I am reposting a few predawn gentle thoughts from a comment I left on my friend, Monica’s great blog — Daughters of Borderline Moms — just now:
Good morning Gingercat, Monica and Ladies! I am up way before the sun, but at least it was 4:30 not 2:30 – being grateful for the small things as well as the big ones — !!
Something came to memory, G as I read your words. I had a therapist one time describe healing work in terms of a beautiful lacy doily. She said the beauty in the doily comes from both the tightly crocheted areas and the open loose ones combined together. She said that’s like the hard-work tough times for us and then we have the open ‘resting’ spots. I’ve never forgotten that image!!
This also reminds me of my middle daughter (who is expecting her 2nd Aug 5th and who is turning 36 in June). When she was 3 weeks old and I was breastfeeding her sitting on our old wool couch that had a large lace doily spread along the back of it. I raised the baby up to my shoulder to pat her back to burp her. As I turned my head to see her little face behind me I saw her tiny finger was reached out and was tracing the patterns of the lace!
Both of these are lovely images for me. I would not be thinking of them right now if you hadn’t commented here – thanks!
And BOY did my Mother not do friendships!! So, of course, neither did Father, neither did our family. Mother made sure we moved from suburbian Los Angeles to Alaska when I was almost 6 – and then off to a mountain homesteading adventure we went. Isolation, continual moving mayhem and madness – such trauma drama!!
Yep, you are 22 years younger than I am and still nobody evidently knew what was going on in your home – really – any more than they did in mine. But you are also HERE 22 years earlier than I am! WONDERFUL!!! Lots of reason for BIG HOPE — and for times of gentle rest for yourself as well as for work in between. We are birthing ourselves!
Oh, and one more idea — if you can find one memory of yourself as a little person – looking at the younger end of you childhood — and then VISIT that memory as if you are visiting your most favorite place, your most favorite person in the universe. Not aggressively, but gently — and repeatedly. Write the memory, draw the memory, make up a little song and sing the memory. Tell someone the memory if that is comfortable. And each time listen for your voice in the center of the memory. Search for your eyes, to see yourself.
Don’t force, don’t push, don’t rush. It’s kind of like waiting quietly in the wilderness for a beautiful wild creature to show itself to you. It’s like ‘self whispering’!!!
I personally believe when our early life is so troubled and traumatic, so chaotic, that it very much is like a terrible storm. Always in crisis. Always unsafe and confused, and worse. We end up leaving the beauty that WAS there because WE were there, behind us. I most appreciate that in my work I have been able to clear a pathway through the terrible rubble so I could find perfect ME in there SHINING!
Anyway, have a blessed and happy gentle day!!!!! Linda – alchemynow