After these pages and their links are posted here, I am going outside to recreate my flower beds. I made a special 50-mile round trip to a town near here to buy flowers last evening. It will never cease to please me that I can actually recreate flower beds now, in mid October, with flowers that will last until spring, even if they have to slow down their growth and blooming during the ‘colder’ months of our Arizona high desert winter.
This reminds me of how so much of my life is like tending a garden, trying to rid myself of weeds, changing with the seasons. Now, if I can learn how to see the re-creation of myself as recreation rather than being a chore, I could definitely have more fun with this whole process!
Celebrate the seasons. I try to do that. Sometimes it’s just a little harder to celebrate the seasons of my soul.
POST AND THE LETTER AND JOURNAL ENTRIES LINKED TO HERE ABOUT MY DISOWNING MY MOTHER
MAY TRIGGER — PLEASE BE CAREFUL OF YOURSELF!
Once I completed my process of disowning my mother I never went back on it. I never spoke to her again [she died in 2002] , and only saw her like the flash of some fading shadow as she entered my father’s hospital room after his disastrous surgery in Alaska the fall of 1990 and instantly turned and left.
I did not find this letter I wrote disowning my mother among the few of my letters she had saved that were with her other papers. I went searching for my copy of this letter because I knew I had made and kept one. I also found my journal entries for the days surrounding the writing and the mailing of this letter and they are included below the letter itself in the following link.
I am including this link to the letters I wrote my mother in the year prior to my disowning her. These ones she saved, and I found them among her papers. They provide a context and a contrast to what eventually followed their writing — my ‘disownment’ of my mother.
As I read these later letters, I can see how much healthier and happier I was overall than I was at age 20 — but boy, did I go through a LOT in those ensuing 15 years! What I see NOW, another 20+ years down the road of my life, is that my entire self was organized and oriented around being a mother.
When my baby left home nearly six years ago I suffered a crash I could NEVER have imagined — and I HOPE I am rebounding (very slowly) now though I still feel like whatever SELF I had when I wrote these letters was crushed nearly beyond recognition or retrieval once the major self-organization factor of being a full-time mother vanished.
Perhaps in part because being the best mother I could be (as a counteraction to my mother’s treatment of her children) occupied so much focus for me, and because I didn’t really have much of a SELF to start with thanks to my mother, being a mother myself put me in ‘orbit’ around the ‘sun’ that my children were to my existence for 35 years.
Did my organizing-orienting sun explode or implode when my children left home? That’s sure what it STILL feels like to me. I believe that if I had been able to develop a clear, strong and healthy SELF in the right way during the right developmental stages, that ‘crash’ would have been a minuscule fraction of what it has turned out to be for me. I will be extremely grateful until the moment I leave this world that I was able to let my children go — and take their wonderful selves with them. I did not create a trauma bond with my children. I am completely clear that any problems I have in dealing with them being gone are my own to deal with and have nothing to do with them.
How many times in a lifetime do ‘ordinary’ people reinvent themselves? Again — and still — I have no ‘ordinary’ points for comparison.