What is this book going to be? Is it possible to address its main text to a very wide audience? This has not been defined in my mind yet, or in my daughter’s either. How many men would read a book on my topic compared to women? Mothers and fathers, daughters and sons, people of all reading levels, many levels of education, some with their own trauma and child abuse histories, some with no trauma or child abuse history, some with ‘recovery’, some with none at all?
I was thinking today how the ‘me’ that has this story to tell is not the ‘me’ that lives in my day-to-day world. The ‘me’ that has this story to tell lives behind a veil. It is I today with the words, not that other ‘me’.
The ‘me’ that I am today, the ‘me’ that I have gradually become since the day I left home at 18, practiced to fit into other people’s world, those that I have encountered along my way, at any rate. The ‘me’ with the story never fit in anywhere. I share that with ‘her’ — the not fitting in. I STILL don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t belong. My history of 18 years of severe abuse did that to me — that I have not ever really been able to change.
So I am not sure I can write to any audience, really. I can guess. I can try to tell a story that has interest and meaning to other people. But I wonder, “Why would my story mean anything more to anyone than the girl did that I was while I lived through that hell?”
How does a single, singular story stop being exactly that? Where and how does a story cross that veil, cross that barrier between self and other? How do our stories achieve meaning to anyone else besides our own self?
What is significant about my story? There are so many other things I would rather be doing right now. The kind of things I used to do without thought or question — just meandering down the road of my life. Why now do I believe I have this JOB to do? Why do I believe that it matters to anyone else if I write my story from behind the veil or not?
There is no glitz or glamor in my story. There will be nothing spectacular in this story. Only truth.
Worth a look: Combating child abuse and its effects