It seems to me that if what ‘experts’ are referring to in the description of Borderline Personality Disorder is related to what I wrote in this post and what is written in its comments
then it would be far more helpful to all concerned to talk about what is really happening UNDERNEATH what might appear on the surface to be ‘a fear of abandonment’.
Humans are absolutely born with needs for safe and secure attachment. In fact, ALL mammals are born with these needs. Our entire physiological makeup is designed to run best when these needs are met birth to age one primarily because it is during the stages of development during that time that all the physical chemicals in the body along with the building of our primary social and emotional right brain gets put together, told how to operate and are built into us in the first place (including essential messages from our earliest environment that tell our genetic material how to manifest itself in our lifetime).
Our attachment needs are PRIMARY. If earliest attachments SUCK then what we need to build our body-brain RIGHT in the first place is simply missing. It is completely natural that neglect and abuse changes how we develop. In my case, as I describe in that post, I was left without the capacity PHYSIOLOGICALLY to feel what it feels like to be loved.
It’s not a far stretch for me to understand that my Borderline Mother was built the same way. This means that her unmet safe and secure attachment needs were unmet, and then ended up building her body-brain so that they would NEVER truly be met — just as my body-brain was built that way.
We might as well ‘call a spade a spade’ and fool nobody, especially our self.
My mother’s Borderline condition prevented her from being able to KNOW the truth about how trauma changed her as it built her. She lacked the self-reflective ability because of her Borderline condition from being able to clearly recognize what she felt or did not feel about anything.
As I wrote yesterday about my mother in a section of the book I am working on:
My mother was TERRIBLE with money causing problems for her family that I am sure were as directly caused by her early trauma-formed brain changes as were all her other problems including her inability to reason, plan for the future, learn from past mistakes, consider consequences of her actions, care about the impact her behavior had on anyone else, or even to be able to remember her own self in her own life – one decision past the next one.
She listened to no one, took responsibility for nothing, truly cared about nobody and to my knowledge was incapable of learning anything throughout her entire adult life. I give all the credit for this discredit to the early traumas of her life that changed the physiological patterning of her development especially in the first year of her life and after that time period, through her fifth year of her life. All of her traumas were directly connected to flaws in her earliest caregiving environment that FIRST created within her a disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment disorder that then combined with her genetic potential to land her squarely in the midst of Borderlineville.
I was not robbed of the capacity to recognize what is wrong with me. My mother was. But when it comes to the so-called Borderline ‘fear of abandonment’ I think we need to name this for what it really is: The inability to FEEL loved by someone else — no matter how many others truly DO love us and try their best to get us to KNOW this. If we can’t FEEL what if feels like to be loved, the set-up for disaster is this: We so desperately NEED to feel love we will do anything in our power to at least keep our HOPE alive that someday we WILL be able to feel it — if only. If only WHAT?
If only we had not been so neglected, deprived, maltreated, traumatized and abused PRIMARILY birth to age one — that the wiring in our body-brain that is required to process on a feeling level this information of FEELING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LOVED — could not be built into us in the beginning of our life as it SHOULD HAVE BEEN — during our most rapid and most critical stages of development.
Not having this wiring does not create Borderline Personality Disorder.
It happens to everyone who was severely abused as an infant who did not have some other primary caregiver to attach to safely and securely.
That this condition shows up in BPD is significant because it IMMEDIATELY signals that serious trouble was present birth to age two – if not from conception. This is, I believe, the foundation of all TRUE ‘fear of abandonment’. It is a logical and natural physiological consequence of early relationship trauma.
Survivors of this kind of earliest caregiver trauma have essentially had this ability AMPUTATED from them! In their physiological BODY!! Call it what it is, folks! A criminally caused permanent condition that is a direct result of INFANT ABUSE!