I was conceived in and born into this storm reflected in a dream my severely abusive mentally ill (probably Borderline Personality Disorder) Mother recorded in her diary on March 29, 1960 (when I was nine years old) —
“The whole family was out walking and suddenly we looked up to see a dark rainbow appear – then it got bright and behind it a skyline appeared outlining massive dormed buildings such as I’ve never seen and skyscraper buildings– then it all disappeared and a big wind came.
We realized it was a hurricane. We could hardly stand up against the wind. We saw big apartment buildings on the sides of the streets but the entrances faced another street and we were on the wrong side. The wind grew stronger – finally a door appeared and we went in the building and the person asked us what was wrong? We told her of the great wind but as we pointed outside – all was silent and the wind was gone … and I awoke.”
What did I understand about my life in this storm? Certainly as a newborn I ‘logically’ understood nothing. Mother’s abuse of me was so persistent and comprehensive that I was left without any other frame of reference to think about myself in my life but hers. As I work now to write the whole connected story of my childhood, can I look back and see that there was EVER a point in the 18 years and one month I lived being abused by Mother that I actually had any more information about the reality of my life than the one I was born with?
Nope! Mother and HER reality ruled and only on one occasion did I have one important sentence appear in my thoughts to counteract all the abuse Mother did to me from the time I was born.
I’ve written about it on the blog before – and will write about it again when I get to the age in my story I was when this single sentence appeared. Without presenting any other details, I will tell you what that sentence said: “Linda, it is not humanly possible for anyone to be as bad as your mother says you are.” I know this piece of information saved me (I have not yet tracked in my book-writing my exact age when I heard this statement but I was somewhere between age 11 and 15).
Up until that moment I had never been given a conscious clue that I was even human. People who have been following this blog know that my mother suffered a psychotic break in delivering breech me, believing ever after that I was not human, that I was the devil’s child sent to kill her while I was being born, and that because we both survived I was sent as “a curse upon” her life. By the time I was 17 and a senior in high school I know for a fact that in my conscious mind (such as it was) I completely believed my mother. She had spent my entire infancy and childhood making sure I did.
But RIGHT NOW in my book writing process I no longer give a single solitary HOOT about ANY of that abuse that violently happened to me FROM THE OUTSIDE OF WHO I WAS/am from the moment I was born (and in Mother’s thoughts even AS I was being born). I want to know what was happening for me on the inside of who I was/am.
Who among us can remember what we knew at the moment of our conception? That is how far back I am having to travel as I retrace my own story of existence to find out what I indeed ALWAYS knew in my soul — because that information was outside the range of what crazy mean Mother could touch.
I am looking for what my SOUL knew. I will not write any further in my story than I already have as I crossed my 11th birthday without first retracing my existence to find this out.
In the most profound way possible I am beginning to suspect that the MASSIVE abuse I suffered was at the same time my greatest blessing. Never in my childhood was I betrayed as my mother was in her childhood. Nobody ever told me they loved me. Nobody pretended to love me and then tortured me with withholding that so-called love from me. I just plain never had human love, and that fact probably saved me.
I did NOT become confused as my mother did. Her story is not my story to tell although I have a great deal of information about what happened to her, as I write about elsewhere. At this point, it is MY story and my story only that concerns me. Because I was not allowed to exist as a person in my own right, I never got myself mixed up in the affairs of the world — and as strange as that statement sounds, this fact matters most.
I am leaving here a link to what I believe are God’s words about the conception and creation of every human soul. These words describe our only relationship that truly matters to our soul. I had this relationship with God from the instant I was conceived — and I did not lose it by becoming entangled in my own affairs as a child. I was created innocent and I stayed that way.
True, I was beaten black and blue, verbally abused nearly continuously, exiled from my grandmother, my father, my siblings and nearly all other people. But Mother could not exile my soul from God.
I did not exile myself from God, either. I did not feel anger at Mother. I did not covet what my siblings had that I did not have. I resented no one. I felt no self pity. I asked no questions nor did I wonder about what happened to me or why it happened.
I endured with the patience born of soul, and I did it without contaminating who I am with darkness.
Did my soul CHOOSE to remain pure and unsullied by the tortures inflicted on me, or was this process outside the range of my control? Did I have some kind of spiritual protection that kept me from being contaminated by the massive sickness and horrors directed at me by my mother and allowed by my father?
I lived the first 9 months unharmed in Mother’s womb. That was all I had before my suffering began. What was my true experience of enduring the next 18 years of terrible abuse? I don’t have the answers I want right now. I did, however, find the very clear words recorded at this link — *THE 1ST 21 HIDDEN WORDS posted today on this page — GOD LOVE to guide me as I retrace my steps of searching back to what I knew from the moment I was created as a soul with this body.