Drained. Nearly completely drained. That’s how I feel right now. While there was nothing traumatic about my outing this morning to pick up the baby chicks at the feed store 15 miles away, how my body (and I, right along with it) reacted to this excursion could seem beyond belief to me if I didn’t know myself as well as I do now.
There’s a feeling the body has after an encounter with an acute traumatic stressful-distressful experience. After all the emergency reactions have taken place, and after the threat has passed, the body goes into a ‘relief’ stage that almost feels like the stellar opposite of the acute trauma state. I am in that state now — even though nothing happened TODAY to trigger it!
I know it does me no good to judge the state I (and my body) are in right now. I simply document it. I feel like the only thing I want right now — no crave right now — is nearly absolute stillness.
This need for stillness is past ‘quiet’. It is passed ‘tired’. This state seems related to one where even the action of breathing demands more than I (and my body) wish to expend.
Spent. I feel spent.
I am not going to try to ‘figure this out’. There is no figuring, I figure! Somehow (at age 59) my body seems to have spent so much energy just to survive the first 18 terrible and traumatic years of my life, followed by what it took of me to make it through the next 40 years of being ‘relatively OK’, there is just very little left in my ‘get on with living’ category of expenditures.
This is a need for, a desire for, a craving for a state of nearly absolute quiet and peacefulness. It is a state where there is no ‘rise to the fight’ left in me.
As I write this I find myself remembering a state that I imagine was very close to the one I am in right now that I have called in my adulthood ‘The Watching State’. During those first 18 years when I was so viciously and brutally abused, it seems that all that I could really manage to do in between my mother’s attacks on me was to simply WATCH.
I was never allowed to PARTICIPATE in the life of my family in anything more than a very marginal way. Much of what my mother did to me in between her direct physical attacks of me was to confine and isolate me — alone. THAT state I found myself in wasn’t even a Watcher state. Those times I was in a Listener state. And that Listener state began when I was born as my mother isolated me alone in my crib away from all things human.
So, thinking about it as I pay attention to how I feel at this moment, I realize that how I feel even lacks the energy required of me to be either a Watcher or a Listener. Both of those states required that I be attuned to the activities of a world outside of my own body.
I don’t even have the energy, or the motivation, or the passion at this moment to do anything more than breath.
That’s OK. It has to be. This is the way I get to be on occasion at this point in my life. This state will pass. In the meantime I need to be very care-full and respect-full of myself. Patient. Kind. Accepting. Compassionate and understanding. Encouraging. Positive.
The image I see/feel from my right brain-body is of a lake with a dam whose water has been let out to replenish life elsewhere. The dam is back in place, but it will take time for the lake-of-myself to fill back up again.
Time is hence my ally — as is waiting. As is not demanding or expecting or punishing or shaming myself right now. The last thing I need is to pressure myself right now. I had enough pressure during the first 18 years of my lifetime to last a hundred lifetimes. So I am gentle with myself — the tide that has washed out will wash itself back in again.
Looking back at what I just wrote I find it interesting how many times I said ‘right now‘. There would be a clue in this fact — if I had the energy to even think about it!