A note to child abusers who find their way to my blog: If you are someone like my mother was, who herself suffered her entire life from the devastating disease of Borderline Personality Disorder, you will be most uncomfortable here. My words speak the truth rather than perpetrate the lies of those who unfortunately developed their own body-brain in an early atmosphere that robbed them of the capacity to truly know right from wrong.
My mother had no conscience. She did not have the ability to experience remorse. She had no ability to experience life within an ordinary, non-distorted reality. Mother had no powers of self-reflection. She had no power to consider the truth about her actions of oppression, tyranny and terrorism that she committed against the children – especially against me – that she brought into the world. My mother was more dangerous than a rabid dog, and no power in heaven or on earth can silence my words about the truth of what this woman did because she was capable of doing what no sane person could imagine against me.
If it has taken me until the age of 60 to have gained the arsenal of scientific truth about what happened to cause my mother’s illness and about what her actions did to change the entire course of my life, so be it. In recent years our nation’s Center for Disease Control is beginning to document on the broadest scale yet the permanent and irrevocable damage severe stress and trauma during early infant-child development causes survivors. Wrapping the truth about infant-child abuse up with paper made of deceit and half truths and tying this bundle with the ribbon of denial is deadly.
Evil exists in this world. Silence breeds evil. So does doubt. If there is anything a child abuser wants in life it is to have the truth of their evil actions against helpless infants and children buried beneath the deception of lies. Part of how child abusers’ actions remain unnoticed in our society is through the silence of the voices of those who know the truth and either cannot or will not speak it.
The light of truth makes those who live a life of lies (either by choice or without choice, as my mother did), cringe to the core of their being. The power of truth is its exposure of what is true and good and right. Truth does not participate in deception. It does not hide or hide from factual accounts of wrong doing. It does not try to deplete another person’s efforts to discover the truth or to speak it.
The intergenerational transmission of unresolved trauma between people most often within families continues to happen until someone along the line says, “Enough is enough! I want to know what this trauma has to say about life in the past so that we can change our lives in the present to live a life of increasing well-being WITHOUT THE TRAUMA IN IT.”
I believe it was divine destiny that preserved 70 years of my mother’s words on paper until those words could make their way to me. My mother was robbed by the physiological changes her young body went through in its development in response to severe traumatic stress passed to her by those who were her ‘keepers’. In consequence to these changes she went through, she developed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which I believe is one of the most dangerous diseases a mother can have because it allows a mother to directly transmit to one or more of her children even worse traumas than what she herself experienced during her earliest years of life.
I have the ability to discern my mother’s severe illness in her every action. BPD is an illness that invades its host to the core of the molecular operations of every cell in their body – permanently. The distorted filter of information that a BPD body-brain lives with protects the host of BPD from knowing the truth – all truth. My mother’s body told her on an entirely unconscious level that if the truth ever made it into her awareness it would destroy her.
Every action my mother took against me was in her effort to block the truth of her own pain from her awareness. When she rammed my head into a toilet bowl when I was four, when she attacked me with a club intent on killing me when I was ten, when she viciously knocked me down in a giant mud puddle when I was fifteen insisting I crawl around saying over and over again, “I am a pig, I am a pig,” her efforts were to obliterate me as a human being separate from herself so that I could serve her purpose of being her stand-in replacement for her own internalized ‘bad-evil’ self inside her own Borderline hell – so she could escape.
My mother could not afford to let me escape from hell. If I escaped she would then be returned to her own hell – and in her sickness to her that meant obliteration and death. In other words, I spent 18 years with this mother being a non-person, a non-self. Any time any piece of ME appeared within the range of Mother’s perception she renewed and escalated her vicious abuse.
True, my mother was severe Borderline – a psychotic one. Yet the truth about BPD as neuroscientific research can now see on brain scans of the BPD brain in action, is that they have and will forever have a different kind of brain from normal. While there are plenty of adults who perpetrate severe abuse against infants and children, it is my belief that the delusions BPD creates in the brain-mind-selves of its hosts is probably the most dangerous because of the power ALL mothers and earliest caregivers of infant and children have to FORM the brain-mind-self of their offspring.
Borderlines are nearly infinitely able to influence the thought perceptions of others in such a way that their victims can easily fight for their entire lifetime to know the truth about what happened to them at the hands of their tyrannical, terrorist abusers.
I fully expect that the truthful words on this blog will offend every child-abusing Borderline who finds their way to these pages. Their offense is my surest means of knowing I am doing my work well because the mirror of truth that this blog holds will directly conflict with the deceptions that the BPD disease creates in the body-brain-mind-self of its hosts. I will not, however, allow the toxic contamination of any abuser’s mind stand here unchallenged.
Nor do I in any way blame BPD readers for not being able to comprehend what this blog is about. That BLANKNESS within them is a direct consequence of the terrible disease that someone who could not and did not care for them properly during their most dependent months and years of life triggered in their genetic survival-at-all-costs arsenal of trauma response capacity. The severest of BPD people will walk their entire lifetime over a difficult path trying to negotiate far more than other people will a challenging pathway about what it means to “Cause no harm to self or to others.”
May true beauty surround and heal us all.