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Friday, February 5, 2016.   It seems I have found what I was looking for on the day in April 2009 I listened to the encouragement of my sister and began this Stop the Storm blog!  Read on….

Please take a look at the website information below if you are interested in partnering with others to form a grassroots community network to affect trauma healing WHERE YOU LIVE.

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Resilience Trumps Aces

I sent a note this week via the contact email at the Paper Tigers Movie website inquiring about the existence of a community healing trauma group in Walla Walla, WA where this movie was created and impressively received a response providing me with their Resilience Trumps Aces website link (below) within 24 hours.

On their website pages you will find information on healing community through information generated from the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study, such as is presented in this video:

How Does a Community Become Trauma Informed?

This page describes The Ten ACEs

This page on Resilience lists two links:  Protective Factors and 42 ways to build resilience — All Roads Lead to Resilience

Moving on along the listing at the top of their website you will find headings such as

+ We are CRI — Children’s Resilience Initiative:

The Children’s Resilience Initiative™ (CRI) is working to increase the positive, resilience-building experiences in the lives of the children, parents and families in our community.

Empowering community understanding of the forces that shape us and our children.

+ Mission & Vision

Vision: “All young people thrive and parents raise their children with consistency and nurturance to develop lasting resilience in the community as a whole.”

Mission:  “Mobilizing the community through dialogue to radically reduce the number of adverse childhood experiences while building resilience and a more effective service delivery system.”

This page includes —

What’s New?  New Course Offering!  – Emotional Mastery — Builds on the neuroscience of brain plasticity!”

+ Their services, including PresentationsOther Services including Technical Assistance and Telephone Consultations

+ Webinars — Webinars cover brain development, ACE research, resilience and community response and action steps.

Webinars provide an overview of the ACE study, brain development, and Resilience models, with examples of how Initiative partners have embedded the principles into organizational practice.

Contact Teri Barila at (509) 301-2488

+ Resources – including websites, powerpoints, research, and many other links to vital information related to community trauma healing, vitality and health

+ On this page you will find their research report and the following statement — Resilience in Action

We are dedicated to bringing resilience strategies into our community and our schools. This page illustrates our partnership with Lincoln High School and The Health Center. Please go back up to “Resilience in Action” on the menu bar to check out our new partnership with our local elementary schools and Head Start Program.”

+ They also have a great healing trauma – healthy community —  Resilience Store (You might wish to open this in a separate tab/window as it does not seem to include a link back to their main webpage – or just hit your ‘back’ button.)

+ And, of course — Contact Resilience Trumps ACEs page!

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I just telephone Teri at the listed contact number with some of my own questions – trying to get a few of my own ACEs info ducks in a row.

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If you search on YouTube you can find a host of excellent videos on ACEs in Washington along with other talks related to the work In the state of Washington being done by Laura Porter (who resides in Olympia, WA).  Teri just told me that 2 years ago the state of Washington removed all funding for the work being done in that state’s 39 counties along these lines.  Prior to this withdrawal of funding Teri worked with Laura Porter for 18 years.  (It was $2 million that funded the ACE work in Washington state’s 39 counties.  Note there are more millionaires per capita in Seattle than in any other city in our nation….)

This is the link to Laura’s website – Ace Interface – Building Self Healing Communities

Included in Laura Porter’s work is the Ace Interface Master Trainer Education

and the ACE Fitness.org site

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Jane Steven’s website – Aces Too High – is another critically important source as her work connects the nation along these lines

This is the website where Robert Redford discovered ACE education and healing work that led to the creation of the Paper Tigers movie – about the work with students at Lincoln Alternative High School in Walla Walla!

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Well, yes, I seem to have come around full circle – and now sufficiently dizzy enough to end this post!!

ANYONE in ANY community who wants to bring together a community to begin to talk about high ACE scores and what that means – along with resiliency and what THAT means – within a community will find all the related links right here in this post!!

NOBODY needs to set off of their own to rediscover the proverbial wheel!!  I would suggest a beginning be made in any community with the organization of a screening of the Paper Tigers movie!  All the information needed to make that happen is at this link!!

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As for myself and my future, I am very seriously considering a relocation to Walla Walla this coming September.  I can’t really comprehend what it will take for me to actually MOVE there – but “Where there’s a will there’s a way!”

I want to learn from the best – and as far as I can tell that BEST is not only out there in the state of Washington, but is firmly established in Walla Walla itself.

Time – certainly – will tell.  If I make it out there to Walla Walla, I will be content to simply join their community team, begin learning, and go to work on anything they might have for me to do to help with their amazing work!

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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Thursday, February 4, 2016. Ah, time.  Ah, love.  Ah, life.  We tough and fragile beings.  We of a social species so often, it seems, broken off from wider family connections and community in so many ways and for so many complicated reasons.

On Monday afternoon it happened again.  The pounding, racing, thumping booms of wild young children in the apartment above me became more than I could bear after three long and very noisy hours.

I was faced again with a decision about how I was going to react.  Call management again?  This would be the 4th time apartment personnel would have visited that family above me.  Call the police with a 3rd noise complaint?

I knew that if I chose either one of those two options that family would probably be evicted – this time.  My 3rd option?  Drag myself up the stairs and knock on their door.

I chose this option.

I REALLY have believed for these awful months that my own anxiety (disability) would prevent me from being able to be calm, friendly, reasonable should I ever go confront the family on my own.  I COULD not NOT go talk to them this time.

Up I went.

Knock, Knock.

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King James Bible
Ecclesiastes 3:1 “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”

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I could fault myself, shame myself, for taking the other steps I have taken up to this point.  But I don’t.  I won’t.  Somehow I strongly sensed all along that the process in motion in this continuing situation had its own timing.

Two young women answered the door.  One beautiful young woman with her 3-year-old son beside her and her precious 4-week-old infant in her arms.  She is married to the cousin of the husband of the other slightly older woman standing beside her (who lives in an apartment across the street and was visiting) with her 3 1/2 –year old daughter and son who turned 5 last Thanksgiving.

Scary.

This was one of those times where there is nowhere to go but forward, so forward we went in spite of anything else – and in fact – because of everything else.  I stood just inside the open door of the upper neighbor’s apartment for two hours talking to the women and to the wonderful little children.

Both of these women came up to Fargo to join their husbands who had come several months earlier to get sheet rocking jobs.  The mother of the infant is from Albuquerque.  The other woman from Las Vegas, Nevada.  They only know one another.

The truth (just as I had sensed it) really has been that the mother of the newborn misses her huge family down south terribly.  She is very sad here.  Very lonely.  And after having just spent 14 years living on the Mexican-American borderline I know how close those families are!!  NO new mother should be without her family where the relationships are strong and happy and full of love.

And that baby, and his little brother, need to be in the arms of grandmas and grandpas and aunties and uncles — as does their mother.

So this woman, even as she admitted it to me, had WANTED to be evicted.  She WANTS to leave and GO HOME to her family, to the sunshine.  There are no jobs down there, and this woman has known she could not ask her husband to give up his job to leave with her.  So I was SUPPOSED to get them thrown out!!

Either way, evicted or walking away from the lease, she told me that they would have had to pay every month’s rent until the lease ran out and lose another $300.  (They found another alternative, it seems!)

Once this became very clear, in the words of the young mother, I could look her straight in her eyes and say, “Well, dear!  It looks as though we are BOTH stuck here so we better figure this out together.”

And we have.  By the time those two hours had gone by the 2nd woman and the three children were down in my apartment checking out my grandsons’ collection of toys.  The next day I found the church in town that has a Spanish mass and an outreach nun named Sister Lucy who I have heard is an ANGEL with people.

Yesterday I went upstairs to give the young mom that info.  As I was leaving I told her I would be back soon to bring her flowers.  I told her that because of her precious newborn she CANNOT be sad.  She HAS to be happy!

It has been very quiet and peaceful up there.  But even then the mother hen part of me worries that perhaps that momma is TOO SAD trapped in this place.  I KNOW what that’s like – but her case is so much more important – in the bigger picture of ongoing life – than mine is.  She is the mother of a newborn.

In my simple way of seeing things, there is really very little more harmful to a newborn than to have an anxious/depressed mother.  According to “developmental neuroscientist” Dr. Alan N. Schore, among the incredibly important and very rapid key brain growth processes birth to age one is the development of the left brain “happiness center.”

The neurons that WOULD be marshaled to build that brain region in an infant’s brain will either DIE or be recruited in other brain areas during that year – IF!!!!!!  Depression prevents a newborn’s mother from even being able to SEE the “bulk” of the joy in her infant’s face and actions.  She will therefore be unable to respond to her infant’s joy as needed to build that happiness center in the best way possible.

The building of that center happens during one of those “critical window” of development.  Once that stage has passed, that’s that.

Hence – my bringing her flowers.  Hence – evidently – the timing of this odd intervention of mine.  Today the young mother invited me in.  I stayed a short time, long enough for her to tell me that her husband “is not really that happy with the way things are working out with his job.”  In two weeks, she told me, they will be returning to New Mexico – perhaps not to come back up here.

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Joy won.  Sometimes the pathways through our lives are not all laid out from our point of view.  In God’s world?  Oh, yes, they are!

I was able to tell the momma today something that has been “in my heart” to say to her.  Beautiful, absolutely beautiful perfect young mother that she is.

I told her that someday she will be the matriarch of her family.  We never know what life is going to bring us.  Sometimes times get hard.  Really really hard.  And we need to be really really strong.

I told her that it was, to me, a very good and courageous thing for her to come up to this place with her husband.  I told her that by being here she is getting stronger, and she is finding out more about how strong she really is.  She smiled and nodded her head.  She agreed.  I also told her that there is nobody on God’s glorious earth more important that mothers!

Oh, and Walmart had small herb plants in their fresh vegetable section!  I bought a small mint which I now have repotted and sitting under its own desk lamp bright light.  Then I found a little plastic applesauce cup (I save all such things.  Being a crafter there is always something I can use anything and everything for!), put a little cold water into the cup, snipped off the newest leaf tips from the mint, put them in the water and brought them to momma.

“Here!  You can just squish a little of these leaves and smell them if you want to!  They smell just like summer!”

Yup.  We are both smiling.  And I betcha anything that lovely little family – is going home!

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There is another man of the family living up there who will continue to work in Fargo and will stay in the apartment.  Perhaps others they know down south will join him in the future.  There are LOTS of jobs in this harsh place.  I now call the people who come here to fill them from American places “economic refugees.”  There are also LOTS of international refugees and immigrants coming here.  All of them, I have no doubt, with HORRIFIC trauma histories.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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Saturday, January 30, 2016.  I am so grateful that somehow the timing of my need to know the truth about how what happened to me – the trauma of it for the first 18 years of my life – affected me that the SCIENCE was in the process of not only learning these kinds of facts but also that the miracle of the internet made the information accessible to me!!

And now I am refining my gratitude to include how amazing – and GOOD – it was that I had spent those 4 or 5 years studying what I could find about trauma and developmental neuroscience before I began to encounter the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) research study and its findings.

I think this is all part of MY destiny.  I think these new learnings are a part of the destiny of the entire human race!  We are in the early years of the global maturation of the human race toward building for ourselves a peaceful, equitable world civilization.

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I just watched (yet again) what I believe to be the best presentation of the CDC ACE study research and application of those findings to healing – well – most ALL OF US that I think can be located anywhere on the planet!  Adverse Childhood Experience: ACES — Laura Porter

I just paused a YouTube video presented by the Institute for Safe Families of a talk given by the doctor who designed the CDC ACE study so I could write this brief post.

PLEASE at least watch Laura’s video!  There is nothing more important for us to know about intergenerational trauma and its healing!  Laura’s talk is clear and easy to understand – and if you are not already aware of the ACEs info along with ways to implement healing changes – you are in for a treat!

Need to know info!

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

+A LIFE MOSAIC

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Tuesday, January 26, 2016.  Thinking and experiencing, feeling and struggling, macro to micro and back again – and again – and again….

Makes me think of the Mobius Strip – a surface with only one side and only one boundary.

The Möbius strip has the mathematical property of being non-orientable. It can be realized as a ruled surface. It was discovered independently by the German mathematicians August Ferdinand Möbius and Johann Benedict Listing in 1858.

Intellectually I understand that all life is interconnected and that these connections exist as influences moving forward in time.  All that has happened in the past affects all that happens in the present which influences all that will happen in the future.  And in the middle of all of these grand movements are the movements of each one of us in our (seemingly) separate lives.

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After a three and a half months of living hell under those with one 6 year old boy who was, I suspect, entirely LOST as a child with very real essential needs not being met, the horrors of the constant running, thumping, banging, vibrating of ceiling and walls – as of last Saturday – ceased.

This process included yet another noise complaint call that I was forced to make to the police, and undoubtedly some serious threats of eviction to the tenant adults above me.  Whatever it is that has taken place in their micro world up there, someone is now paying attention to that child or he would NOT have stopped his horrible out-of-control desperate and incredibly LOUD and NOISY behaviors.

Now to see if this quietude lasts over time.

I am grateful.  I have been living in a hell like I could not have imagined.  Very bad for my anxiety!!!

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Now, another little note that might interest some readers.  In my last post I mentioned this herbal supplement — NaturalCare HearAll, Supports Optimal Hearing Function – which I purchased online and used at the recommended initial double doseage – until I let myself run out.

It is not cheap, and I had to make room in my poverty-based budget for its continued use.  Well, in the inward-outward Mobius Strip kind of way that life operates, having had the help form this product for nearly 3 weeks and now being without it until replenishment arrives, I have learned something very intriguing although I have no explanation for it.

Sometime within the past year of being ‘trapped’ in the circumstances I have chosen to endure during my tenure as active, involved grandmother to my 2 young grandsons, I began to have what I can only imagine would be called panic attacks.  This condition is purely situational, I am sure.

Without going down to the micro level of explanation about specifics except to mention that at times I wake several times a night with these ‘panics’ and feel that I am being crushed within a coffin, being buried alive, I will say that until yesterday when the Hear-All had completely left my system I had not suffered these attacks for nearly three weeks.

It intrigues me that I DID NOT once notice their absence during that time!  My body had returned to some kind of a physiological state that did not include their presence.  Only yesterday when such a panic attack hit me and did not diminish for over 10 hours did I recognize the connection so that I could credit my taking this supplement to help quiet the awful anxiety-related complexities of my trauma-altered-development with the amplifying problems that the tough cancer-chemo regime I went through 8 years ago seems to have had hearing problems!

So, simply put, I recommend this product to anyone who analyzes their life experiences with anxiety and who especially knows they have an early history of severe verbal abuse exposure.

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Off in another direction of the micro level of my current existence I want to mention an upcycled cd art-craft process that has captured my interest and attention recently.

There is a series of four related YouTube videos at this link.  They move VERY quickly so that I have found I must utilize an interactive learning process by pausing and rerunning each segment many times to see exactly what is being taught:

DIY MANDALAS – video series

I find it takes a kind of Mobius Strip online searching process, using terms related to “youtube cds suncatcher” to locate related tutorials.  In the midst of wandering around these lessons videos you will find ones that tell how to make a small nick with a sharp knife or end of scissors so you can use tape to stick to the silver so you can pull it off in pieces!!!

BUT, I am still trying to figure out how to remove the blue tint that appears on some stripped cds and not on others.  I understand that rubbing the surface with alcohol-based product does the job – but NOT quickly!

I bought thin drill bits to practice putting the holes at the edges of these cds so they can be hung – but I haven’t started THIS part of the process yet.

As you search around on related subjects there are amazing mosaics being created through upcycled cd and dvd techniques!!  There are also incredibly creative pieces of jewelry being formed using related techniques!!!

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Making things – crafty kinds of cheap-material things (on my budget) – is a survival operation that began, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, for certain by the time I was two years old.  Given the restrictions of my current city/apartment/winter/anxiety conditions for the first time in my life I am finding that it is very hard for me to focus even on my creative process.  I discredit much of this current difficulty to my having endured the neighbors above me and their sound-mess for quite some time (along with the fact that I have no reason to believe they will continue their quieter lifestyle.  AND why is that 6-year-old boy not in school?  Management thinks this might be because the adults in that boy’s life are too lazy to put him there.)

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A large part of the micro processes of my life right now are family oriented and are personal and private enough that I cannot write about them.

At the very bottom of this post I am adding something I recently discovered about “using prayer” in one’s life that I really enjoyed reading and thinking about – so that perhaps I can practice it!  Some readers might enjoy such a faith and spirituality topic reading.  Others might certainly not!!  I am in no way making any effort to challenge or persuade anyone about anything!

And thank all you to all this blog’s readers for your patience with how my current life situations are impacting my writings here!!!  Welcome!!  Your presence as readers is always greatly valued and appreciated!

(see more at bottom of post if interested)

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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An approach to prayer

“First Step – Pray and meditate about it.  Use the prayers of the manifestations as they have the greatest power.  Then remain in the silence of contemplation for a few minutes.

“Second Step – Arrive at a decision and hold to this.  This decision is usually born during the contemplation.  It may seem almost impossible of accomplishment but if it seems to be as answer to a prayer or a way of solving the problem, then immediately take the next step.

“Third Step – Have determination to carry the decision through.  Many fail here.  The decision, budding into determination, is blighted and instead becomes a wish or a vague longing.  When determination is born, immediately take the next step.

“Fourth Step – Have faith and confidence that the power will flow through you, the right way will appear, the door will open, the right thought, the right message, the right principle or the right book will be given you.  Have confidence, and the right thing will come to your need.  Then, as you rise from prayer, take at once the fifth step.

“Fifth Step – Then, he said, lastly, ACT; Act as though it had all been answered.  Then act with tireless, ceaseless energy.  And as you act, you, yourself, will become a magnet, which will attract more power to your being, until you become an unobstructed channel for the Divine power to flow through you.  Many pray but do not remain for the last half of the first step.  Some who meditate arrive at a decision, but fail to hold it.  Few have the determination to carry the decision through, still fewer have the confidence that the right thing will come to their need.  But how many remember to act as though it had all been answered?  How true are those words – ‘Greater than the prayer is the spirit in which it is uttered’ and greater than the way it is uttered is the spirit in which it is carried out.”

An approach to prayer, shared by Shoghi Effendi to Ruth Moffett.  Pilgrim’s Note cited in Principles of Baha’i Administration, 3rd ed. P. 90-91, 1973

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Monday, January 4, 2016.  The very essence of this blog is about changes our body was forced to make essentially from our birth forward – although life quality in the womb profoundly also affects everyone, as well.

We had NO choice but to react on the physiological level to all harm and deprivation that happened to us so long ago.  Because the impact of those traumas is literally BUILT INTO our body there is no way for us to escape those consequences so long as we live on this earth.

Some of the times of our life are easier than others are.  True.  But at no time can we go back to the beginning, place our self within a safe and secure attachment environment, and begin our physiological development all over again.  We will NEVER have the benefit from this kind of attachment that so many others did – and usually take so absolutely for granted.

Comments continue to arrive to this post written April 11, 2012 —

+ADULT REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER – THE GREAT UMBRELLA!

This is affirming to me at the same time I know very clearly that ALL of these problems for ALL of us who were forced through absolutely no fault of our own to have them, is a tragedy beyond compare!

There are many serious conditions of my lifestyle right now that are making my reactionary trauma altered development physiology suffer.  I write posts very seldom right now because of this fact.  I am here for very particular – and because those reasons deeply involve my family – precious reasons.  This fact does NOT make the truly difficult moments of my life right now easy to bear.

Having these latest comments come in on the above mentioned blog post DOES make my life easier to bear IN THE PRESENT MOMENTS of my endurance, and I thank everyone who writes those comments.  I do not believe that anyone – really – who is not a trauma altered Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) person can ever begin to even imagine what our lives have been and are like – with every beat of our heart.

Currently it is the horrendous continual noise above my head as I live “trapped” for the tenure of my apartment’s lease that is pushing me to the limits of my endurance.  I have one glimmer of hope.

A friend of mine from my home area in southern Arizona is a very knowledgeable herbalist person.  She has recommended this supplement, which I have ordered.  I so hope it will help calm some of my reactionary nervous system!!

NaturalCare HearAll, Supports Optimal Hearing Function

I am hoping with all within me that this supplement will help me!  It has been used successfully to ease hearing-related problems for both children and adults with autism.

I continue to marvel at the difficulties I now experience with NOISE!  I do know that because my psychotically mentally ill mother, who abusively hated me from birth, SCREAMED abuses at me from the start of my life that this – and the verbal abuse that continued for the next 18 years I lived with my family of origin – terrible harm was caused to me on many MANY levels, including very critically my physiological development.  (I suggest an online search for these terms:  “verbal abuse teacher” – this information is IMPORTANT!!)

Just as trauma in the earliest years of our life caused cumulative damage, so also does cumulative stress/distress cause us dire complicated reactions in our life now.  Having this family living above me now, who stays awake making noise often until 3 am making my sleep impossible, has GREATLY compounded the difficulties I was already having living in this northern city and in this confined, ugly place.

What can I do to help myself endure – better?  That is the question!!!!  That is my moment-to-moment task.  As hard as it is to read about the sufferings of other people, this DOES help me keep my life in perspective.

We are the heroes of our lives – and it is important that we share our reality with one another.  Thank you!

Now.  If those men above me would walk with lighter footsteps and TAKE OFF THEIR HEAVY WORK BOOTS IN THE HOUSE – well — Life goes on….  Some days and nights certainly do contain harder challenges than others do.

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

+WE ARE NOT ALONE!!

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Tuesday, December 22, 2015.  I feel I need to apologize for writing so few posts during these months of my tenure up north here in North Dakota, but I also know no apology is needed.  There are simply times and seasons of life.  At least now we have passed in this hemisphere into the time of growing day length.  I am happy for that although several months of winter still lie waiting ahead.

This winter has been very warm.  That is a good thing.  Yet it may also be a bad thing.  I am not one who knows about such things.  I am a wonderer.  (A wanderer, too, I must admit.)

I am into my third year away from my adopted Arizona-Mexican border land that was so kind to me for fourteen years.  I still have no real idea what lies ahead for me in my life.  Will I return there next September after my lease here is up?  Time.  It will tell.

Meanwhile I continue to battle with the noise from the apartment above me that is so unsettling to my so-sound-sensitive ears.  Things seem to be better – most of the time – and I have not yet had to call the police with a noise complaint as the apartment managers suggested that I do on November 9th.  It is not the children’s fault up there who are not put to bed before midnight and who are allowed to sleep until noon.

I have contacted Head Start to see if they will send me some information I can anonymously slip under the door up there.  It has been suggested that if a time approaches when my own well-being means a noise complaint must be made that I call social services first.  I don’t want to do that, either.

I do pray for myself – and for that family up there – and for the world – and for EVERYTHING!  Which brings me to the point of mentioning what has inspired me to finally attempt to place a few words on the blog this evening.

Someone on my Facebook feed posted this quote.  “Star of the West” was an early magazine published in the United States.  I don’t know how to access those to see if I could find the volume the following appeared in.

What I do know as a very high ACE score, terrible child abuse survivor for the first 18 years of my life, is that trauma seriously impacted every stage of my early development so that now I am a Trauma Altered Development person (my friend calls this being a tadpole).

This means that my nervous system/brain, stress response system, immune system, etc. is different – entirely different – than would have been the case if someone had intervened, stopped that abuse, rescued me and my siblings from our severely mentally ill psychotic mother.

This means – in regard to this quote I am posting – that very often it is impossible – IMPOSSIBLE for me – and for many ‘tadpoles’ like me – to “simply” change our “mood.”  We experience our life differently than other people do through absolutely NO FAULT of our own!!!

In my older age I am experiencing cumulative effects of the traumas in my life and am now “on disability” for them.  I cannot simply “forget the past” and “be OK.”  I cannot will myself to “be happy.”  I work every moment of my existence to endure – and endure some more – and endure….

Some moments and hours, some days, are better and easier than others are.  Being down south, as readers mostly know, was very much better for me than is being up here in an apartment, in a city, in this climate, etc.  I can’t get out to see friends, work in my garden, more etc!!!!!

So – here is the quote!!  This is what I do in every way I possibly can.  It includes why I came back up here, so that I could help my daughter and my little grandsons in any way that I can, especially now at this juncture in the family’s lifespan.

But – still – there is NOTHING easy about my life right now.  True, “things could be much worse,” but knowing that is no panacea for tadpole people!  THIS helps my heart!!  THIS feels realistic to me and within the realm of possibility!!

And – at this “holiday season” there can be many complications for people and for families!  I thought these words might be helpful to people who might be struggling with extra difficulties – realize they are NOT ALONE!!!!!  We care!!!

++

Be not the slave of your moods, but their master.  But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer!  Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier burden than you – and your unhappy mood will dissolve into a blessed, contented submission to God.” –

By Abdu’l-Baha, in Star of the West (sometime prior to 1921), a Baha’i publication

++

Certainly an ongoing and repeating process!!

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Wednesday, November 24, 2015.

I cannot kill these pansies

Little bit of life

That they are

+

As winter’s cold and darkness

Settles outside my door

+

I hauled them inside

In their five gallon plastic buckets

After I left them out there

Long enough to freeze

Several times

+

Their blossoms have given up

Yet not their buds

And not the emerald green of their leaves

And certainly not their tenacious roots

+

I MUST love them

I MUST care for them

I MUST

I will

It is a part of who I am

+

April through November they have blessed me with their beauty

They did not ask for life

They do not crave death

Theirs is a certain kind of bravery

Courage to the end

+

And these earthworms

Are they as silent as they seem?

+

What, my dear, can I give to them

Remnants from a summer garden confined

Gathered in a gelatinous mass

Having seeped themselves down through and out of the bottom holes of these buckets onto the plastic beneath them

Only to have found no real possibility of escape?

+

Do they live?

Are they dead?

+

I bury them again in now warm so-black bucket dirt

I can wait

We will see

+

I must apologize

I am so sorry for my own confusions

My uncertainties

+

I, too, share this life and death cusp

With all of you

+

This seek for safety

This holding on to life

This approach to death

To transformation

First

+

O worms!  I feed you water soaked cardboard and bits of paper for a winter in these buckets

In this apartment

Stashed so cleverly in a spare corner

On my kitchen floor

+

Unlike my species

If there is even one of you left alive

You will reproduce.

More.

+

I

Would be glad

For that.

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Note:  I cannot create my chosen spacing here without using “+” as markers

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

+PEACEABLE PROCEDURE?

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Wednesday, November 24, 2015.  A different kind of peace seems to be encompassing my apartment’s living space than was here before all hell broke loose above and around me – and perhaps has left again.  So strange.  What an unwelcome ordeal.  But perhaps existed in my life – as a kind of teacher.

Relief.

I spoke via telephone for a second time yesterday with the management of this apartment complex.  This time I spoke to the ‘main man’ – and the horrendous all-hours stomping and romping, running and crashing, shaking of ceiling and walls – the great BOOMS above me – have stopped.

Relief.

Is this permanent?

Time will tell.  I feel as though I just went through a great battle of a war that appeared in my life out of nowhere.  There really is NOTHING my so-harmed-by-severe-early-abuse-and-trauma nervous system requires more than predictably stable peaceful calm.

I am STUNNED not only by what just happened here so recently but also by what happened to ME during these “attacks.”  Scary stuff.

++

I keep hearing one particular echo from that management-me conversation yesterday.  As I described yet again what was happening here I also, by habit?  By my inner design?  Mentioned that “I am a good tenant….”  Management responded, “It does not matter if you are a good tenant or a bad tenant.  That kind of noise and behavior is simply not accepted in these apartments.”

Oh, within us the echoes of horrendous early years of violence, terror, abuse, trauma – they NEVER really leave us in our lifetime.  I suspect it really is ONLY a matter of what kind of circumstances we find ourselves subject to that determine how those sometimes-latent trauma changes make themselves felt in our body, in our life.

That is OK.  It has to be.  That is our reality.

What happens next is what matters.

Are we in meaningful ways protected from further harm in every situation in some way?

++

I kept thinking over these past days of horrible torment (in my universe) of something I experienced way back 41 years ago.  I lived in Redwood City, CA in a 2nd floor apartment in one of those buildings that had a railed walkway on that level to reach all those apartments from the outside.

My daughter was 3 ½.  I was still, at 22, oblivious about the horrific nature of the trauma I had endured during the entire first 18 years of my life.  I knew NOTHING BUT endure and survive.

I had badly fighting neighbors on the right-wall side of my apartment.  Horrible fighting erupted one night about 2:30 in the morning as the man screamed and shouted at his wife – I could tell with a gun in his hand – threatening to shoot her.

My response?  The only response I was capable of at that time in my life?

Yes, with fear but quite calmly, I woke my little girl and carried her to my bathroom.  I crooned to her quietly, soothingly as I dragged a comforter along with us to spread out on the bottom of the cast iron bathtub where I curled up with my daughter in the only place of safety I could imagine.  We spent the rest of that very long night there waiting for bullets to come tearing through my apartment’s wall.

++

I sure cannot garner any special nuggets of wisdom from this situation right now.  I feel too worn down and worn out by life, actually, to put forth the kind of effort it would take of me to try to mine something out of this any more meaningful than to say – THANK YOU for this peace and quiet here now!

What about “It should NEVER have happened in the first place?”

Moot point.

Entirely.

++

It is NOT silent up there with a family and at least one child as tenants.  But it is CIVILIZED and reasonable and acceptable.  It is now doable for me to adjust my needs for quiet and peaceful calm in response to and in relationship to the life of that family that has moved in above me.

In some ways I SENSE or feel or imagine – that this family NEEDED to be able to stop the madness within their own lives.  That little child needs that peace, some kind of appropriate response by its caregiving adults.  Letting a young child, perhaps age 4 ½, run like a maniac around until after 2 am is NOT appropriate.

Not in THIS portion of the universe, at least.

Not here.  Not now.

But I am very aware of my own inner struggle to stand up for myself in this situation – even at age 64.  It was NOT easy to do.  But it was necessary.  And I hope this peace – is lasting.  I really, really DO!

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

+PERFECT PEACE

++++

Tuesday, November 24, 2015.  These few words came to me last Sunday at a time when the horrible stomping romping wall and ceiling shaking so threatening my peace from the apartment above me had abated for a time.  For the past two years I had neighbors up there who were quiet adult men.  I NEVER in ten billion years would have renewed my year’s lease if THIS family had been up there.

I really do NOT know how I can endure and survive a long North Dakota winter being trapped in here with them up there.  I am losing entire nights of sleep.  Scary.  Hard.  Very, very disturbing having people up there with no pattern to their life I can detect, little children romping hard until 2 am….

++

Right on the surface of the glass

Looking inward

Looking outward

That’s where our psychology will be

+

Where on a spectrum does light become sound and sound become light

To humans?

+

There is a quiet there – at these places.  In these spaces.  A kind of pause – the quiet both before and within the storm.

Calmness.

Life, though, is never easy.

+

There is a pause

Where darkness turns into light

(and the other way around).

+

When a flying bird’s wing beats downward

That point just before the wing

Turns up again

There is an instant of

Perfect peace.

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

++++

Wednesday, November 17, 2015.  I remember those days, weeks, months, years when never did a blog post topic come into my thoughts that I didn’t simply write and post it.  Those times seem to me now to have been part of a different lifetime.

I could sit at my funky old desk with my laptop gazing at brilliant blue skies, across the range of my adobe flower gardens, past the tall rusted Mexican-American border fence at the topmost peaks of San Jose Mountain in Mexico, and write.

I could think.  I could ponder.  I could feel and sense and I could write.

I was living in an environment that fed, nurtured and sustained me.  Fargo, North Dakota?  Nope.  Winter is coming, etc.  Simply put, “Too much darkness.”  Working to remain positive is, well, A LOT OF WORK for me here.  A great deal of work.

There doesn’t seem much of me left over to write with (or from),

This, too, shall pass.  Everything does.  Sooner or later.

++

So, (a) when given a situation with a lot of depletion going on and not much for restoration, (b) how does one FEEL?

I KNOW everyone goes through (a), but the older I get (I am 64 now) and the more American society changes, the more I see that it is certainly not true that everyone experiences (b).  At least not that they know about.  Not that they are forced to accept or ‘deal with’.

There are many, MANY ways not only NOT to feel, but in tandem with not feeling their own reality people DO NOT FEEL other people’s feelings, either.

Bye bye EMPATHY!

And WHERE on earth are we as human beings without EMPATHY?

Oh, shake, quiver and quake!

Answer?

In trouble.

++

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

If a feeling is a response to life itself and nobody FEELS it, does that feeling exist?

++

The word “void” comes to mind here.

Without the information that our feelings give to us about being alive in this world as members of a profoundly social species, are we creating voids all around us without even noticing?

Do we then expect other people to simply ignore the fact that these void-living (absence of feelings/empathy) people CANNOT truly be reached or communicated with?

OR TRUSTED – in the deepest safely and securely attached sort of way (so that we do not feel all alone in a nor-really safe world)?

++

“Knock knock.”

“Nobody is here.”

Nobody is an island?  You bet that they are in current American society.

They certainly are.

++

I know that I am a dreamer.  I am always looking for and in some way hoping for a world that probably does not exist.  A friend told me the other day that he heard that humans are only capable of truly attuning to another person about 30% of the time.  That’s why, as developmental neuroscientist Dr. Allan N. Schore describes, the process of “rupture with or without repair” is so central to the processes of being human.  Of being alive.

But we must care enough and be able to NOTICE when a rupture occurs so that it can even be repaired.  And we have to know how to sort out the causes of ruptures and learn how to orchestrate repairs.

Yes, in my dreamer world I believe that humans are BORN (given good enough uterine conditions of earliest life) to DO all of these things.  But I also see, with great concern and sadness, that an increasing number of mothers in America are perfectly fine with bringing their children into the world and then abandoning them into the care of strangers.

The building of all of the essential structures within a human’s body-brain to process feelings and then to be able to live with true, healthy empathy, is a job that nature has always given to mothers of infants.  This is a vast area that I will not address specifically here except to say that on the one hand we have Autism Spectrum Disorders where social and emotional information which includes the empathetic processes is not a part of those people’s reality.

And then on the other hand we are fine with having larger and larger numbers of people who are placed into the care of “professional” childcare providers who have to intimate investment in using attuned empathy to communicate with these little ones – so that the end result – seems to me – is our current building of a nation where empathy is nearly entirely missing.

What do I think about all of this?  One word:  Uh-oh!

++

I do note that those who endured and survived horrific early life filled with trauma, we have had to learn about empathy through different channels.  Those of us who HAVE done this were, for whatever reasons, highly motivated to do so.  I have HUGE concerns that with the proliferation of infants and young children now being abandoned for most of their waking life by their mothers (essentially) – nobody is going to even notice — what is going so wrong OR what is missing:  Feelings and Empathy.

These are processes that I believe are essential to being fully human.

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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