+FOOLED BY AN ABUSIVE BORDERLINE? – MY MOTHER’S EXPERT DISTORTION OF REALITY

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see also:

+MY ABUSIVE BPD MOTHER LOST HER WINGS – AND NEVER GREW UP

How expert are you at being able to detect the twisted reality presented by a severely abusive Borderline?  The clues to the truth do not lie with the Borderline, they exist within the empathic abilities of outside observers to know the truth from a lie.  This ability to know true reality from the lies of a deceptive reality so marginally exits within an abusive Borderline that I would say it does not exist at all.

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For example:

Brain Scans Clarify Borderline Personality Disorder

By Rick Nauert PhD

Using real-time brain imaging, a team of researchers have discovered that patients with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are physically unable to regulate emotion.

The findings, by Harold W. Koenigsberg, MD, professor of psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine suggest individuals with BPD are unable to activate neurological networks that would help to control feelings.   READ ARTICLE HERE

(NOTE:  In later posts I will write about my father’s participation in my mother’s distorted reality.  I believe he had an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment that meant his brain could regulate emotion to the extreme — but not in a normal way.  His brain, which could overly activate ‘neurological networks’ that helped him overly control his feelings, was the perfect compliment to my mother’s Borderline brain.)

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WHAT HAPPENS WITHIN THE BORDERLINE BRAIN?

++

Perhaps the most important piece of information those of us who were severely abused and traumatized by a Borderline Personality Disordered mother need to understand is that our mothers had/have a completely different kind of brain.  These severe Borderline brains are expertly created through completely natural (and possible) processes of distortions in early childhood that in the end make the brain differences most difficult to detect unless and until we know what we are looking at when we consider the Borderline behaviors that manifest themselves as a result of early brain developmental changes.

We also need to understand that as a consequence of early traumatizing experiences a Borderline’s entire nervous system development (the brain is ‘just’ one component of the Central Nervous System) were changed and altered as well.  This means that my mothers Autonomic Nervous System, which regulates both stress-defense responses through its ‘GO’ sympathetic arm and the connecting, compassionate, caregiving and seeking responses through the calming arm of the ‘STOP’ parasympathetic branch (think ‘pair-a-brakes’) were changes, as well.

I now understand that everything about who and how my severe Borderline mother was in the world was different from ‘normal’.  What is harder to understand is why it took me so long to figure this out, and why nobody – not one single person including my father and grandmother – was able to detect the incredibly severe, consistent, perpetual, and horrible trauma and abuse my mother perpetrated against me for 18 long years.

What makes an abusive Borderline mother’s violence and horrible treatment of her offspring (most often, I suspect, of a ‘chosen child’) so nearly impossible to detect?

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I am presenting here a letter my mother wrote to her mother just prior to the first visit to Alaska to see us that my grandmother made after we left Alaska in August 1957 a month before my sixth birthday.

The distortion in my mother’s thinking about me that really shows how subtle and pervasive her psychosis was is present in this letter as I describe it in my comments within the text.  My mother’s Borderline reality, and her psychosis regarding me (age six at the time this letter was written) would be impossible for an outside reader to detect.

The same processes that make her psychosis (and the abuse it engendered toward me) impossible to detect are the same ones, I suggest, that made her abuse of me undetectable to others all during the 18 years of terrible suffering my mother caused me.  If readers think ‘undetectable deadly toxins’ as they read this, perhaps they will be able to twist their own thinking back to a normal-reality perspective as the proceed through the following words.

The biggest problem contact with a severe Borderline psychosis creates is that people with Borderline brains are so complete in their distortions of reality.  They spin such a believable story, weave such a believable lie, that nobody but the most trained observers can possibly begin to detect the deceptions the psychosis contains.  When a person encounters a Borderline such as my mother was, all rules of human decency are suspended, and the outsider does not have a clue – not a single solitary clue – that these rules have been changed.  Everyone outside of the Borderline’s skin becomes instantaneously consumed within the distorted reality.

I can say here that I don’t give a solitary damn myself about anything I write here.  My concern is for those poor, pitiful, unbelievably tortured other people who grew up being the victim of a twisted Borderline’s reality – and with all those helpless, powerless suffering children who are trying to endure a Borderline parent’s torture at this present moment in time.

I know what I am talking about here.  My mother was probably among the best of the best of the best of abusive Borderlines.  Her web of deceptions was as impeccable as it was sinister and destructive.  And it was invisible, evidently, to all but her single chosen prey – me – and my poor siblings who had to live within the darkened home she controlled and ruined.

Because I was born into my mother’s hate-filled psychosis – and I mean this literally because the core of the psychosis formed during her labor with me – I had no possible way to begin to understand that my mother’s reality was not real.  The discoveries of REAL reality I uncover as I work with her 50-year-old-letters only come to me because I have found a way to take a safe stance as I read them.  That safe stance is ONLY possible now because I have enough information, finally, about Borderline brain changes to detect the clues that show me the presence of my mother’s invisible psychosis when I encounter them.

I am able to make the invisible visible.  There is no action more empowering for a severe early infant-child abuse survivor than this.  As you read the following you will be a part of experiencing this process in action.  Turn up the volume of your sensitivities here – turn it WAY up.  The truth contained in the deceptions of an abusive Borderline’s lies – that create the reality they BELIEVE – are so subtle as to actually exist exactly at that BORDERLINE the name of their disorder suggests.

The BORDERLINE appears, like a line drawn in invisible ink, exactly at the place where the observer can detect THEIR OWN INTERNAL EMOTIONAL CLUES that a deception of such grand proportions actually exists that it seems beyond belief.  It is at this BORDERLINE where what does not possibly seem believable is in fact BELIEVABLE that the expert Borderline brain’s creation of distorted reality becomes no longer invisible.

A Borderline such as my mother was does not possess within the operation of their brain or entire nervous system-body the capacity to detect the deceptions that form their reality.

The detection of the deceptions can ONLY come from those aware observers from the outside who have the capacity to – actually – experience the near outer-limits of EMPATHIC ability.  Observers have to know their own self, be able to sense with exquisite, accurate sensitivity what they are themselves feeling – within their own body – as they interact with an expert, professional Borderline like my mother was.

My mother’s Borderline deception-reality was NOT ACCURATE, but it was profoundly presented as such, as it is in this letter.  The clues to the truth do not lie here within my mother’s words.  They lie within the body-brain-mind of the outsiders who read them.

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An example of the pervasively subtle psychosis my mother had about me — along with my comments.  My grandmother was soon to come for her first visit since we had left Los Angeles and moved to Alaska in August of 1957 a month before my sixth birthday:

June 4, 1958

Dear Mother,

Imagine – 10 more days and you’ll be here!!  Does it seem possible?  Yesterday morning I looked at the calendar and was amazed to see that the happy day falls one week from this Saturday.  But then I became concerned.  It’s the best day for you to come but also the day I planned John’s party for the boys.

This is going to be a business letter as I’ll see you to chat in no time at all now.  I do feel he needs a party.  I wrote you about his shyness and Jo Anne’s remarks etc. and I’ve had quite a time overcoming this.

Then this summer I knew he had to have boys to play with and yet he didn’t want to go to Vanovers.  They’re big boys for their age, bossy and dominating – like her and he’s too young to understand their talk and sarcasm – and far too sweet and sensitive.  I knew he needed self-confidence this summer.

Well, I encouraged him to go to Headlows who I found out that they have 3 girls and one boy – perfect match?  He’s a darling boy6 and John and he hit it off from the first.

Then another boy Johnny Johnson moved to the hill.  His Mom owns the Department store at the shopping center.  She’s nice and so is he – I like the Headlow boy better but they’re both nice.

Now yesterday Gerry Vanover came over but he’s loud, bossy etc. but I was nice and John was happy but still prefers others.

Now his party will be perfect.  He needs it and I’ve promised.  I want it late afternoon and a BBQ – hot dogs and rolls so it won’t interfere with your arriving except this:  it will be an all boy party out doors and I don’t want the girls here. [She drew a little sketch for invitations that ‘John can draw’ showing person at BBQ.]

So last nite Bill and I talked it over and arrived at the conclusion if it suits you.  At first I was afraid it would be too much for you to arrive midst a child’s party but you could rest indoors.  Your plane is due to arrive around noon – give or take one hour!  We’ll take girls over to Le Verne’s house.  Her mom takes care of children anyway and I adore Le Verne.  I’ll talk it up to girls – give them new color books and some ‘party food’.  They’ve never been to her house and they’ll enjoy it.

I’d rather we all met you but plane could be one hour late or early so this way Bill and John will meet you – OK?  And I’ll wait home.  We’ll take you sight seeing Sunday and have family party Sunday too.

You’ll be here for that and meet boys too!  Then after party we’ll all go get girls!!

Oh Mom, I get so excited!  I’ve missed you so!  Won’t it be wonderful?  I’m working like mad to get house all clean, waxed and fixed so we won’t have a thing to do.

Bible School starts 9th through 20th and 3 older ones will go so you can rest and we’ll visit first week – only Sharon will be home.  Even she knows you’re coming and talks about it constantly.

Now does this plan meet with your approval.  I could go too if I was sure plane wouldn’t be late – we’ll see.  I’ll have his party at 3:00 – 7:00 or could be 4:00 – 7:00.  I’ll have house clean and food ready, potato salad, cake, etc.  He’ll be in 7th heaven and deserves it.  Will give him our gifts on Sunday.

Now I haven’t asked Le Verne yet.  Let me know your reaction right away!!

We’re planning lots of things to do on week-ends and Bill is going to buy a jeep truck today – good buy, only $600 and he needs it to get back to homestead – then I’ll have the car!!

First week relax.  2nd week-end trip to Girdwood Road and Portage Glacier and visit gold mines and pan for gold!!!  This is road will connect with our Eagle River Road when put through.  [Linda note:  2010, the road was never ‘put through’.]  We’ve never been to these places but have saved them for when you get here!!

Next week = you and I and children to Palmer and Valley.  Nice ride, paved road and we’ll take picnic and visit Rusty Dow – a character and painter.  I want to get some for art shop.  Fun?  Bill’s been to Palmer so we’ll go during week.

Week-end trip and stay over night – to Homer, Alaska.  Colorful, interesting beautiful scenery but rough, dirt road and long trip but FUN.  Another week-end to Seward.  A long day trip and picnic!!

Evening – Fire Lake Lodge and Spring Creek Lodge for dinner at nearby places.  Chart Room in town at Hotel.  Music Festival in Anchorage.  We’re going first Monday to visit gift shops with Alaska Woodcrafts – Mr. Bockstahler’s new wife – you’ll like her.  We want ideas and you’ll enjoy it.

So much to do and see.  Weather is coolish in 60s and 70s – I think you’ll need sweaters and blouses with sleeves.  Nights are light and cool!

We have beds all planned.  Children go to bed as usual and when we all turn in – we transfer Cindy to cot in John’s and Linda’s room and you sleep in Sharon’s room on folding bed.  It’s full size and comfortable – roll-a-way OK?  There that’s settled!

I’m not planning on having neighbors over – you and I will visit them!  I want to enjoy your visit and not plan parties OK?

One Saturday or Sunday we’ll drive in to see country back in but no need to hike

Remember, I wrote you I was to be Brownie Leader’s Assistant – sounds funny.  I hate not to keep my promises (like a Good Brownie) and had hoped to do it with Linda but I got so worried.  Kathy P. was to watch children.  She’s nice but just turned 14 and a flitter budget.  I got worried and this morning wrote a note saying I couldn’t help.  I feel terrible but better!!  Creek has risen so it’s not recognizable as same gentle stream.  It’s overflowed and is fast, dangerous and deep.  They never go there without us but might.  At night you can hear water rushing even in house.  The rapids and current is so strong – a child could never stand up and would be washed to river immediately.  Makes me shudder!!  I couldn’t leave Cindy and Sharon with her.  I told her I could help after 14th.  She’s expecting and wanted me to take troop while she had baby in July.  Also I’d be gone 4 hours and that adds up in baby sitting $ and I don’t trust neighbors.  What a worrier I am!!

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[Linda note 2010:  Doesn’t surprise me she would find major reasons not to do something with me – and not to admit that she hated doing anything with me.  I am really surprised she let me go – but having there would NOT have been good for me at all, either, of course.  Her tone here is completely different than when she just wrote about doing a birthday party for John, even though at least here she is not ‘slamming’ me directly (at least).

My mother very rarely writes such a single long paragraph, either – confirming my suspicion that her unconscious would in no way allow her to participate as a loving mother in anything that had to do with me.  Very cunning, sounds so legitimate.

Another side to this is that no doubt it SEEMED like something a GOOD mother would do, help with a Brownie troop.  I putting together her Borderline public façade, her public persona, being seen as THIS KIND of mother would have been a good thing – like a prop in her pretend mother play.

Yet at the same time my mother lacked the capacity to ever concern herself, truly, with someone else’s needs.  It became apparent to my mother that this would not have been a pretend activity.  She would REALLY have had to take over this troop, REALLY and actually HELP, do something real outside of her own kingdom, her own range of control and influence.  She knew she would not have been allowed to be her own true controlling self in this outside environment.  The light of day would have shown up both her true intentions (that she did not see or comprehend) and her actions.

In addition, she certainly would not have been allowed to act toward me as she always did.  She would not have been able to control and overrun me in the public setting of a Brownie troop group.  At the same time, if she were away from her home, she could not have controlled what happened there, either.  That faintly, perhaps, her precious doll-baby-children MIGHT have gone too near the creek and MIGHT have been endangered was NOT a concern for her children’s safety.  It was a concern based on her obsession that her children were not only her possessions; they were extended parts of her self – her mind, her psyche and her sickness.

It is never the sign of a healthy, normal safe and secure parent-child attachment when the truth that lies within the attachment is that the parent’s deep psychological needs are involved in ‘getting met’ in the relationship.  When this happens it is an activated parental insecure attachment disorder that is operating.  When this happens, true caregiving for others is not possible.  My mother was, as my sister recently noted, her children’s and her husband’s ‘puppet master’.  She could not be in true relationship with anyone, not even with her own self.

These altered patterns of relationship are so subtle, at least within a very disturbed Borderline, that they are nearly impossible to detect unless the observer KNOWS what they are looking at.  Because I have spent the past six years carefully observing my mother’s thinking and behavior as it appeared in her letters, all constructed with few exceptions for an outside ‘public’ audience that I can begin to notice where the deceptions in her thinking appear.

Even though my mother was purportedly writing to her mother privately, these letters, preserved as they have been for over 50 years, were written by my mother with the intention that someday they would be used to write ‘an Alaskan book’.  On those very few occasions where I can see, touch, taste, smell my mother’s distorted thinking within these letters, I cannot ignore what I know.  This small description of why my mother suddenly could concoct a completely believable (to her or to anyone else) reason why she could not assist as a Brownie scout leader in a troop with her daughter in it is one of those times I can see how pervasive her psychosis truly was.

My mother mentioned the creek to her mother in a letter written the day before this letter was, and she mentions nothing risky or sinister about it:  “The creek is full and deep now as glacier and snow melts.”  But the presence of too much water in the creek gave her the perfect alibi when she needed it.  I don’t for one instant believe any of her children, especially Cindy who was extremely responsible as she approached 5 years of age, especially with John in the house when my mother was gone as he approached 9 years of age, would ever have gone near this creek alone – nor let sister Sharon approaching age 3.  That my mother is saying she could not trust a 14-year-old sitter to watch her children safely is hog wash.  Just plain Borderline-psychosis-constructed nonsense.

A Borderline does not have the capacity to conceive either of self or of others in a normal way.  Everyone outside of my mother was an extension of herself, a living prop in her drama-play at life.  That she – and everyone else – did not see or know what was going on in our home, in her life, or in her psyche did not take away from the fact that her psychosis touched and influenced everything she ever did.

My mother evidently somehow decided for this one year of my young life that it served her purposes to let me participate in Brownies.  I have no reason to believe that this one experience would have been her single exception to her rule of making Linda’s life perpetually miserable.  Somehow my being a Brownie made my mother look good in the public eye.  This was my only childhood experience that let me get away from her influence and be around something meaningful and positive, and to interact as a child (age 6 here) with adults who treated me as the child I was.

For anyone reading these words who doubts the accuracy of what I am describing here in regard to my mother’s sickness, let me mention that one of the hallmarks of the Borderline mother is that NOBODY is supposed to ever detect the presence of the abuse these mothers so expertly enact upon a child.  A Borderline like my mother was is an absolute professional at deception.

Part of the reason why deception like is being presented her in my mother’s account is so effective is that it comes from a completely constructed invisible, unconscious reality that exists BECAUSE the ‘owner’s’ psyche is completely contaminated by their disease.  This pervasive contamination is like a highly effective contagion.  It contaminates the growing mind’s of such a parent’s children, and it contaminates the psyche (unconsciously) of everyone who comes in contact with a professional-psychotic Borderline.

I encourage any reader who disagrees with my hard-earned ability to decipher my mother’s mental mess to take a look at how this kind of deception, so carefully constructed that it legitimizes whatever the Borderline mother turns her thinking toward no matter how insane, how out-of-touch with actual reality it might be.  If you doubt me here, you believe my mother’s version of reality.

It is for the same reason you might doubt me (and my reality) while believing my mother’s lies that nobody ever detected the 18 years of severe abuse my mother perpetrated against me.  My mother was very, very, very good at what she did – creating an alternate reality based upon her distorted brain’s operation that seemed to make sense to everyone, her own self included.

I am the only one alive who knows the truth about how this Linda-being-a-Brownie scout chapter of this story progressed, and more importantly, how it ended.  Our family moved out of the Log House by the end of the summer of 1958, eventually into an apartment in Anchorage for the winter, and back to the Log House in 1959 by which time the homesteading saga consumed our lives in earnest.  By fall 1959 I was back in Brownies, and had sold the essential Brownie Scout Cookies.

The afternoon I collected the money for the cookie sales, put it into a Milk Dud box, and then had it all fall out through the faulty bottom of the box without my noticing this was happening, before I returned home, marked the ending of this story with unspeakable, and unbelievable distortion and violence.  My mother accused me of stealing the money, and because after hours in the evening twilight of retracing my every step through the neighborhood of Eagle River searching for the fallen coins I could not find them, I was accused of being a thief and a liar and was beaten afterwards severely – not once, but every time my mother brought up my ‘crime’ until I left home at 18.  ]

++

Now John for first time is old enough to come and go and is so good about coming back in one hour – etc.

Children need me at home and I can spread myself too thin.

I trust you and Bill in day time and Le Verne at night and 3rd choice days.

Golly so much to write.  I only earned 1.75 imagine – Sunday!  People looked but didn’t buy.  Tell you more later!!

Children still asleep.  I’ve been writing this in bed.  Got Bill’s breakfast and got back in.  They sleep late mornings til 9:00 or 10:00!  So you’ll rest too – of course Bible School starts at 9:30 so will have to get them up early.

Guess what?  Methodist bought Briggs new 30,000 house for the new parson for the new full time Methodist Chugiak Minister.  Now what do you think of that and new church to be built!!

Mrs. Pottle wants me to help with tea for him Sunday?  Probably will take children here if improves as never get to [words washed out here] visit both while you’re here.  Must close!  Love, Mildred.  PS.  Can hardly wait – you know me.

June 4, 1958

Dear Mother,

Imagine – 10 more days and you’ll be here!!  Does it seem possible?  Yesterday morning I looked at the calendar and was amazed to see that the happy day falls one week from this Saturday.  But then I became concerned.  It’s the best day for you to come but also the day I planned John’s party for the boys.

This is going to be a business letter as I’ll see you to chat in no time at all now.  I do feel he needs a party.  I wrote you about his shyness and Jo Anne’s remarks etc. and I’ve had quite a time overcoming this.

Then this summer I knew he had to have boys to play with and yet he didn’t want to go to Vanovers.  They’re big boys for their age, bossy and dominating – like her and he’s too young to understand their talk and sarcasm – and far too sweet and sensitive.  I knew he needed self-confidence this summer.

Well, I encouraged him to go to Headlows who I found out that they have 3 girls and one boy – perfect match?  He’s a darling boy6 and John and he hit it off from the first.

Then another boy Johnny Johnson moved to the hill.  His Mom owns the Department store at the shopping center.  She’s nice and so is he – I like the Headlow boy better but they’re both nice.

Now yesterday Gerry Vanover came over but he’s loud, bossy etc. but I was nice and John was happy but still prefers others.

Now his party will be perfect.  He needs it and I’ve promised.  I want it late afternoon and a BBQ – hot dogs and rolls so it won’t interfere with your arriving except this:  it will be an all boy party out doors and I don’t want the girls here. [She drew a little sketch for invitations that ‘John can draw’ showing person at BBQ.]

So last nite Bill and I talked it over and arrived at the conclusion if it suits you.  At first I was afraid it would be too much for you to arrive midst a child’s party but you could rest indoors.  Your plane is due to arrive around noon – give or take one hour!  We’ll take girls over to Le Verne’s house.  Her mom takes care of children anyway and I adore Le Verne.  I’ll talk it up to girls – give them new color books and some ‘party food’.  They’ve never been to her house and they’ll enjoy it.

I’d rather we all met you but plane could be one hour late or early so this way Bill and John will meet you – OK?  And I’ll wait home.  We’ll take you sight seeing Sunday and have family party Sunday too.

You’ll be here for that and meet boys too!  Then after party we’ll all go get girls!!

Oh Mom, I get so excited!  I’ve missed you so!  Won’t it be wonderful?  I’m working like mad to get house all clean, waxed and fixed so we won’t have a thing to do.

Bible School starts 9th through 20th and 3 older ones will go so you can rest and we’ll visit first week – only Sharon will be home.  Even she knows you’re coming and talks about it constantly.

Now does this plan meet with your approval.  I could go too if I was sure plane wouldn’t be late – we’ll see.  I’ll have his party at 3:00 – 7:00 or could be 4:00 – 7:00.  I’ll have house clean and food ready, potato salad, cake, etc.  He’ll be in 7th heaven and deserves it.  Will give him our gifts on Sunday.

Now I haven’t asked Le Verne yet.  Let me know your reaction right away!!

We’re planning lots of things to do on week-ends and Bill is going to buy a jeep truck today – good buy, only $600 and he needs it to get back to homestead – then I’ll have the car!!

First week relax.  2nd week-end trip to Girdwood Road and Portage Glacier and visit gold mines and pan for gold!!!  This is road will connect with our Eagle River Road when put through.  [Linda note:  2010, the road was never ‘put through’.]  We’ve never been to these places but have saved them for when you get here!!

Next week = you and I and children to Palmer and Valley.  Nice ride, paved road and we’ll take picnic and visit Rusty Dow – a character and painter.  I want to get some for art shop.  Fun?  Bill’s been to Palmer so we’ll go during week.

Week-end trip and stay over night – to Homer, Alaska.  Colorful, interesting beautiful scenery but rough, dirt road and long trip but FUN.  Another week-end to Seward.  A long day trip and picnic!!

Evening – Fire Lake Lodge and Spring Creek Lodge for dinner at nearby places.  Chart Room in town at Hotel.  Music Festival in Anchorage.  We’re going first Monday to visit gift shops with Alaska Woodcrafts – Mr. Bockstahler’s new wife – you’ll like her.  We want ideas and you’ll enjoy it.

So much to do and see.  Weather is coolish in 60s and 70s – I think you’ll need sweaters and blouses with sleeves.  Nights are light and cool!

We have beds all planned.  Children go to bed as usual and when we all turn in – we transfer Cindy to cot in John’s and Linda’s room and you sleep in Sharon’s room on folding bed.  It’s full size and comfortable – roll-a-way OK?  There that’s settled!

I’m not planning on having neighbors over – you and I will visit them!  I want to enjoy your visit and not plan parties OK?

One Saturday or Sunday we’ll drive in to see country back in but no need to hike

Remember, I wrote you I was to be Brownie Leader’s Assistant – sounds funny.  I hate not to keep my promises (like a Good Brownie) and had hoped to do it with Linda but I got so worried.  Kathy P. was to watch children.  She’s nice but just turned 14 and a flitter budget.  I got worried and this morning wrote a note saying I couldn’t help.  I feel terrible but better!!  Creek has risen so it’s not recognizable as same gentle stream.  It’s overflowed and is fast, dangerous and deep.  They never go there without us but might.  At night you can hear water rushing even in house.  The rapids and current is so strong – a child could never stand up and would be washed to river immediately.  Makes me shudder!!  I couldn’t leave Cindy and Sharon with her.  I told her I could help after 14th.  She’s expecting and wanted me to take troop while she had baby in July.  Also I’d be gone 4 hours and that adds up in baby sitting $ and I don’t trust neighbors.  What a worrier I am!!

[Linda note 2010:  Doesn’t surprise me she would find major reasons not to do something with me – and not to admit that she hated doing anything with me.  I am really surprised she let me go – but having there would NOT have been good for me at all, either, of course.  Her tone here is completely different than when she just wrote about doing a birthday party for John, even though at least here she is not ‘slamming’ me directly (at least).

My mother very rarely writes such a single long paragraph, either – confirming my suspicion that her unconscious would in no way allow her to participate as a loving mother in anything that had to do with me.  Very cunning, sounds so legitimate.

Another side to this is that no doubt it SEEMED like something a GOOD mother would do, help with a Brownie troop.  I putting together her Borderline public façade, her public persona, being seen as THIS KIND of mother would have been a good thing – like a prop in her pretend mother play.

Yet at the same time my mother lacked the capacity to ever concern herself, truly, with someone else’s needs.  It became apparent to my mother that this would not have been a pretend activity.  She would REALLY have had to take over this troop, REALLY and actually HELP, do something real outside of her own kingdom, her own range of control and influence.  She knew she would not have been allowed to be her own true controlling self in this outside environment.  The light of day would have shown up both her true intentions (that she did not see or comprehend) and her actions.

In addition, she certainly would not have been allowed to act toward me as she always did.  She would not have been able to control and overrun me in the public setting of a Brownie troop group.  At the same time, if she were away from her home, she could not have controlled what happened there, either.  That faintly, perhaps, her precious doll-baby-children MIGHT have gone too near the creek and MIGHT have been endangered was NOT a concern for her children’s safety.  It was a concern based on her obsession that her children were not only her possessions; they were extended parts of her self – her mind, her psyche and her sickness.

It is never the sign of a healthy, normal safe and secure parent-child attachment when the truth that lies within the attachment is that the parent’s deep psychological needs are involved in ‘getting met’ in the relationship.  When this happens it is an activated parental insecure attachment disorder that is operating.  When this happens, true caregiving for others is not possible.  My mother was, as my sister recently noted, her children’s and her husband’s ‘puppet master’.  She could not be in true relationship with anyone, not even with her own self.

These altered patterns of relationship are so subtle, at least within a very disturbed Borderline, that they are nearly impossible to detect unless the observer KNOWS what they are looking at.  Because I have spent the past six years carefully observing my mother’s thinking and behavior as it appeared in her letters, all constructed with few exceptions for an outside ‘public’ audience that I can begin to notice where the deceptions in her thinking appear.

Even though my mother was purportedly writing to her mother privately, these letters, preserved as they have been for over 50 years, were written by my mother with the intention that someday they would be used to write ‘an Alaskan book’.  On those very few occasions where I can see, touch, taste, smell my mother’s distorted thinking within these letters, I cannot ignore what I know.  This small description of why my mother suddenly could concoct a completely believable (to her or to anyone else) reason why she could not assist as a Brownie scout leader in a troop with her daughter in it is one of those times I can see how pervasive her psychosis truly was.

My mother mentioned the creek to her mother in a letter written the day before this letter was, and she mentions nothing risky or sinister about it:  “The creek is full and deep now as glacier and snow melts.”  But the presence of too much water in the creek gave her the perfect alibi when she needed it.  I don’t for one instant believe any of her children, especially Cindy who was extremely responsible as she approached 5 years of age, especially with John in the house when my mother was gone as he approached 9 years of age, would ever have gone near this creek alone – nor let sister Sharon approaching age 3.  That my mother is saying she could not trust a 14-year-old sitter to watch her children safely is hog wash.  Just plain Borderline-psychosis-constructed nonsense.

A Borderline does not have the capacity to conceive either of self or of others in a normal way.  Everyone outside of my mother was an extension of herself, a living prop in her drama-play at life.  That she – and everyone else – did not see or know what was going on in our home, in her life, or in her psyche did not take away from the fact that her psychosis touched and influenced everything she ever did.

My mother evidently somehow decided for this one year of my young life that it served her purposes to let me participate in Brownies.  I have no reason to believe that this one experience would have been her single exception to her rule of making Linda’s life perpetually miserable.  Somehow my being a Brownie made my mother look good in the public eye.  This was my only childhood experience that let me get away from her influence and be around something meaningful and positive, and to interact as a child (age 6 here) with adults who treated me as the child I was.

For anyone reading these words who doubts the accuracy of what I am describing here in regard to my mother’s sickness, let me mention that one of the hallmarks of the Borderline mother is that NOBODY is supposed to ever detect the presence of the abuse these mothers so expertly enact upon a child.  A Borderline like my mother was is an absolute professional at deception.

Part of the reason why deception like is being presented her in my mother’s account is so effective is that it comes from a completely constructed invisible, unconscious reality that exists BECAUSE the ‘owner’s’ psyche is completely contaminated by their disease.  This pervasive contamination is like a highly effective contagion.  It contaminates the growing mind’s of such a parent’s children, and it contaminates the psyche (unconsciously) of everyone who comes in contact with a professional-psychotic Borderline.

I encourage any reader who disagrees with my hard-earned ability to decipher my mother’s mental mess to take a look at how this kind of deception, so carefully constructed that it legitimizes whatever the Borderline mother turns her thinking toward no matter how insane, how out-of-touch with actual reality it might be.  If you doubt me here, you believe my mother’s version of reality.

It is for the same reason you might doubt me (and my reality) while believing my mother’s lies that nobody ever detected the 18 years of severe abuse my mother perpetrated against me.  My mother was very, very, very good at what she did – creating an alternate reality based upon her distorted brain’s operation that seemed to make sense to everyone, her own self included.

I am the only one alive who knows the truth about how this Linda-being-a-Brownie scout chapter of this story progressed, and more importantly, how it ended.  Our family moved out of the Log House by the end of the summer of 1958, eventually into an apartment in Anchorage for the winter, and back to the Log House in 1959 by which time the homesteading saga consumed our lives in earnest.  By fall 1959 I was back in Brownies, and had sold the essential Brownie Scout Cookies.

The afternoon I collected the money for the cookie sales, put it into a Milk Dud box, and then had it all fall out through the faulty bottom of the box without my noticing this was happening, before I returned home, marked the ending of this story with unspeakable, and unbelievable distortion and violence.  My mother accused me of stealing the money, and because after hours in the evening twilight of retracing my every step through the neighborhood of Eagle River searching for the fallen coins I could not find them, I was accused of being a thief and a liar and was beaten afterwards severely – not once, but every time my mother brought up my ‘crime’ until I left home at 18.  ]

Now John for first time is old enough to come and go and is so good about coming back in one hour – etc.

Children need me at home and I can spread myself too thin.

I trust you and Bill in day time and Le Verne at night and 3rd choice days.

Golly so much to write.  I only earned 1.75 imagine – Sunday!  People looked but didn’t buy.  Tell you more later!!

Children still asleep.  I’ve been writing this in bed.  Got Bill’s breakfast and got back in.  They sleep late mornings til 9:00 or 10:00!  So you’ll rest too – of course Bible School starts at 9:30 so will have to get them up early.

Guess what?  Methodist bought Briggs new 30,000 house for the new parson for the new full time Methodist Chugiak Minister.  Now what do you think of that and new church to be built!!

Mrs. Pottle wants me to help with tea for him Sunday?  Probably will take children here if improves as never get to [words washed out here] visit both while you’re here.  Must close!  Love, Mildred.  PS.  Can hardly wait – you know me.

++

If you have reason to question the kinds and amount of trauma-drama that is present in your life or present in the life of others you care about, beginning at the beginning by reading, studying and acknowledging the information at this link is of utmost importance:

EFFECTS OF A SECURE ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP ON RIGHT BRAIN DEVELOPMENT, AFFECT REGULATION, AND INFANT MENTAL HEALTH

By Dr. ALLAN N. SCHORE

SEE ALSO:

+WHY DID MY SIBLINGS NOT BELIEVE MY ABUSIVE BPD MOTHER?

+CHILD ABUSE AND BPD: TRACKING THE TRAUMA IN THE FAMILY TREE

+RATIONAL THOUGHT: POWER OF THE HUMAN SOUL BPD STEALS AWAY TO ENSURE SURVIVAL

+A NOTE TO CHILD ABUSERS WHO FIND THEIR WAY TO THIS BLOG

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20 thoughts on “+FOOLED BY AN ABUSIVE BORDERLINE? – MY MOTHER’S EXPERT DISTORTION OF REALITY

  1. Whew, I feel such anxiety – tight throat, burning chest, pain in ‘tummy brain’ when I read your mother’s letters! I definitely can ‘see’ the false reality, make-believe
    Life and sense the anger. Its all so subtle – like my mother’s emails – I don’t know which type scares me more: when she sounds lucid yet superficial
    Or crazy-emotional. Thanks for sharing such important information on this site, its helping me make sense of things. I feel when I read something here that
    Its going to shed light and that there will be grief yet understanding.

    • Good morning, Barbara! Yes, it’s so clear sometimes why dealing with these BPD people makes US feel nuts!! It all IS SO SUBTLE – yet we know ‘it’ is there! I sure didn’t growing up! Not for a LONG time did I know Mother was nuts (tho my siblings did when they were kids).

      I went thru therapy off and on all the way through my 30s. Thinking back, it has always been the last therapist who I thought helped me most when she told me, “What your Mother did to you was nothing like ordinary child abuse. What your mother did to you was evil.”

      She had me read M. Scott Peck’s book “People of the Lie”

      which DID help me begin to understand with a shift in my own perceptions that something was TERRIBLY wrong with Mother

      But NOBODY told me she was insane! Nobody told me Mother was psychotic. But then it wasn’t until the 1980s that Borderline Personality Disorder became recognized as its own THING

      http://www.bpddemystified.com/index.asp?id=16

      I am STILL coming to understand that while all infant and child abuse and maltreatment are harmful, there is something unique about abuse accomplished by BPD people. Beginning to understand the fact that their body-brain does NOT operate in anything like a normal way is finally helping me make more sense out of the ways my abuse experiences are different from nearly ALL other forms of abuse.

      The question of why nobody recognized what was happening to me continues to be important to me. What is it about the snakey subtlety of this disorder that makes it so hard for everyone to know the truth about what life with a BPD person is like?

      It’s almost like the foundation of lies upon which my mother’s BPD reality was based had a power of their own to reach out past my mother and somehow influence EVERYONE she came into contact with — as if being around a BPD person makes EVERYONE somewhat (or a lot) NUTS themselves!

      There is a lot of info online about BPD, but I stay away from it. I believe there IS a continuum and a range of damage that exists for those who have this disease. At the same time I know my personal history is with someone who had about the WORST this disease has to offer.

      I imagine it’s natural for ‘the helping professions’ to want to ‘protect’ and to ‘help’ BPD people. Yet much of what is said about this disease seems like a lie to me, also, given what I know about how devastatingly serious the psychosis and neurosis this disease OFTEN creates — and the potential for ALL levels of abuse it holds.

      So I would rather rely on the words of people like yourself about what it feels like and IS like to have been or to be in any kind of relationship with a BPD person.

      There is a blog for daughters of BPD mothers you might like to visit:

      http://daughtersofborderlinemoms.wordpress.com/tag/daughters-of-moms-with-borderline/

      I am a fan of our gaining ‘informed compassion’ about our experiences with BPD mothers, especially. But I also don’t believe that anyone who has not had very personal experience of harm from such a mother can begin to imagine what we are talking about.

      Just as the BPD mother has her own reality and own language, so to speak, so too do we as we try to gain clarity and try to communicate our own experience to anyone else.

      Thank you so much for your comment!! I hope to read more from you in the future. All the best with love, Linda – alchemynow

  2. You have described this sickness to a t. Ive been dealing with this for 25 years. Abuse, lies, never getting a chance to know my family. Lived in darkNess and a world my mother created and sucked me in. Now as an adult i am learning the truth but suffer trust issues and affection issues. Hard to bring my mother into my new life bc she always found a way to destroy it. She is so amazingly good at making up stories and pretending to be the perfect mom when outsiders are present it made me look like the crazy one. I was put on many meds and even placed in an institution bc people thought i made there things up about my mother. My heart goes out to any other children dealing with this hidden sickness.

    • Thank you so much for your comment and for visiting here! Please come back!

      I really wish to suggest for you to visit a wonderful blog for daughters of Borderline Personality Disorder mothers

      http://daughtersofborderlinemoms.wordpress.com/

      Monica runs this conversation-oriented blog, and there are many great posts and wonderful comments for you to read over there!

      I am so glad you are here — and I want to say, “Oh, poor poor DEAR!” We know a piece of living in hell that few others can begin to imagine! sending love! blessings and PEACE, Linda – alchemynow

  3. Infant and child abuse continues because of the silence and invisibility that surrounds the heinous crimes parents and caregivers perpetrate against helpless, innocent infants and children who have no voice to speak the truth about the horrors that are done to them.

  4. Hello-thank-you for this blog site and your stories.

    I am only just now figuring out my mother is a borderline, and it is under the most stressful of circumstances. For my whole life I always knew she was not right. My sister and I called her crazy but we could never make total sense of who she was and why she was so difficult. Looking back, I realize now how she abused me and my sister and many others, psychologically and emotionally, and it is liberating to at least to understand that I was not crazy. She was and still is very mentally ill.

    Since being out of her clutches for almost 20 years (I am now 37) I am finally finding happiness and peace. However, I am currently home under stressful circumstances because my step father is dying of cancer. For their entire relationship, (30 years), she has exerted total control over this lovely gentle and very kind man. Now that he is ill and vulnerable, I am observe her acting on the verge of abusive as he struggles to stay alive each day. I finally see her clearly-as truly manipulative, unstable and cruel person that she is. Her disguise has lifted from my eyes and I see her clearly now. This woman is mean and controlling, and is causing undo pain for this man who she supposedly loves and cares for. She attempts to look after him but in the process causes him more pain and I find myself protecting and defending him. She is acting psychotic at times.

    I realize that his imminent death is triggering issues of abandonment and this is the ultimate abandonment. And so she is completely unable to control herself; she is in a state of panic and is constantly breaking down-his death has become all about her-it doesn’t matter what makes him comfortable; it is what she wants him to be doing or wearing or eating or sleeping on.

    I am beside myself in this situation. I think other people on his side of the family know she is crazy, but not to the extent of just how crazy she is (she is a master of her disguise; in fact a leader in the community as someone who ironically is always caring for the poor, elderly and underprivledged). And they are not here, in the house 24/7 as I am to witness just how fragmented and ill and awful she really is.

    I am the one protecting him from her-she is bullying him into eating things and doing things he does not want to do; she has no empathy or compassion-and as I said before, is verging on abusive by her need to control everything from what he eats to how he sleeps to medications he takes. She completely disrespects his needs and treats him like a small child or someone in an insane asylum. Witnessing her act in this way has brought up all kinds of complicated and painful memories of how she treated me as a child and as an adult as well, I don’t know what to do. Do I tell his family how she is acting and have them intervene? Or do I wait until he dies, hope that I can manage any of her outbursts and controlling and then at that point, divorce her from my life. I know if I was to bring anyone, like my step-dad’s brother, into the situation, she would only claim how virtuous she was being in the situation and how dare they suggest she would ever be that way. I am not sure he would even be able to do anything.

    I am so angry at her and I feel absolutely helpless in managing her behavior in this time of crisis and sadness. Anytime I communicate to her that she is not acting appropriately, she responds like a child, has a tantrum, stomps her feet, cries, and is incapable of listening to or responding to anyone else;s needs. Is there any way to get through to her? Anyone have any advice? Thank-you.

    • Oh, my heart goes out to you, and to your step-father! You are describing (I believe) a Borderline. I am not a professional so can only offer my personal feelings and thoughts. NO THERE IS NO WAY TO GET THROUGH TO HER! NOT EVER!

      Your mother no doubt suffered enough trauma, deprivation and maltreatment in her own earliest years that her entire physiological development was changed. Like my mother, your mother does not have the biological or physiological ability to even begin to detect what a ‘normal’ reality is.

      I transcribed (at this link: http://hopeforamountain.wordpress.com/) all of my mother’s letters that found their way into my hands upon her death. It was an incredibly spooky experience! My mother’s reality matched nobody else’s and yet she fooled everyone.

      Your writing is so clear, and you are DEAD ON ACCURATE. I believe an untreated Borderline’s illness progresses with age. This would mean that your mother is actually in far worse condition than she was when you left home. We have to remember — Borderline’s understand how other people’s minds work — but nobody understands how a Borderline’s works (except maybe another Borderline!).

      I am so glad you found my blog, but I feel so helpless to offer anything of substance to help you!!I wish you could take that man and leave with him, and then put a restraining order on her. But her disease is cunning, powerfully cunning. I know she would not let you remove him (or her).

      I am only now (at 59) beginning to begin to use the word evil to describe my mother — and I would use it to describe your mother.

      Is there a Hospice program near you? If there is, I would find someone there ASAP. The problem with Borderlines like your and my mother is that they are slick. My father did finally divorce my mother after 37 years of marriage. When my father became very ill my mother acted like you are describing. The hospital banned my mother from entering my father’s room. Fortunately because they were divorced it was not difficult to protect my father from her.

      Which gives me this thought at this instant: Your stepfather made the choice to marry and to remain with this woman for a long, long time. That was HIS choice – and it could never have been easy. I would wonder what his role was (thinking also of my father) in your childhood in relation to protecting you or your sister from you mother’s harm.

      ++

      I have company coming within minutes from a long way away. They will be here a week – I’m not thinking too clearly awaiting their knock on my door – but I hope for a few quiet moments sometime this week to get back to you. Find your peace, strength and clarity within yourself every moment if you can. It is certainly here in your comment – remarkably so! I am impressed! KEEP THAT CLARITY with you! And please know I – and my readers CARE!!! Linda – alchemy now

      ++

      related post: *THE DAY I ABUSED MY OWN LITTLE SON at https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/my-adulthood-stories/the-day-i-abused-my-own-little-son/

  5. Linda,
    There would be a quite a lot of people who would call it a bluff. But rest assured, I completely agree with you on this count. Your assessment of BP(borderline personality) is just about perfect. In my case however it is my father and his mother (my grandma) who appear to be the culprits. It appears that BPs are compulsive control-freaks and their entire life revolves around a desperate and somewhat diabolical obsession to take charge of everything and everyone around them. The best option for a non-BP in most situations would be to walk-out on these scheming maniacs without prior warning. As I have observed trying to warn these people of dire consequences if they do not stop their abuse is usually counter-productive. It simply strengthens their resolve to find more innovative ways of abuse. It is only when they [have] no fall-guy left to flog, that they are faced with the terrifying reality of their madness and usually break down irreversibly

    • You certainly are describing how my mother’s life ended. Once I left home (being most fortunately thrown out), my mother (according to my 2 sisters and 2 brothers who were still young and under her roof) lost all interest in her children. She simply ignored them.

      There is no way to consider that my mother had anything like a happy life. She did not because she could not. As I was writing my posts yesterday

      +SILENT TRUTH – MISSING FROM MY PARENTS’ 29,000 WORDS IN THEIR JUNE 1957 LETTERS at

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/18/silent-truth-missing-from-my-parents-29000-words-in-their-june-1957-letters/ and

      +’PARTICIPATION’ AND MY MOTHER’S SHARED DELUSIONS at

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/18/participation-and-my-mothers-shared-delusions/

      I realized even more clearly than I have before how my mother’s delusions required the ‘shared participation’ of others. These others did need to allow-agree with her need to ‘compulsively control’ everyone and everything – as you state, her “…entire life revolves around a desperate and somewhat diabolical obsession to take charge of everything and everyone around them.”

      In my mother’s case, because her primary delusion centered around the devil having sent me to kill her while I was being born, was probably about as ‘diabolical’ as an obsession could be.

      All of this, for everyone concerned, is in my mind a great, great tragedy. You mention your paternal grandmother – and before her, no doubt someone in her family maltreated her – and on down the generations these miserable conditions tumble.

      Much of my work-effort has been toward trying to find a way to help others identify these kinds of abusive parents so that some child NOW could be helped out of hell. Sadly, the more I look at the Borderline condition the more elusive-to-the-outside-world it becomes. I know it probably makes me extremely unpopular with ‘Borderline readers’ here when I say that I believe that Borderline Personality Disorder carries with it an extremely high risk for those who suffer from it to become dangerously abusive parents. In cases like my mother’s was (with my father’s support) I do not believe that any ‘reform’ would have been possible.

      Thank you for your excellent comment. Very well put. – Linda

      See related new post +MAKING IT CLEAR: MY SYMPATHIES ARE NOT WITH BORDERLINE PARENTS at

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/2010/05/19/making-it-clear-my-sympathies-are-not-with-borderline-parents/

  6. Hi Linda,

    Indeed my mother’s life with her mother who openly hated her was awful. I wish that made up for some of what the 4 of us endured but it doesn’t. I have compassion for her and empathy for the cause but it doesn’t change her lethality for me and my being, and doesn’t change that I need to walk away. I have been waiting my entire adulthood for her to die so that I could come out of hiding with all my ‘good stuff’ and begin to live a life in the sunshine. I had always hidden my talents and good stuff because she would either steal them or devalue them depending on her mood. She is 87 and showing no sign of slowing down and I can’t wait any longer to exhale. That is why I returned to therapy to work with a trauma specialist. I also has a sexual assault when I was young but it doesn’t even begin to compare to what my mother did. I so relate to everything you have written and to the sadness that comes through your words. I feel that soul weariness as well.

    Thank you for your effort, there are many of us out here it seems and no one who hasn’t lived through this could ever believe that a mother could turn on her children like ours did.

    Love and blessings to you,
    Stephanie

    • There seems to be some genetic combination ‘lock’ that operates so that the combination of early abuse and trauma, like in my mother’s case (our mothers’?) that leads, I believe, to a genetic throw-back altered brain that would have led to a mother destroying her ‘litter’ in the ‘old, old days’ – but not so old for us, we were the living sacrifice to our mother’s tragic lives gone bad.

      I exiled myself from physical proximity to my mother – and then disowned her eventually – but I have never SHONE in my life – most of me feels buried under an avalanche of consequences from that severe, early-onset and long-term terrible abuse that changed me. Soul weariness – yes – most of every single day is a battle to keep on keeping on –

  7. How do your sibs see the situation you endured? I absolutely believe that you felt unloved and abused, that it is not easily seen from the outside. I am interested to learn if your sibs felt the same way. The family dynamic is interesting to me because my experience is that all of my sibs were victims of an abusive upbringing but my mother sometimes would single out just one of us for a period of time to intensify the abuse and I never understood this. Any insights are appreciated.
    Bill Callahan
    Boston

    • I didn’t ‘feel’ unloved and abused, I WAS unloved and abused — consistently for 18 years. I cannot speak for my siblings, of course, but I do know that all five of them recognize my ‘chosen status’ as the terrible tragedy that it was. Each of my siblings were at some time victimized by my mother, though these attacks on my siblings were very rare. My siblings never felt safe, however. My mother was so unstable that no sense of safety or security every truly existed in our home and my siblings ‘walked on eggshells’ and always had a sense that at any moment my mother could turn on one of them. Unlike me, my siblings knew my mother was nuts.

      Please see this written by the youngest: **FAMILY TIME – by Brother (1965)

      at this link: https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/my-siblings-comment-page/brother-1965s-pages/family-time-by-brother-1965/

      And this written by my oldest brother:

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/my-siblings-comment-page/johns-1950-pages/statement-from-my-oldest-brother-1950/

      I cannot address situations directly that don’t parallel my own. There are many people who were the ‘chosen’ child, singled out for a parent’s terrible abuse like I was. Each of us has to look at the dynamics within their own past, as you know. Have you investigated anything about Borderline Personality Disorder online, and does your mother fit that profile? If so, much of what I say about my mother will likely fit for yours.

      I hope you have read other posts on my blog — the one you are commenting on here is just one of many, many……

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/the-devils-child-my-childhood/

      It is most helpful, I believe, to take as close a look as possible at our abuser’s childhood. It is very rare for an abuser not to have suffered from abuse in their own early lives that resulted in their altered body-brain development. Abuse travels through generations because it always relates to insecure attachment disorders, which in turn always relate to unresolved trauma that is passed down the generations.

      This link leads to some other posts that might be helpful to you:

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/?s=changed+brain

      Thank you very much for stopping by, and for your comment, Bill from Boston!!

    • Hi Bill,

      There were 4 of us and my mother would rotate the focus among us. She could not tolerate it when we got along and hated it when we were all together and enjoying each other and would have fits and begin attacking my second sister most of the time. My oldest sister was very compliant and cowed from a young age and stuffed her feelings with food and left home early. My second sister took the worst hit from my mother because she stood up to her and rebelled. My brother tried to get mom’s love and was really messed up by her intrusiveness, lies, inappropriate behavior and rages. I was and I guess still am the star and also the one who can walk away. I learned early on to dissociate from my feelings to keep her away from them and used rejection to keep her at a distance. It was still awful but a borderline is less dangerous if they need to chase you than if they have you. I rejected her all the time and it seemed to work. Of course, my relationships have all be effected by my cutting myself off from my heart like that.

      Best,
      Stephanie

    • I feel as though I am reading a “mirror” of my own life. But, what you just stated mirrors my life even more. My mother continuously singles out one person (or two) for a period of time for her verbal and emotional abuse.

      I’m 22. Ever since I can remember, my mother has been emotionally manipulative. If her blood sugar was high, it was your fault because you caused her “stress”. She would spontaneously quit work (4 jobs over the course of 6 years).

      I was recently in a car accident, in which my car was totaled. She told me that my accident was God’s punishment upon me for being a “bad child” (I’ve never been bad or reckless). She checks my cell phone while I’m asleep, trying to find out who is texting me. She used my accident as an excuse to keep me hostage in the house (literally) for 8 weeks. I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without her permission. And, when my friends wanted to come by and see if I was okay, she refused to let them into the house.

      Today was my first day of graduate school. I wanted to leave yesterday so that I would be in school on time. But, she threw a fit, coupled with manipulative tears. Following the angry fit came a night of surprising silence. This morning, I awoke to find my car keys stolen from my purse, and a my mother’s bedroom door locked. She stole my car keys, and as refuses to give them back to me until she feels like it. She justified it to my siblings, saying that it was my punishment for not paying attention to her last night. I have missed my first day of school.

      This is just one of many incidents, that has happened over the course of my life. Things like this happen so frequently, that I had forgotten that it is not normal. As I write this, I am arranging for a friend of mine to secretly pick me up so that I can make it back to school on Monday.

      • Oh, my DEAR!!

        Please visit this wonderful new blog for daughters of Borderline moms!!

        http://daughtesofborderlinemoms.wordpress.com/2011/07/19/welcome-to-my-new-blog-daughters-of-moms-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

        It is the perfect place to tell our stories about what it is like to be a child of mothers LIKE YOURS!!!!

        As I write for the book my daughter and I are putting together, I have found the actual ‘structure’ that held my mother’s madness together — that info will NOT help you now — I believe you need to get as far far far far……++ away from her as soon as you possibly can — to a place of safety! These mothers are toxic beyond belief. They are also beyond help or understanding BECAUSE THEIR BODY-BRAIN was built different and processes all information differently — AS YOU WELL KNOW!

        Please visit and support the new blog I mention and write your heart out!! Write here, too!! Just be safe in all ways, I SO FEEL for you!

        I left home at 18 when my parents ‘threw’ me in the Navy. I won’t go into the details of the following three years — during which I did not go home — until one Christmas when I was 21 and did exactly that, with my infant daughter, borrowing money for a plane ticket nearly 2000 miles to see my family — BLIND AS TO WHO AND WHAT my mother was!

        All hell broke loose when I got there and she flew into one of her insane rages, the kind where her face changed, where her eyes looked like she was possessed by a demon (the demon of Borderline Personality Disorder) — and she chased me and her firstborn granddaughter out of the house in the middle of the night saying I ONLY CAME TO SEE HER SO I COULD GIVE MY DAUGHTER A BATH IN HER BATHTUB!!!!

        I could SCREAM!!! Baby doll — get out of there even if you have to stay at a woman’s shelter until you figure something out. You are being ABUSED big time!!!

        Please check back in here and let us know how you are doing! I will pray for you!!! Thank you so much for writing!

  8. I am riveted by your blogsite and your story. I feel like I am reading my own story as I read your words. I too have a mother whose borderline psychosis was lethal and almost killed myself and my siblings many times. She is 87 and still lethal staying just this side of overt elder abuse in her nursing home. I am back in therapy working with a specialist in PTSD for all the damage to my psyche and my soul.

    Thank you for sharing and and putting this out here. I would like to pull some of you posts for my website http://www.mylifewithcrazy.com. I put it up for other adult children of borderline parents to share and heal. There is a chat room and a blog that I write, the rest is material I pull through RSS feeds and encouraging others to share their stories.

    All the best to you and thank you for your work here,
    Stephanie

    • Hi Stephanie, and certainly whatever might be useful for your work, just so a link is always included back to this site. Fortunately, really, my mother is dead, though her death was as tragic as her life. I believe her illness was of her body – her soul belongs to the Creator-God, but I still pray for healing and grace for both of my parents.

      More and more and more information is being discovered about the workings of the Borderline brain. I hope to write more based on that material, but often I feel just soul-tired myself. I do what I can.

      I will go visit your site tomorrow! Thank you for your link, for your comment, for your encouragement. I pity those who still must endure a life around your mother. I am so sorry for your suffering, for hers, for my mother’s. No doubt something happened in your mother’s young life that changed the way her body-brain developed. Just a tragedy!

      Maybe something on this site’s search for “changed brain” might be useful at this link:

      https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/?s=changed+brain

      All the best, and hope to hear from you again — Linda

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