+WAITING FOR WISDOM

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“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23“I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:22-24

Sometimes I comprehend images in my mind that are so clear I cannot deny that I am being faced with a scene that is telling me something important about myself in my life.  In my book writing process I have encountered one of these images.

As I communicated with people dear to me yesterday I verbalized this image I have about my writing as I told them, “I am standing with my nose to a massive mountain cliff side that is so tall and so wide I can see no top or side to it in any direction.  I cannot move forward in my writing, at least not now.”

The next level of my awareness about my writing is that I cannot tolerate the misery I feel now as I write about my miserable stories of the misery I endured from severe child abuse during the first 18 years of my life.  True, I have written the first massive rough draft of the first book, but I cannot now tolerate ‘facing’ its edit.

After yesterday’s conversations I have decided to put down my book writing pen at least until January 1, 2012 at which time this entire topic will be reconsidered.  It might be that I will never be able to tolerate the writing of this book.  It might be that with prayer and with a break-time for healing and increasing my strength and endurance on all levels, something will change during this resting period.  I do not know.  I believe the answer will appear through faith and prayer.  If God wants to remove this mountain I am facing, He will.

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I found some more clear words this morning that I also believe refer to what I am now facing – the entire quote is posted here (bold type is mine):  *SOUL AFTER DEATH (AND STORIES OF THE SOUL):

And now concerning thy question regarding the soul of man and its survival after death. Know thou of a truth that the soul, after its separation from the body, will continue to progress until it attaineth the presence of God, in a state and condition which neither the revolution of ages and centuries, nor the changes and chances of this world, can alter.  It will endure as long as the Kingdom of God, His sovereignty, His dominion and power will endure. It will manifest the signs of God and His attributes, and will reveal His loving kindness and bounty.”

Blessed is the soul which, at the hour of its separation from the body, is sanctified from the vain imaginings of the peoples of the world. Such a soul liveth and moveth in accordance with the Will of its Creator, and entereth the all-highest Paradise. The Maids of Heaven, inmates of the loftiest mansions, will circle around it, and the Prophets of God and His chosen ones will seek its companionship. With them that soul will freely converse, and will recount unto them that which it hath been made to endure in the path of God, the Lord of all worlds. If any man be told that which hath been ordained for such a soul in the worlds of God, the Lord of the throne on high and of earth below, his whole being will instantly blaze out in his great longing to attain that most exalted, that sanctified and resplendent station….”

* Author:  Bahá’u’lláh — Source:  Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, US Bahá’í Publishing Trust, 1952 revised edition, 1971 5th printing, pages 155-158

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It seems possible to me that as I attempted in my book writing to begin to express what my soul knew, even during my first terrible beating that I know of from my mother when I was 22 ½ months old (with my father watching), which is where this ‘cliff image’ appeared beyond which I cannot write, that I have encountered what may well be a spiritual truth:  Perhaps what I experienced – what my soul experienced – during my first 18 years of life spent in hell – is something that is NOT meant to be written about or to be disclosed while I live in this body on this earth.  Perhaps my stories are meant to be “recounted” to an entirely different audience:  “With them that soul will freely converse, and will recount unto them that which it hath been made to endure in the path of God, the Lord of all worlds.”

It this IS TRUE I hope to know it by the first of next year.  If I am meant to complete any book, certainly this first one, I have to know that something extremely GOOD is meant to come out of this effort.  In the meantime I am not going to worry about what only faith and God can show me.  I will spend these next weeks strengthening my body and soul.

I do know for a certainty that my story is about what happened to me and how I survived living with a mother so sick in her body-mind that her soul seemed to have been barred from her conscious access – so that terrors of evil pervaded her relationship with me.  I find my answers in pondering the truths I posted at this page:  *DEATH, SICKNESS OF BODY AND THE SOUL

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