In following my last post – +LEAVING WHAT BELONGS TO OUR ABUSER ALONE! I am thinking about a teeter-totter. I see my BPD mother sitting alone on one end alone as an infant-child with nothing but her caregiver’s ‘crap’ being piled up around her while very little goodness is being piled on the other end.
My mother’s end became very very heavy. Eventually (I believe by the time she was 10 years old) her Borderline Personality Disorder had already built itself into her body-nervous system-brain. From there is was only a matter of time before her ‘symptoms’ exploded into her full-blown devastating illness.
My mother was overwhelmed by the neglect, abuse and trauma that came at her in her young life. A natural human tendency is to throw up toxic poisons. Mother’s BPD illness operated like that regarding me. If Mother had not had me to receive what she could not tolerate inside herself – all that black toxic poison that had been piled up on her – I do not believe she could have ‘functioned’ at all.
So, as I said in my last post, her stuff was dumped on me. Somehow (a whole other part of the story) I was strong enough not to need to swallow Mother’s poison no matter how much of it she vomited through abuse onto me. Any residual memories I retain of that darkness do not belong to me, never did, and I have become very clear about my ability to let them go back in the direction they originally came from – Mother.
Another thing that comes to mind is that all insecure attachment disorders, along with all trauma related changes in our development due to early severe abuse and trauma, are actually developmental complications. They are not diseases of their own. Most of the time our lifelong ‘symptoms’ are not actually ‘mental illnesses’, either.
We are just plain trauma altered individuals. More later (of course)…
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