I just wanted to applaud my grown-up self for finding the willingness to find my way back in time to myself at age 10 so that I could help myself “put the burden down” about some of the things that happened during May and June of 1962. I was becoming worried about myself not having it in me to retrieve those horrific memories of abuse that happened to me during that time.
I found I could not approach those memories at home alone at my computer. I have left my home for a series of days to write in public places where people were around. This time period needed to be written out in a different way. It needed not only to be written in an arena of human activity, it needed to be written by hand, one honest word after another, on paper.
I finished the main text of that writing today and now will take a break at least for tomorrow before I transcribe that writing onto my computer. It struck me today that I literally needed to put that memory down on paper to help myself put the burden of what happened to me down at the same time. That will never be entirely possible, but it is my belief that it is in finding the goodness inside myself during the times abuse was happening to me that will join me in the present with the life in me as a child.
It also struck me today that this piece of writing will probably end up being a book in itself, and probably the first one to come out of this 18-year saga of severe abuse I have to tell my overarching story about. It struck me that this era of middle childhood, smack in the middle of my growing up in Mother’s Borderline madness, covered a crucial time of change and transformation for me that in turn directly triggered a massive response of abuse from Mother.
Looking back I am beginning to understand that given the toxic environment I was growing up in, it could have been predicted that such an outbreak of horrendous violence was going to be triggered and would play itself out. It strikes me that it would very likely be exactly this time frame in an abused child’s life during which identification of abuse might most likely be made.
Whether a child would be helped through that period of time or not matters. I believe a book focused on this segment of my life has much to offer those who are fostering, caring for, and/or adopting a middle childhood aged child who has suffered abuse.
Time will tell how the writing progresses from this point forward, but first….. I need a break as a very wise friend just reminded me! But I just accomplished an important and extremely difficult piece of writing. “Kuddos to me!” And thanks for reading and for caring!