It is time for me to remind myself of something I wish I had known a long, long, long, long time ago: Except in the very best of circumstances in my life I AM ALWAYS HURTING!!
Especially as the winter sets in (even though I live way south now), as the temperatures drop, as the light fades a little more each day, and as the holiday season approaches — I MUST remember this fact.
I have written many times in the past upon this blog about the neurochemical often referred to as Substance P that communicates physical AND emotional pain signals to the brain.
IT IS CRITICAL TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BRAIN HAS NO WAY TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN ON THE BOTTOM LEVEL! Pain HURTS!! Physical pain hurts. Emotional pain hurts!
What matters most to me is the knowledge that when I feel chronic emotional pain IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I do not believe I was born ‘this way’. Chronic severe infant-child abuse did this to me.
There are situations and circumstances that alleviate my pain for periods of time. These periods of reprieve are always temporary because the pain is chronic. Today I remember this feeling has always been with me for as long as I can remember. When I feel ‘down’ I need to separate the pain from MYSELF. I am NOT my pain.
Some days are just harder than others. Today knowing where this pain comes from so that I don’t have to ‘blame’ myself or what’s happening to me in my present life for the bulk of this sadness helps me to put the pain into perspective. I remember to be wise, kind, gentle, positive, hopeful, patient and compassionate with myself — and realistic about what I expect of myself.
Infant-child abuse hurts — for a lifetime.
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