I never intended to be writing a series of posts, but that appears to be what I am doing. I have too much work to do to remain in this place of being stuck for very long. I mentioned the word “crossroad” in my earlier post today. What I am finding to be more accurate is that I am at a “Y” in my writing0learning-healing-growing road of life, not a crossroad.
Yes, I am retracing my steps. I realize this is what my whole book-story writing process is all about. Today I am recognizing that I have followed my own life back from age 11 (where I am ‘stuck’ presently in my book writing) back to my age three shortly before my fourth birthday. Although this story has been rewritten for the book, the incident that I am at this moment finding to me exactly where the fork in the “Y” of my life took place as I recorded it earlier on this blog: *Age 3 – THE TOILET BOWL
Only if I had slowed this far down in my writing-retracing process could I have FINALLY seen this critically important point.
Every time I have ever had this memory return to me I remember the few seconds that took place after Mother finished her outraged assault on little me, threw me down against the iron of the bathtub, and stormed out of the room.
Always I have had a sense that ‘angels were present’.
Always I have had a sense of something within me ‘leaving’ or ‘parting ways’ with me.
Today as I begin ever so slowly to move forward again inside of myself with my book-writing journey I realize I could not move any further ahead into my story when I was eleven without first being able to discover what happened to me at the juncture of this toilet bowl abuse incident.
Somehow, and I don’t yet have the ‘correct’ words to describe this, the extremely traumatic life I had lived as Mother’s abused child up until those few seconds just mentioned above, my ‘worldly self’ and my ‘soul self’ were on the same track — as they should have been.
Had I been in anything like a safe and secure attachment environment my ‘self’ and my ‘soul’ would have continued their journey together as one growing entity — one entity in wholeness proceeding to develop, mature and grow up through my entire infancy and childhood to become a whole and healthy adult.
I was not safe.
Not at all safe.
I suspect that as humanity becomes more spiritually mature (such is our destined evolution as a species) adults, most certainly parents and teachers, will be able to clearly understand how all aspect of a little person is maturing at the same time. Our culture does not agree on spiritual matters at this time in our history, so it is up to each of us individually to become clear inside of our own self what relationship we maintain with our soul and with our Creator — and with all the other souls around us.
What I needed to know NOW is that up until this age-3 toilet bowl tragedy I was still whole. After this tragedy my self as I lived in my body had to make it forward because this self-soul AVAILABLE connection (for my own growth and development) was forced through severe abuse to be severed. (As I said, no words to describe this yet.)
As I wrote my age-10 memory of another massive abuse attack on me I realized something critically important is contained in my memory about this time — because something important happened. I know what that is now. Today I realize another level to that ‘story’ is the fact that for the first time since ‘the toilet bowl’ I was able to experience a connection with my soul. Yet again, however, Mother’s sickness and resulting abuse forced my growing ‘material self’ to part ways yet again with my ‘soul self’.
I want to make clear that my soul did not GO anywhere. The available access that I could have been forging between these two wings of my existence on this earth was interrupted and wounded.
This also lets me look ahead to other parts of my story I know happened that are connected to this ‘theme’, most importantly the vision I will probably rewrite for the book, but that exists currently on the blog at this link: *Age 15 – MY ‘VISION’ – ALONE NAKED IN THE WOODS SINGING
Everything I discover now for the rest of my retracing-book-writing will be affected now that I found that spot at the “Y” of my childhood road so that I can now invite both sides of me (material and spiritual) to the dialog that needs to happen between them so that I can find the truth about myself in my childhood — and write it.
Previous related post (with links to others included): +”WE BOTH KNOW….” SAYS MY SOUL-SELF TO MY WORLDLY-SELF