We all have to live in this world one way or another. Me? Evidently more hermit than not, and not because I was BORN this way. Eighteen years of abuse and solitary confinement made me this way.
So I am most grateful for my yard and my home. I love living in the high southeastern Arizona desert because more months than not outside is the better place to be.
My garden is finally completing itself (with my work, help, play, enjoyment, creativity) along the neglected east side of this property. For nearly three years I have viewed ‘the mess’ over there with no vision of what ‘it’ wanted to transform itself into.
Inch my inch I KNOW now — and thanks to a generous ‘free-cycle’ gift of much twisted-weathered 2′ x 6′ give-a-way lumber and as many wooden pallets as I can haul home (and play house with) I will soon have at least 100 feet of solid fencing — for…..
A herd of miniature whether goats
A miniature rabbit
A big rabbit!
I have to make THEM a house – so time to get to the task – after saying…..
AS A CHILD I NEVER WAS ALLOWED TO PLAY!
I listen to the freedom of children’s laughter and their continual banter and chattering with one another.
How could I have survived NEVER being safe enough to have this freedom or this companionship all the way through my 18 years of childhood?
MAYBE GOD WANTS US TO LOVE ALL PEOPLE. IF HE HAD WANTED US TO LIKE PEOPLE I THINK HE WOULD HAVE MADE THEM NICER.
I have lived in this house in this trailer court-neighborhood on the Mexican-American line long enough to have seen the 7-year-olds since they were in diapers at less than one year. I watch those that were old enough to come visit me and hang around in their little groups who are now in their teens begin to have those looks in their eyes – those looks that are so strange to me – the looks of the adults they are soon growing up to be.
I know for a fact I can trust all children before they reach about age 9. After that the look begins to appear in their eyes that lets me know they are critical now (as they should be as they are most able to socially (at least) soon join the adult world). I can tell they now have a boundary line of their own that operates as they lose the ability to trust anyone over their own age. Why should I then trust them ‘in return’?
I am also not one bit a fan of ulterior motives – conscious or unconscious – I don’t care. I grew up with a BPD mother with nothing BUT her own ulterior motives regarding me. I, in direct opposite to Mother, never had anything like an ulterior motive until I was 17 (and that was to sneak out of the house to see ‘Gone with the Wind’ and ‘Rosemary’s Baby’).
I was never allowed – and therefore was not able to – gradually pass through the social-emotional developmental stages that everyone else I have ever met (having never yet met anyone abused in so many ways and under such insane conditions as I was) naturally went through so that the RULES of upcoming-and-arriving adulthood naturally fill up the gaps within people so that so little of the genuine child-of-integrity continues to exist.
UPPITY ME? A LESSON IN HUMILITY?
What’s a missing front tooth? Fine at age 5-6-7, but not at 60. Not when suddenly out of nowhere a front tooth vanishes from one’s top denture!
Where did the tooth GO? I have no idea! Strainer in the sink did not catch that tooth as I cleaned my dentures yesterday morning. Gone gone gone!
Toppled my illusion world of all’s-OK-with-the-world in a big hurry. I don’t have the $$ to run to a dentist to have this all fixed. A friend of mine took my top denture ‘over the line’ to a dentist in Mexico to see what can be done.
I know I was taking too much of my own opinion too seriously. Thinking my older friends need to ‘lead the way’ and get old with their increasingly crappy bodies with GUSTO – with pride! Get a golf cart to ‘run’ down to the horse corral to greet, visit, groom their horses! Don’t be ashamed! Age happens to everyone!
Yeah, right. And me now with no top teeth? Eating alone becomes a huge burden. Forget smiling with confidence in front of others!
Where was I scoring on my uppity-vs-humility (reality) spectrum?
Did the angels (tooth fairies) snatch my tooth to teach me some lesson? Seems so…..
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