loneliness go away but rather exhausts and confuses me — I really do need to stay away from nearly ALL of them!

As I mentioned in my recent post, I am hoping to complete a goat pen for miniature goats – and a bunny cage or two will be in the mix – so I can have friends I can relate to.

It is seeming increasingly clear to me that if God wanted me to be able to tolerate people – to understand or to like them – He could have given me some worthy studies in being one of the more ordinary people during the first 18 years of my life — where the lessons most mattered.

But, no — my lessons were of an ENTIRELY different kind – and they turned me into an ENTIRELY different sort of person.  Dare I accept and respect this fact — no matter what ANYONE else thinks or feels about me?

On a soul level, I am hoping my condition is temporary and will last only as long as I am in a body in this world.  In the next world I hope my soul will be strong and good and forgiven – so that I will not be forced (again) into a kind of permanent loneliness that I NEVER asked for.

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15 thoughts on “+PEOPLE – MOSTLY TOXIC TO ME

    • I was gifted with nearly 25 years of close friendship with ‘traditional’ Native American people – mostly up north – in the end, ‘dysfunction’ was so obvious and healing so needed – had to walk on

      • 😦 I’m sorry. You enjoy your own company? The critters will definitely help! Hugs. From a schizoid-misanthrope (no Schiz, just Borderline, but I have a love-hate relationship with humanity).

        • I know what you mean – good way of putting it! A conundrum – “something hard to understand or explain” –

  1. Oh wow.. I’m so sorry about the loneliness – so deep. It
    Sounds like some prickly people have been intruding. I
    Love to be alone and on good days can feel not lonely.
    My cat is such compamy and we also talk without talking
    Like the Navajo men – I loved that by the way. So peaceful
    And at peace – must be something to do with the connection
    With nature. My earliest memories are of feeling a part of nature
    In a very tangible way.

    I hope you get a speci bunny or 2 to be there like Peter(?) was.
    Sometimes life gets a bit much and God knows you need to rest
    In work. I love the fact that prophrts often were solitary – an important
    Spiritual thing. I think God loves you and knows what you need.. And
    Will provide it.
    Xxxxxxx

    • Yes – and for me letting God love me, letting me love me – both difficult – am stretching myself always in that direction!

      Thru commenter today realized how forever lonely/homesick I am for Alaska. (If you caught any of those comments at right side of home page)

      I also know people who do not listen, guess they really can’t – but they lecture tho I know they mean well – and that is something I have a hard time with, as well. Today I am owning that I don’t owe anyone anything! I spent 18 years suffering to suit Mother – today I try hard to be NICE – and WHY?????

      I realized today – I am finishing the job I began on the yard here – that last section, when done, completes the project.

      links on progress: https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/link-to-us/

      I had a flash of a dream today that if God willed it – once I finish this project completely – could I please go home?

      Home to me on earth is Alaska – really and truly – tho I have always been too poor to live there

      the other home – is not in this world – not in a hurry to get to that one

      am OK here. Have been OK away from Alaska since 1969 – but sometimes I dream…… Like the land there is a part of me, soul and body – and I MISS IT!!!!

      Might this be something – some day – I might honor – and love about myself – and go home??

      xoxoxox

    • Wow, commentary between you here is really illuminating (when I started blogging I would go back & read everyone’s blogs from the beginning, but there simply isn’t enough time in one day to do that now. I’m glad you have someone as insightful as Gingercat to comment, lots of times I find myself not quite understanding unless its a blogger with my exact mental specifications, so I may not speak intelligently but I am sincerely supportive.

      Alchemy, I’m sure its here somewhere, please don’t take offense that I can’t dig in & find out (telecommuting professional, 5 kids, 3 babies at home, blogging, and calling around to mental hospitals to find a bed for past week, would love to read everything – if I get in at ward I want I’ll be able to 🙂 – where are you now? I didn’t think Alaska was so expensive, is it? I have tormented my family with relocation therapy for the past 5 years (maybe even 8 years) so I know what it’s like to be home & feel like you’re at home, but there have to be therapeutic areas all over the country right? (I found metro-Dallas to be anonymous, warm & if you had to go to the grocery store people were pretty nice – Southern Hospitality, I suppose – whereas Brooklyn was such a nightmare I ended up on the Verrazano one night – “Hospitalized in Brooklyn” on my page if you’re interested). Sorry, not trying to be preachy, just wondering if there’s somewhere peaceful nearby without stimulation & where the people tend to be non-triggering & non-invasively friendly (the Berkshires in Mass is like that, although that was where my 1st serious suicide attempt came (“Suicidal Ideation, Remember When” – the stories are well written, I’m told, not hysterical but almost as if they were fiction, if thou art interested in tales of unsuccessful suicide attempts). So just thinking of solutions to potentially reduce your stimulation.

      And finally, re. your comment on the other home – funny, since I was little I thought of death – my own – like that. And when I first heard the word ‘suicide’ – must have been 8 or 9 – it was like I had just met my mom or my best friend or my soulmate – yeah, soulmate – because it was like we knew each other already (my mother was also abusive but she was a schiz alcoholic part time prostitute, so her abuse was not of the intentional variety, so my experience can hardly have been as tormented as yours, just very warped – I have hope for at least the mother ‘figure’). So yeah, HOME. But while there’s hope (goats and rabbits certainly qualify!) it is so hard to commit to going home. Because we can’t leave & come back…

      If you wouldn’t mind citing some of your posts that I might read that would be most informative? Have been following you but would rather ‘know’ you, in the bloggy way.

      More hugs. Maybe I should change my name from Magically Mad to Magically Misanthropic.

      But hugs are for real. I hope the genomic avenue of study that is in its infancy generates some real healing therapies. I really f’n do. For all of us. Or at least the next generation of marginalized sufferers.

      • I hear you – I will be back – have to spend time grounding myself right now — right here in the home I currently have as the blessing I need!! home is where the heart is – i am trying to know my own heart!

        back later! xo

      • By the way – wondering who it is that’s available to provide the caregiving toward stability that your children need? Mine are adults now and well on their way — most fortunately considering the difficulties I have now that are different and in many ways worse than they were during my younger adult years…..

        xo

        • We had the financial luxury of my husband being home for the 3 full years I spent deep, totally-non-functioning. Last spring I cam out of it for no apparent reason (well, I have my guesses), & was fine until April. I telecommute now, so have been home with them the past year+, while I was perfectly stable & fun. I started to see a new psychiatrist & said my concerns were anxiety (the one disorder that remained with me), sleep & concentration. So he maintained my anxiety meds & then put me on Adderall for concentration. This is when I started my blog (1st post is “Adderall, What the Fuck is Your Problem?” – sorry, I am a swearer). My conditions have been treatment resistant, benzodiazepines aside, so while prozac can have positive effects for 50% of patients, I will never be in that 50%, but Adderall’s black box warning label has severe dangerous stuff in order of %. At the bottom is 0.7% of users will experience depression, suiciduality and aggressiveness. I had my 1st ever dissociative experience my 1st week on it. I was terrified. So I did manage to fall into a percentage, a tiny percentage & a horrible one. The Adderall brought EVERYTHING back & I’ve been a suicidal wreck every other day for the past month. Have been doing my best to stablize but finally found a bed & checking in at hospital tonight.

          I have 2 teen daughters – gonna be 17 & 18 this summer, 1 dropped out this year, ACED her GED (genius IQ) & is home with me – she works in Boston 2x a week but is otherwise home with me & is a great help with the kids. My other daughter helps too, when she is not in school or working. And my husband has been coming home earlier every day. At first it was a matter of trying to get it to pass, then I tried combating it with valium (but even that didn’t work – up to 25mg at once & not a DENT) so for the past 10 days I have been planning on hospitalizing. The girls will take care of the babies while I’m away (my daughter’s high school is extremely supportive & accommodating, especially since there are only 4 weeks of school left, she is in all honors/AP courses & is a straight A student, so they’re going to work it out so that she’s home 2 days a week as long as I’m in hospital & they’ll adjust her work as necessary so that it doesn’t overwhelm her, she won’t have the absences counted against her & they said 3 of the remaining 16 days are finals & based on her grades she won’t need to take them anyway. The girls lost their dad at X-mas 2007, so they don’t want to lose me & are very supportive.

          The hospital I’m going into (I hope, they said they’ll have beds at 10 tomorrow, I have to go to ER & hopefully I get placed at McLean – I should, as a ‘legacy’ patient on their Women’s PTSD ward, but am afraid to go to ER too early in case one of the other hospitals has an immediate opening & I get placed someplace where I am not as comfortable & cannot heal in the best environment for me, where I already know the doctors, routines, etc. – have been at other hospitals & McLean is best for me) should help me get as close to 100% as possible so that I can be perfectly stable for kids. Again, it’s only been just over a month since this started, so they have been safe & now I am doing what I need to do to be better for them. My inability to be 100% for them has been a massive source of guilt over the past few days especially. 😦

          So, thx for your concern re babes, I’m doing what I can. What else can you do?

          Glad your kids didn’t experience the worst of it, discouraged that you can go through it & never get better, as appears to be your experience 😦

          Hugs

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