A dream came to me, as best as I can place it, around twenty years ago. Given some specific events of these past few days I know it is not only time to write this dream but most hopefully to live now through its most important elements.
Last Friday evening I enjoyed a pizza dinner out with a new friend. As we were parting in the parking lot he handed me a brochure about the work of a new therapist in a town about 30 miles away from this rural area where I live.
Yesterday I began to investigate if there might be some healing options open to me through this woman’s work. I am on very low fixed disability income without any insurance that will cover the healing work that this woman provides.
Although this woman, who is a Holistic Healer named Jacquelyn Brenner, used to practice in a northern region of Arizona she is now close enough to where I live to be accessible to me.
Here is a link to her website:
While I suspect that I would benefit from more orthodox ‘talk therapy’ at this point in my life I very truly cannot afford that avenue to healing.
More importantly, I have reached a point at my age of 60 — after having spent half of my life pursuing healing for the consequences of the 18 long years I spent being severely abused by a VERY sick psychotic (probably Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)) mother — what I see appearing within the circle of my life is an option for healing that I suspect is far, far more necessary for me than any healing work with words could possibly offer to me.
Those readers who follow this blog know that over this past year especially I have devoted the majority of my efforts toward writing my story of abuse for book publication. I finished the first rough draft that will cover this abuse history up to nearly my 11th birthday.
My goal was to complete this first rough draft by last October. I did. Then when I began to work my way back through what I have written in that draft I reached a point beyond which I could not pass. I have been at a dead-still in my book writing work ever since.
Most simply put what I know about how I feel right now is that VERY WISELY my own self is not and will not allow me to return to my book writing BECAUSE IT WOULD NOT BE WISE OR GOOD FOR ME TO DO SO.
It is the impact of how the severe abuse I suffered from the moment of my birth resides in MY BODY that has me stopped dead in my writing tracks.
Most simply put I can say it is my very wise fear of body memories returning to me in the present during a process of returning to my abuse history’s stories that is preventing me from moving forward. I had one occasion happen to me already with the body memory overwhelming me in reawakened memory of a severe beating my mother did to me when I was 22 months old. (It was when I reached my 2nd writing through this memory that the book writing stopped.)
I cannot now wisely open any door of memory right now that will enable any more of those kinds of severe beating body memories to awaken into my conscious experience in my present. In addition I feel sick in my body right now, and it is scary to me not to feel myself getting any better. My life force seems to be depleted — depleting — every day. This is NOT a good sign or a good way to be in my body in my lifetime!!!!
So, I have been waiting and I have been praying. The brochure that was given to me last Friday does, I believe, offer to me the help and the healing I need RIGHT NOW.
In the listing of services this brochure describes is one I was (until I looked it up online yesterday) completely ignorant of in this ‘real time’ of my life:
I don’t even know how to pronounce those words, but as soon as I found the first information online that is included if you click on those words, I KNEW I know — and have known since I was given the dream I am going to write here now — exactly what this form of healing bodywork IS. Exactly.
At the same time I also knew yesterday that my prayers have been answered. I telephoned Hollow Reed this morning and have an appointment this evening for a discussion with Jacquelyn Brenner about possibilities regarding my being able to work with her.
I am more than hopeful. I am awed and extremely grateful that this healing avenue has appeared in my life. SOME WAY will be made for me to access this healing. The fact that this would be an issue for me was a very clear part of the dream I had 20 years ago.
The Healing Dream
I was in full moving stride with one foot in the air as it was coming down upon the floor just under a wide arched doorway when I experienced a startled shock of awakening into this dream. I knew I had just walked down a long (what I would now call) enclosed veranda that ran down the side of a very large ancient building constructed of massive chunks of cut stone.
I stopped walking as I stood gazing around me with an unsettled feeling that I had always known this place and myself in it — but that I had suddenly and inexplicably forgotten.
On my right along the wide tiled floor of this light filled passage I saw a line of great tubs filled with what I knew was hot mineral water. The tubs and the walls around them were covered with deep indigo tiles, some of them painted with fine delicate yellow flowers with white leaves.
Many beautiful bottles filled with herbs in liquid solutions stood around the edges of each tub. I knew I was here to soak in one of these tubs. I knew I would know exactly which of those herb bottles I needed to use to add medicine to my water.
On my left was a wall of massive glass windows. The window ledges were deep, the walls being very thick. I gazed out at a forest of lush, beautiful perfectly healthy ancient trees. My vision followed the flowing sight of them down the gently sloping curves of the mountainside far down to the edge of a brilliantly sparkling turquoise sea. My eyes followed the sea to a distant horizon.
I turned toward a woman preparing to enter one of the tubs and as I spoke to her I felt distressed that I was speaking fluidly to her in a language that I knew I could no longer recognize. “Where am I?” I asked her. “What place is this?” Feeling foolish and conspicuous in my confused ignorance I also had to ask her what language were we speaking!
I do not remember what she spoke back to me but whatever it was, it was what I needed to hear to instantly feel completely comfortable in all I was experiencing. After I soaked in my bath I dressed in clothing that had been laid for me at the outside corner of the tub’s edge. Having (in this current life of mine) hand woven many fabrics I recognized the high quality cotton and the deep pure colors of the dyes used to create this tunic I put on. It’s colors were of a range of deep indigo, sky blues, radiant aqua tones, emerald and light green — in other words of plant life, of water and of moonlight — laced periodically with very thin fine threads of sparkling silver.
I then left this area through tall wide heavy wooden carved swinging doors and entered a wide hallway very brightly lit and filled with streaming groups of many people. I stood for a few moments once I passed through the doors gazing in wonderment at what I was seeing.
There were groups of people walking together who were wearing the same colors of woven cloth garments that I was. There were ALSO other people moving both ways in this wide hallway that were dressed in garments of the hot fire range of orange, scarlet, deep reds, yellows laced with threads of gold.
These people were VERY tall and very thin and moved in a very straight line as they stared with stern faces straight in front as the walked. Or, I should say, glided ABOVE the floor. These tall stern intense serious people floated with their feet about eight inches above any firm surface.
The blue-green people were very much ‘on the ground’! They moved like wind moves the leaves and grasses, like the moon moves the tides, like water tumbles over ledges and logs and stones. They laughed as they chatted with one another, even stopping at times in the middle of the passageway, blocking traffic so that the stern people gave them invisible frowns as they had to alter their forward straight line glides a little bit to avoid crashes, as the blue-green people gazed at the expressions in one another’s animated faces as they talked.
(It seemed that many were going to ‘classes’, and while it might not be polite to speak ill of dream people, I could say that although perhaps the tall people were regal, it seemed to me also that they were intimidating in their rigidity, if not downright haughty and disdainful of those dressed as I was!)
Having come to some kind of peace with myself that it was OK that even though I had known these people and this place all of my life at this moment everything was entirely NEW to me, I felt inside of myself and noticed that what I wanted to do was to SKIP with abandon and joy down this hallway toward a door I knew I needed to enter.
But SKIP?? Could I DO THAT HERE? What would the red-orange people think? What would they do to me? What would happen to me if I SKIPPED? I didn’t care. With the gleeful abandon of a happy, happy child I held to the wall edges of the hall and skipped through the next set of tall swinging doors.
Immediately after I had passed through them I made a left turn into another narrower hallway, and then an immediate right through a set of shorter, narrower doors into the room that was my goal.
The ceilings in this room were low. The light was warm but quite dim. This large room was filled with what I would now call healing stations, each with a narrow bed with a folded white sheet at the foot and a bodywork healer standing at the head. I walked to one of these beds, shed my woven garment, laid down on my stomach and pulled my unfolded sheet over the lower half of my body.
The bodywork healer went to work.
I payed close attention to how it felt to have this healer work over my body without touching me with hands. I could feel the work happening on the inside of my body. I felt good. Nothing hurt. Until the very end when, having moved what I remember the healer telling me were my “27 points of darkness” to one centralized point on my lower back above my left hip bone, I was told that this would hurt as these points of darkness were removed from me.
And DID THEY HURT! For a matter of perhaps 45 seconds I felt the most intense, excruciating pain I had ever known in my lifetime in this body. The pain stopped. I felt better than I could ever remember feeling.
I sat up on the edge of the bed, sheet wrapped around my torso, as I reached for my woven clothes that were folded on a low stool beside the bed. I remember clearly thinking to myself, “This has been a fantastic, wonderful experience — but how am I going to PAY FOR ALL OF THIS?”
At the end of that thought I again ‘forgot’ about myself in that place — in other words I did the opposite of waking up into that place as I had at the start of the dream as I again was made ‘unconscious’ and asleep to it.
When I awoke to my regular life in the morning I remembered also that in the dream I had been very aware that I had been given a great gift in being allowed to ‘remember’ this place and this healing. I was aware that there were what I might call guardian angels or spirit guides present with me as I was shown this experience.
Yesterday as my eyes scanned the verbal information I found on that webpage about Jin Shin Jyutsu I knew exactly what is going on right now. Why in my dream there were clearly “27 points of darkness” in my body instead of the “26” that this JSJ site mentions, I do not know. Other than that tiny detail, JSJ is evidently the name for what it was that healed me in that dream (although I doubt the physical pain is a literal part of the experience).
A point on the side about this dream is that I mentioned the dream to someone I knew briefly those 20 years ago — I do not remember who it was — but I remember what she said back to me after listening to me describe my dream experiences. “I know that place,” she stated matter-of-factly to me. “I have been in those tubs. I have seen those tiles. I looked out those windows. That place was Atlantis. Did you know it was destroyed because those ‘intellectual’ orange-red people acquired the power to use the technologies they discovered in harmful ways and did not listen to the knowledge the green-blue people had about how to use the technology wisely? You are not alone. I and many others have dreamed this place.”
I could say, “No, I didn’t know that,” but I honestly do not know what I know — what I remember, what I have forgotten.
But I do sure know that I am THRILLED to have found this bodywork healing available to me now! And there has to be a way for me to ‘pay for’ what I need in my lifetime – now!