I just spoke in length with my daughter again about my current predicament about this stage of work with myself and with my mother’s writings. I need to regain the position that she helped be obtain several weeks ago that allowed me to remain more remote and objective as I work this intimately with the words of this woman, my mother, who tortured and abused me for 18 long years.
Part of what I recognize at this moment is that I am summoning an immense amount of personal courage and determination as I pursue this work. What I am trying to do seems almost like an impossible task. I am hoping to find something good and useful, helpful, truthful and beautiful within a context of terror, trauma and unspeakable suffering.
I am believing in the GOODNESS of humans. All humans, even those who commit terrible crimes – as my mother did against me. I want to be fair, truthful, and I want to do this work with my own integrity intact – beginning to end.
I want to honor my species. I want to recognize our amazing powers of resiliency. Yet at the same time I can feel the damage within me. I cannot make that damage go away. As I work with my mother’s writing I also understand that how she was so hurt as a child damaged her, also. If it is true that there is goodness in all of us — I want to be able to recognize that goodness within my mother.
At the same time I am also looking for the damage. Where the brokenness of my mother met her goodness, a human being lived her life. I do not seek to judge her. I seek to understand.