There are very few trauma memories from my abusive childhood that I can return to and think about freely. I wouldn’t freely choose to return to them AT ALL if I didn’t believe there is healing in this process of book writing through which I am finally, at age 60, working to tell the whole story in order of the first 18 years of my life — for the first time ever. I have written most of the ‘stories’ as vignettes of separate memory on this blog at ++MY CHILDHOOD STORIES with the bigger context for these stories at +DEVIL’S CHILD – My Childhood.
I am mentioning this today because I have finally copied from my stories this one — *Age 9 – BLOODY NOSE – so I could drop it into its ‘slot’ among my book writing history where it belongs. It has taken me MONTHS just to be able to face going to the blog to find this account so I could move it into the main story I am writing. I will NOT read it today, nor am I ready to go into the memory again to write it anew for the book – which might need to happen further down the road when the book begins its editing process.
In other words, being able to tolerate REMEMBERING – or re-membering – ourselves in our own childhoods of abuse is most often an extremely difficult piece of work for us to do. I am a firm believer that each soul is created with a craving to seek love. That we are destined to search for the love of God and to give it in return back to God and to all life around us – including to ourselves – means that even as an infant and a child I was NATURALLY doing this seeking whether I knew it or not.
Naturally an infant-child seeks attachment to its parents from birth. When love is nowhere to be found, what happens inside the little one? When direct HARM exists as evil in direct opposition to what God and nature intends, does the soul of a little one KNOW great injustice is being done to it?
This post follows yesterday’s +IN MY ESSENCE, in which I posted this link: *THE 1ST 21 HIDDEN WORDS. In light of the very difficult memory I could barely tolerate retrieving today to place in its slot in my childhood story, I am pulling out two of the Hidden Words at this link I mention here in reference to what I believe my soul knew from the instant God created it at the instant of my physical body’s conception:
“2: O SON OF SPIRIT! The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest (p.4) Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.”
“4: O SON OF JUSTICE! Whither can a lover go but to the land of his beloved? and what seeker findeth rest away from his heart’s desire? To the true lover reunion is life, and separation is death. His breast is void of patience and his heart hath no peace. A myriad lives he would forsake to hasten to the abode of his beloved.”
In these quotes the reference is to the ultimate return to the love of God. In the reality of my childhood the environment I existed in was full past the brim with the opposite of love. That doesn’t mean my soul wasn’t SEEKING love in the physical world I was living in. This is what my ‘Nosebleed’ memory is fundamentally about. Not only was I naturally and rightly seeking love from the PEOPLE in my life – from my parents and siblings – I was seeking the FEELING of what it FELT like to be loved.
During my ‘Nosebleed’ experience I DID experience the FEELING of what it FELT like to be loved by my family and as a part of my family. The story is terribly tragic, yet the glistening perfection IN MY OWN HEART, IN MY OWN SOUL shines out clearly to me down the corridor of the intervening 50+ years that have passed in earth time since this experience happened to me.
During this experience, as evident in the memory itself, I for the first time in my life felt what I FELT to be loved just for a few moments without the evil black lightless enveloping cloud of hatred for me as a child being present!! For the first time in my life the SUNSHINE of LOVE shone on me!! What a MIRACLE this felt like to me!! No matter what the actual facts of the experience were, this MIRACLE of LOVE was real – absolutely REAL – because it is WHAT I FELT!!
This is why I have kept this memory. It shines through the inky sucking dark corridor of my childhood, and I think I remember it because my SOUL chose to keep this piece of information about myself in my life available to me – for GOOD reason. In the midst of the sickness that generated, maintained and expressed great pervasive evil of terrible hatred, abuse and trauma – I was NOT a part to ANY OF IT!
As I now retrace my steps to look at my spiritual history of being a soul with a body and an earth (ego) self I can see that MY story, what I remember of myself in my childhood, is ALL GOOD. I also am beginning to see that I did NOT dissociate spiritually from myself in the midst of those 18 years of trauma. My SOUL simply was NOT attached to negative emotion. I did not PERSONALLY accumulate the negative within my environment THAT DID NOT BELONG TO ME.
My soul felt and kept the shining light of justice. I never consciously thought about, questioned, wondered about, or felt anything related to — “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why am I being treated like this while my siblings are not?” or “Gee, my life is so hard and I feel so sorry for myself” or “Gee I hate Mother” or “I am so MAD about what is being done to me.”
I have always thought I did not because I could not because I had been deprived of any outside input of ideas that would have let me know what was happening to me was wrong.
Today my thinking is shifting. I am beginning to suspect there was something about myself as a SOUL that ALWAYS knew what was happening to me was wrong because my soul had been created with that knowledge of what God tells souls about justice. I knew INNATELY the reality of my experience. I had absolutely no need to question or complain. My soul ALWAYS knew that what Mother did to me and what Father allowed her to do to me was not only wrong – BUT IN REALITY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME WHATSOEVER!!!
In other words, my soul knew the TRUTH. I, as a human child, STILL searched for love. I did not, however, despise my world for not providing it to me. In this ‘Nosebleed’ memory I simply EXPERIENCED, as I say, the FEELING of what if FELT like as a human being to FINALLY FEEL LOVED by the whole-of-my-family. I needed to know what that feeling was, and except for whatever contact I had with my remote Grandmother, and the love of my baby brother who was 13 ½ months old when I was born, I had no other clue about what love was in the physical human world.
That I ALSO never forgot what my soul knew of what if felt like to be loved by God — who created my soul out of His love for me in the first place — was not something I consciously knew as a child. I am only now in these present days beginning to recognize this level of everlasting love.
So in essence I think I slid right on through the 18 years of terrible abuse and trauma of my childhood with my soul essentially untouched by it just like a home-run baseball hitter does, sliding safely to the plate untouched by a human hand holding a ball. “SAFE” the umpire shouts as the crowd goes wild with celebration and glee. “SAFE!” Thank God, that runner is me.
NOTE: I am still engaged in a study about what my soul felt during all that abuse. Did my soul know sorrow? Or was the sorrow only a ‘surface body-based feeling’ that was very rightly triggered by severe painful harm?
MEANWHILE!! Listen here — Music for my soul