Today I feel like a character in some Wizard of Oz story that hasn’t been invented yet!! Well, except if I feel like this character then maybe it HAS been invented!! Thinking about life can be SO confusing!
Here’s a bit of a context. I just this morning created my very first facebook event page for the drum and dance group from the Congo whose bookings in our fairly remote area I have been working on these past two weeks. (There are some previous posts about this process if you scroll down here a ways.)
Here is the event page link!
All well and fine — except — this is how I ended up feeling as I completed that page! I sent this note to people I love and who love and support and care and encourage me every day of my life!
I just want to share this with you
how sad it is that as I just created my facebook event page I have this terrible, overshadowing and nearly overwhelming feeling
That I DID/AM DOING something terribly wrong
and that I am risking getting into terrible trouble
that I have created a disaster
that I made/am making a terrible mistake
How deeply rooted this feeling is in my BODY — of course from long ago — but what a personal ‘show stopper’ to be this afraid of putting myself out there, taking a risk —
I strongly suspect these same feelings are deeply tied to my trying to write a book
In this event’s case I am moving forward — but at a very high price personally. It’s like I am stepping off of the top of a very high cliff into thin air — and I KNOW there is nowhere for me to go but DOWN
This has to, in part, be about from childhood trying my absolute hardest to NEVER BE NOTICED, never put myself out visibly in any way — because my being alive carried such horrific consequences alone — let alone what would happen if I became VISIBLE
Interestingly, this is (as I write this) so tied to my discovery in the book writing that Mother’s horrible psychosis with me at the center of it was that she HAD to keep me invisible!!!!
I cannot feel any joy in what I am doing here with my own actions. I want to disappear and HIDE and to be never found or seen from again!!!!
This immediate response from my son who is not quite 27:
I know it seems overwhelming trying to organize such an event on your own but I know you can do it! You’ve a very capable person who can accomplish a lot when you put your mind to it. Everything will work out in the end, I promise!
It is an additional risk in spite of how I feel to even be able to tell anyone else! Yet I CHOSE to speak. I choose to speak these feelings here.
In a wider circle of implications as I mentioned in my note, some of my difficulties in my book writing process are most likely tied to this deepest need I was created to feel through continual insane abuse that included long periods of isolation and solitary confinement during the 18 years of my early ‘first’ life — to forever be INVISIBLE!
Being invisible, for me as a child, was likely tied to a wish that I was not alive at all. While I could not articulate this awareness in word or thought, this was the very real message I received from my home environment.
As I move forward in my life one venture at a time I am coming to understand that what the isolation and solitary confinement did to me was a whole other level of ‘damage’ on top of all the other insane abuse. The need to remain invisible, to non-exist as an entity in my own right, means that I am not comfortable swimming out into the bigger waters of life and making any ripples!!
I tried to be a ripple-less child! Mother ALWAYS noticed me. Her psychosis demanded that I be the center of her attention. I have worked out in my book writing why this was so — but today I am hit with feelings related to this madness that are very real.
But I will not let these ancient feelings in my body stop me no matter how uncomfortable I may feel.
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