Directly as a result of my having just processed a ‘quantum healing leap’ experience related to becoming crystal clear about the difference between writing a trauma memory and writing ABOUT a trauma memory, I finally realized that there is absolutely no reason on earth why I can’t write fiction. I want to thank my dear friend who talked truthfully about how she responded to my writings, as well as also thank those commenters who gave me the gift of their observations and insights as well this morning, because without this amazing inter-personal sharing, I would not have received the incredible gift that has come to me — the gift of being able, for the first time in my life, to safely access and play with my own imagination!
True, it’s almost beyond belief that my childhood was so terrible that I was forbidden to play. Many abuse incidents happened because my mother caught me playing! Not any more! Not any more!
I’m not sure when that realization would have hit me if just after my quantum leap I had talked to my sister who told me she had just discovered the writing links I posted earlier today. I rushed to the helium.com site and began to poke around through that overly-cluttered frenetic mess of a visual information display (my opinion!).
I found a contest I can enter for a nonautobiographical fiction short story under 1500 words. “Well, why not?” I asked myself just as a massive thunderhead forced me to turn off my computer. I grabbed a pen and a stack of paper and wrote
my very first fiction story –
I don’t think I could be happier if I won the Olympics!
I hope there are many more stories to come. What I realized is that I now know how to keep my own many, many abuse memories separate from my imagination. My imagination is MINE. It is MY gift, to use and enjoy and bring to full bloom in any way I choose to USE IT! How cool is THAT? Today I discovered that I can go anywhere I want to in my imagination, and that does NOT mean I am at risk of ‘bothering’ my trauma memories! I can imagine safely!
I could NEVER do that as a child. I could not wonder, I could not imagine, and I could not PLAY. Today I discovered that allowing myself access to imagination is (drum roll please!) –
PLAY! By golly, it is FUN!!
It was discovering the doorway into a wide open universe that I didn’t even know I didn’t know existed!
(I guess I chose my blog heading picture for a reason I did not even realize at the time I put it there!)
I have always believed until today that I cannot write fiction. I mean, I absolutely believed that to be true! Somehow I believed that the developmental changes that happened to me as a result of 18 long years of that severe child abuse somehow made me into someone that could not imagine. Imagine that!! Now that false belief is gone. It vanished as completely as a light mist would in bright sunshine. I swear it’s like discovering that I can fly!
I’ll find out over time where the stories take me. Maybe they’ll be like this one. Maybe not. It will take a little time for me to gain confidence that I won’t return to my former state of doubting myself.
I leave this coming Thursday, July 9, 2009 for my seven weeks of traveling and visiting lots of wonderful family. I am going on a wonderful adventure, even though a part of me remains incredibly sad about the loss of my relationship with my best friend. But I can do nothing to heal whatever the wounds are that sent down a lightning bolt to cut us off from one another except to work on healing myself.
In the meantime, thanks to the miracle of computers and the internet, I will be able to stay in touch while I’m traveling, so that I can – write –
and write FICTION stories!!