+I SO TRIED TO BE AN INVISIBLE CHILD IN MAD MOTHER’S MAD WORLD

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Today I feel like a character in some Wizard of Oz story that hasn’t been invented yet!!  Well, except if I feel like this character then maybe it HAS been invented!!  Thinking about life can be SO confusing!

Here’s a bit of a context.  I just this morning created my very first facebook event page for the drum and dance group from the Congo whose bookings in our fairly remote area I have been working on these past two weeks.  (There are some previous posts about this process if you scroll down here a ways.)

Here is the event page link!

https://www.facebook.com/events/330901813613605/

All well and fine — except — this is how I ended up feeling as I completed that page!  I sent this note to people I love and who love and support and care and encourage me every day of my life!

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I just want to share this with you

how sad it is that as I just created my facebook event page I have this terrible, overshadowing and nearly overwhelming feeling

That I DID/AM DOING something terribly wrong

and that I am risking getting into terrible trouble

that I have created a disaster

that I made/am making a terrible mistake

!!!!

How deeply rooted this feeling is in my BODY — of course from long ago — but what a personal ‘show stopper’ to be this afraid of putting myself out there, taking a risk —

I strongly suspect these same feelings are deeply tied to my trying to write a book

In this event’s case I am moving forward — but at a very high price personally.  It’s like I am stepping off of the top of a very high cliff into thin air — and I KNOW there is nowhere for me to go but DOWN

This has to, in part, be about from childhood trying my absolute hardest to NEVER BE NOTICED, never put myself out visibly in any way — because my being alive carried such horrific consequences alone — let alone what would happen if I became VISIBLE

Interestingly, this is (as I write this) so tied to my discovery in the book writing that Mother’s horrible psychosis with me at the center of it was that she HAD to keep me invisible!!!!

I cannot feel any joy in what I am doing here with my own actions.  I want to disappear and HIDE and to be never found or seen from again!!!!

very sad
very scary

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This immediate response from my son who is not quite 27:

I know it seems overwhelming trying to organize such an event on your own but I know you can do it! You’ve a very capable person who can accomplish a lot when you put your mind to it. Everything will work out in the end, I promise!

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It is an additional risk in spite of how I feel to even be able to tell anyone else!  Yet I CHOSE to speak.  I choose to speak these feelings here.

In a wider circle of implications as I mentioned in my note, some of my difficulties in my book writing process are most likely tied to this deepest need I was created to feel through continual insane abuse that included long periods of isolation and solitary confinement during the 18 years of my early ‘first’ life — to forever be INVISIBLE!

Being invisible, for me as a child, was likely tied to a wish that I was not alive at all.  While I could not articulate this awareness in word or thought, this was the very real message I received from my home environment.

As I move forward in my life one venture at a time I am coming to understand that what the isolation and solitary confinement did to me was a whole other level of ‘damage’ on top of all the other insane abuse.  The need to remain invisible, to non-exist as an entity in my own right, means that I am not comfortable swimming out into the bigger waters of life and making any ripples!!

I tried to be a ripple-less child!  Mother ALWAYS noticed me.  Her psychosis demanded that I be the center of her attention.  I have worked out in my book writing why this was so — but today I am hit with feelings related to this madness that are very real.

But I will not let these ancient feelings in my body stop me no matter how uncomfortable I may feel.

Click here to read comments or to Leave a Comment »

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11 thoughts on “+I SO TRIED TO BE AN INVISIBLE CHILD IN MAD MOTHER’S MAD WORLD

  1. i have the same feelings of “wrong doing” while i am on my own and an adult. i can hear my dad’s angry voice. and the worst part, its not only my dad’s voice, i can still feel the fear he instilled in my younger me.

    • Yes – and the stress response patterns are there within us – building new patterns does not erase them – I think we are creating new OPTIONS, however, as we expand our range of choices.

      I do believe that acknowledging our feelings is essential to taking our lives into our own hands in the present! Had my mother and my father been able to do this NONE of what happened in our home would have happened at all. But they knew no options.

  2. wow…i really really relate to this. between my father’s terror and my mother’s madness, i was always trying to hide and be as invisible as possible. sometimes i don’t realize why i have the reactions i do to things, but as iwas reading this i realized that’s why i hate things like fb too…it makes me feel exposed and visible which makes me feel very very unsafe…though it may not be a comfort to you…you’re not completely alone with this. i know how alone it can feel.

    i’m so sorry for the panic this work is brining up for you, for the fear. you are so brave to push past it. and so insightful to recognize where it’s coming from. thank you for sharing your wisdom

    • I work to remember that much of what troubles me from the extreme traumatic stress of the first 18 years of my abusive start in life affects

      HOW I am in this body in this world

      not

      WHO I am!!!!

  3. By the way I just joined the group. Facebook presented me with some
    Challenges – being so visible and all! I try not to be too open there I guess..
    Good luck with the challenges and yay to growth.

    • there are lots of privacy options on facebook – at my age, I guess I just skip all that! great of you, for sure! thanks!

      with a $500 offer to completely pay for performances to get this group into the schools here for kids to experience this fantastic cultural exchange — our local high school and elementary have turned the offer down, “We aren’t interested at this time.”

      Unbelievable!!

  4. Wow Linda. My heart goes out to you. You have hit the nail on the head I think – describing so well
    The realisations behind your fear and the fear itself. Isn’t it incredible how your limbic system is trying
    To warn you of the danger. I know what you mean about wanting to hide, such fear of being visible that
    You feel that you are about to get in big trouble. I have been amazed at my body’s response to such fear
    I read today a series of lessons at a self help website with articles under the title of Break the Cycle. What
    Insights I gained is that we all have parts of ourselves that are a bit less integrated when we’ve had childhood
    Trauma. These parts can be: guardians, inner children and managers. Combinations of guardians and inner
    Kids protect and react. Its for those with attachment issues. At the moment I’m still exploring what works for
    Me in terms of greater insight and self acceptance. I realised afresh today how I can get reactive against
    triggers of my fears – want to protect etc.

    It is so scarey and sad – I definitely understand that tho my abuse/neglect was different.
    Your son is right – nice young chap! Just take care, lots of love and thinking of you.

  5. Hi, Linda,

    Thank you so much for your invitation to attend this Congo drum and dance group performance. It sounds fascinating and I wish we lived close enough to attend.

    I am so glad that you have the courage to step beyond your fears and organize this event. I know that even when you have organized other similar events before, it still can feel overwhelming at times to have taken on a such a large task by yourself. As the organizer, I hope that you will have time to enjoy the performance yourself, and I am sure the audience will be delighted with it.

    Myra

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