This is an excerpt from a letter I just wrote to a friend – one who lived at the bottom of the mountain below our Alaskan homestead as I grew up —
I wanted to apologize for not being able to write right now. I did send a snail mail off to you — not to worry, I am a tough cookie and will come out on the up side of whatever’s going on for me right now – I am determined
but must find and follow the inner and outer pathway toward that UP direction
Ever since the moment I looked up from spreading new little worms in my newest compost pile a week ago today – and saw that girl so sad and upset — I have not been able to return myself to the happy worm-spreader I was before I saw — and interacted — with her. [SEE previous posts of this past week]
I know I have done all but more praying for that child – it is what happened to ME at that moment/those moments that I am processing.
For the first time – perhaps in my life – I SAW what I looked like for 18 years.
I KNOW what I felt like!
I didn’t want to know. Never in all the moments and years I have traveled since I escaped Mother have I WANTED to know what I felt like as a child. My pretenses have tumbled down, shattered, dissolved.
This depression I have battled with all my life – I cannot pretend to myself anything about it. It is a sadness so deeply rooted within every cell of my body there is very little left — unless I WORK VERY VERY hard to find and create it.
So I am doing that. I have no choice, really. I hate this state. And it takes constant work, nearly constant prayer, constant monitoring of any thoughts I might have to TURN THEM – like a sailing ship – into a better, more positive direction
Because the deep sadness, as real as it is in my body, IS NOT WHO I AM!
Enough said. I will do my 45 min walk, I will eat something good, I will thank and praise God for all the goodness in my life, I will tend the garden, work on the baby blanket I am creating for Little One Dancing approaching his birth — write a little note to you – and I better get busy.
Did I NEED for some reason to come face to face so directly with the desperate sadness I have always KNOWN – no matter what else I have created of a life on top of that sadness – as I have used it somehow for food for a better life?
Someday I will know. Today I do battle.
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