+SOLILOQUY – WHEN WORDS FAIL ME

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A friend on Facebook kindly posted this to me this morning.  Somewhere in all these following words is a kernel of truth I am having a very difficult time grasping and articulating in my book writing.  This difficulty has brought me to my proverbial knees.  I doubt Emerson’s talent ever allowed him to become overwhelmed by words.  But, then, much of what overwhelms me is that my reality when I was so small was so hurtful — AND overwhelming.  Trying to find the grown-up ‘place’ inside to write of these things is not an easy task.

(Related to post and comments here:  *Age 15 – MY ‘VISION’ – ALONE NAKED IN THE WOODS SINGING)

I am grateful for my Friend who posted this for me this morning:

“”Standing on the bare ground,—my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinite space,—all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eye-ball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part and particle of God.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

My soliloquy in response:

I know that feeling. I was that eye-ball until I left home at 18. It’s too strange, though, to never have had any egotism in the first place because it was not possible through abuse — but your words here comfort me. They really do. That was me THEN “I am nothing” but it was so ‘not normal’ –

Just like a camera lens, that is what I identify about myself looking backward

An infant is born that way, full of potential for interactions with humans and life — This is exactly where I am ‘stuck’ right now – for all the memories I have always kept of being attacked, the 1st one in the crib, the first terrible beating when I was 20 months old — the potential for attack constant — as I have looked back into MYSELF — I — ME myself and I — was in this state Emerson described at my core every time it happened. I am at a loss at present to ‘talk’ about this – so have no idea how my book of the 1st ten years of my life (the other 8 being left for another one) can truly be written to communicate this fact.

I knew at my core nothing that happened to me had anything to do with me. At my core I was not emotionally involved. Yes, I physically suffered. Yes I was sad and hurting and scared. It is all very strange

In human terms it is a crime past words to remove from a human being, from a child, the right to develop the opportunity to make one’s own choice and decision to RETURN to this state.

Yet now, at 60, I have in the end achieved this end nonetheless! But I have different memories of how I got here, and a whole lot of questions. In the end I can see what happened to me only as a gift beyond mention, beyond words — because it is beyond most human comprehension and I can think only of words related to spirituality to describe it.

Once my parents moved us to Alaska when I was 5, once they found the mountain homestead, I was placed in the womb of the world in that wilderness, and in my remote places I thrived. Yet building a bridge and crossing it into this ‘regular’ world has never happened ‘rightly’ – strains of autism is all I know of to suggest the actual changes in body-brain physiology that occur to a developing infant-child as a result of not being allowed to ‘grow into the world’ as Thomas Moore describes in his book “Care of the Soul”

Coming into the world backwards – it was my breech birthing that triggered the whole mess in Mother’s mind as she believed she was dying and the devil was coming to get her, in the form of me. Backwards into the world I came and slid those first 18 years. I believe most normal adults know being human and fake remembrance of the world of origins. The rest of us abused from birth spend our lives faking our feelings and belief that we know what being human is.

I was thus enabled to witness the signs of God reflected in all of His creation — I just missed the part of being able to see those signs reflected in the most important of His creations — humankind.

Where I first began to witness the perfections in humankind was in the mirrors of my own children.

Now, the challenge: To learn to witness those signs reflected in my own self and in every other human being……

Difficult, having first witnessed the depths of evil in those who raised me.

From my earliest memories until I left home at 18 I knew 3 things. Two of these I knew without words and therefore without thought: The natural world was TRUE and it was PERFECT. I observed both unequivocally. The third I knew on that level PLUS I knew it with words and therefore in thought: It was greatly BEAUTIFUL. I was able, therefore, by the time I was very small able to see that beauty in many places besides ‘out in nature’.

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Answers to many questions – found at this post: 

+HOP! HOP! THE BLOG FROG’S PICK OF PAST POSTS

I need to return to the book writing!!  Lots to read at this link above in the meantime!!!!

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