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Friday, February 24, 2017.  I have written many posts here in the past about early trauma recovery.  Circles and cycles, time itself, whizzes past and topics come around again and again.  Today I am specifically thinking back to posts about healing as a search for our pristine self as we existed in the midst of terror, chaos, turbulence, trauma that we could not comprehend, escape, even anticipate — that came to us over and over and over again.

This level of healing is a kind of archaeological excavation of selfhood.  Here are some of those earlier posts —

+BURIED TREASURE (Dark Side book 2, chapter 22)

+WHAT DO WE WANT TO DO WITH THE INFO IN OUR TRAUMA MEMORIES?

+WHEN THE GOODNESS APPEARS IN SPITE OF THE TRAUMAS

+THAT MESS – WAS NEVER MINE

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I have nearly completed this tapestry weaving, the first I have done in at least 30 years.  I feel very blessed to have arrived at a southwestern New Mexican town that is home to MANY fiber artists.  Spinning and weaving are a part of ME — of my SELF — and last night after probably a hundred plus hours of working on this tapestry — in the middle of the night when I felt too troubled by unseen cares to sleep — I put in some overtime on this work of my art.

The reward that came to me was completely unanticipated!  As I near the finish line — either by pattern design or by running out of warp thread on the loom — I ………

Hum…….  How do I express this?

The easiest way is that suddenly I SAW MY SELF!!  Clearly, there I was in that section of particular colors, texture — that exact PLACE in this weaving came together in some magical, mysterious way — in such a way — that there I was having myself reflected back to myself.

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Now for “regular people” I doubt this kind of experience ever happens to or for them.  As the developmental neuroscientists can now track even in our physiological development, the self of a human being comes clear through a very specific attachment relationship beginning, really, even before birth — with a mother.

Untold events can interrupt, intercede,interfere with and even break this process early in one’s life.  The severe psychotic break my own mother had laboring hard to birth me made a total, complete, abysmal disaster of any hope of a sustained, sustainable, loving, caring, adequate (etc.) attachment relationship between Mother and me.

Through patterns of horrendous abuse and neglect that followed my birth — how EXACTLY — did I ever “become” a self at all?

Well, that’s too big a subject for this post, that’s for sure!  Yet it is quite simple to say that my self — SELF — did exist within that hell always.  At my current age of 65 I can also say that my relationship with mySELF has not been smooth – sometimes it has been invisible — sometimes I have been and am lost to mySELF —

So when mySELF showed up in the mirror (think attachment mirroring, attunement processes essential to human development…..) — of my weaving last night/early morning I FELT this happen and this MATTERS greatly to me!

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It has always been easy for me to loose mySELF in the caregiving process of others.  We all know how many billions of ways this can happen for us.  As a mother of at least one of my children under the age of 18 in my home/care, mySELF continued for those 35 years to be organized around caring for them.

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NOTE:  If you put “collins need” into the search bar at the top of the blog here you will find a series of articles that describe exactly how our attachment self-needs and our ability to give care to others are intimately (and physiologically) connected.  There is a lot of really important info in that series of blog posts.

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I do believe that going all the way back as far as we can remember to find our SELF in the midst of the trauma of our early years MUST include finding out what we LOVED — what we LOVED doing!  What intrigued us?  Interested us?  Made us curious?  From a VERY young age these kinds of self-touchstones existed.  What EVER brought us a sense of PEACE?

Those self-touchstones are a PART of us, connected to (I believe) the very special, precious, unique soul-self person that we were created AS = our SELF.  We all have certain capacities, talents, things we LOVE to do — and our SELF has NOTHING to do with trauma!

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However, I do believe that early trauma – any kind of unresolved trauma that has had residual and/or current connections to our SELF — quite simply put for an extremely complex situation — MESSES UP our relationship with our SELF.

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And again, most simply put, working with my hands to make things creatively has always been a part of my SELF.  Having this weaving/weaver/spinning/spinner part of me activated right now must give me more than a THREAD of a connection to my essential self!  Last night – for that split second in time – which I noticed, relished, appreciated, studied this connected-self experience for as long as I could — and hope to experience again — there was an unimaginably strong and immeasurably wide connection of ME to ME.

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Readers of this blog who caught my post three years ago when I was up north caring for the youngest of my grandsons about that incredible instant I witnessed — as he FOUND and IDENTIFIED and CONNECTED through a conscious felt experience — for the very first time — with his OWN self — might recognize my own similar experience being described here “in the weaving” process I describe.

It is the same clear, incredibly JOY-filled recognition my grandson put into words back then when he was 22 months old:  “HERE IT IS!!!  RIGHT THERE!”

I was sitting down.  He came up to me, face to face, eye to eye when he shared this epiphany of literal self discovery and felt self realization with me — tapping himself right in the middle of his chest.

Being a part of his awakening will always be one of the most precious moments of my life.  And the fact that the time I spent caring for him to the best of my ability MADE that exact experience possible — give me limitless joy.

Now….   This FEELING FELT experience of my SELF at times takes for me — a LOT of tough healing WORK to reach!  Sometimes it feels hopeless.  Last night I remembered IT IS NOT!

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SONG – 

VIDEO ON HARLOW’S RESEARCH –

ARTICLE –

https://www.verywell.com/harry-harlow-and-the-nature-of-love-2795255

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Monday, February 20, 2017.

A movie my friend recommended –about kindness — I have not yet watched this — but I will —

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A place on this blog for some of my autism awareness writings are — very slowly — accumulating — (so it seems) —  there is a page posted here of some of my thoughts today (including my thinking….  looking backward at my entire life, it is possible that within autism = we are designed to live in a beautiful, peaceful world.  That’s who we are.  We do not adapt to (dare I say) the kind of CRAP that others DO adapt to — because they can….  Autism does not allow for “learning” to do that — perhaps this “learning to adapt” can be taught as in mimic….)

SPECTRUM GIRL

https://stopthestorm.wordpress.com/spectrum-girl/

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I have been blessed to meet a wonderful woman in town who has a weaving/spinning store four blocks from my house here.  She has so kindly inspired me to weave again.  So, I have been weaving — a tapestry — first one in over 35 years.  The craft is IN me, a part of me — it was “right here” when I picked this up again.  That amazing me.  Working body memory — combined with a certain kind of talent.

I have also ordered two fine fleece to spin!  They have not arrived yet.  They are expensive on my budget – and shipping costs are AWFUL!  But this will be cheaper, to spin my own yarn for weaving, than it would be to buy it.

That’s why I quit weaving in the first place.  It costs money.  And nobody wants to PAY for finished products.

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This weaving now — has some geometrics (this is, after all, a kind of “sampler” to get back in the flow of the craft) — and it evolved into two trees — one on left is a fall tree — one on the right is a thriving green leaf tree — leaving things behind — transitions — old life leaving — to return or be born again newly…. transformation…..

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more later!!  thanks for stopping by!!

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This is one of the excellent autism videos —

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

+R/EVOLUTION?

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Monday, February 6, 2017.  There is a link here to a video (you can click to enlarge to fullscreen) of Lady Gaga’s incredible half-time performance from yesterday at Super Bowl 2017.  Besides my joy at watching such unbelievable talent of singer and dancers, I felt like I was witnessing an entire generation respond — like a changing of the guards — within American life.  So much strength, health, energy and power in YOUTH!

I know of no one personally who is relaxed, confident and happy about the overall state of our nation right now.  Everything seems to be about controversy.  And I feel so hemmed in, so helpless to see any bigger picture right now, because I essentially cannot experience any part of the great changes going on in this nation and in the whole world from any other vantage point than the one given to me as a member of my generation as a Baby Boomer.

I feel heightened awareness that it is NEVER simply one generation who holds sway over history-in-the-making.  Time does not stand still.  Yet how can one generation EVER really understand what life is like either for an older generation or for the younger ones who are occupying current moments in time?  I cannot BECOME a member of any generation other than my own.

I am struggling with this fact, yet watching Lady Gaga’s show I think I caught the barest of glimmerings of a HUGE younger part of our population as I HOPE they will positively and enthusiastically arise to utilize all possible talents and abilities to change this world – and our nation – moving forward – so MUCH for the better!

All I could come up with today in way of understanding of what makes even a small bit of sense to me I put into the following few words as I think about myself, my same-generation peers, and the generations born after me:

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r/evolution

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Baby Boomer generation reaching shore

sand sucking out beneath our feet

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Some of us stood against The Man

fighting segregation

war

misogyny

the chase after The Almighty Buck.

What is happening to our dream?

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turning tides

shifting power

To the young:

More of you

PLEASE do much better.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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Wednesday, February 1, 2017.  In amongst the many thousands of pages on this blog is the neuroscientific presentation about how important it is for peaceful calm to be the primary, central default experiencing opportunity for an infant so that this state of peaceful calm is built into its rapidly developing right social emotional brain hemisphere and nervous system as the set point of balanced equilibrium from which all other e-motions stem from and return to.

Nature has, I absolutely believe, designed MOTHERS to be the primary caregiver of infants during their first year of life.  This time, for us complex big-brain humans, SHOULD occur within the womb if it COULD – which of course it cannot.  Not only could we not get out of our ‘1st matrix’, but we also must go through – environmental influence interactional experiences – so that we can adapt most fully to the circumstances of the world we are born into.

The environment a mother lives within intimately affects her state of well-being, and her state is passed directly to her infant.  If a mother leaves her young infant in the care of strangers, yeah – the infant will be affected through changes to safe and secure continual attachment interaction of infant with mother, etc.

Shorthand:  If a human has little or no overriding sense of peaceful calm built into the center of their physiology from birth (accurately, from conception) as their set point of balanced equilibrium, peace itself will not be a primary experience.  It will be at best – secondary.

I do believe that humans can, will and must learn what peace even is.  Obviously, the drama humans pursue does not well lend itself to peace of any kind.

We need to calm down.  Way way down.

And, yes, I do believe this process is about learning how the “maternal qualities of nurturance” can expand while the “masculine” aggression qualities diminish.

Neuroscientists clearly describe how infants need lots of ‘down time’ to integrate information about the world that comes to them as stimulation.  Infants suffer from neglect where there is not enough of the right kind of stimulation and from over stimulation of EVERY kind.

Happiness?  Too much hurts a baby, and not having time to pause to integrate hurts a baby.  Humans are optimally designed should the best possible environment exist from conception forward — exactly for PEACEFUL CALM!  We are designed for this state to sustain us.

Long story short – we do as a species need to hit that pause control button.  We need to stabilize.  We need to cut out our addiction to drama for the sake of drama.

Or we are going to burn ourselves out.  We are smarter than that.  By a long shot.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Sunday, January 29, 2017.  I spend an infinitesimally small about of time perusing anything on facebook anymore, but occasionally I pop over there and scroll rapidly through posts to look for important life event news from family and friends.  After a comment I saw last night posted by one of this group my inner rage-o-meter is having a really hard time calming itself down.  Hence this post –

Someone made a comment about having recently made a trip from the American southwest (where they have mostly resided since birth) to a big Midwest city (during the nasty cold snowy days of January).  The comment stated that this person saw “many immigrants” there “who did not look” particularly “happy to be in America.”

So here’s a little news from my side of the white immigrant-ancestry family this person is a part of:

Somewhere back there in time, nobody knowing for certain when, a husband deeply concerned about his wife’s deepening grief and depression after having lost her much loved only brother to drowning at sea, brought this woman with him as immigrants to Prince Edward Island, Canada thinking this would provide enough solace to begin to repair this horrible grief.

Back there in time – on my mother’s mother’s side of the family, someone connected to this couple – as far as I can tell – found their way to America before the Revolution.  Only they were crown supporters through and through, so much so that they evidently marched their own way back north over the Canadian border (to rage, pout and throw stones?).

At what point in time my mother’s mother’s ancestors/relatives, all from the British Isles, decided to lower their personal flag of crown-dom to return south to the Boston area, nobody seems to know.

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Now my mother’s father’s side of the family was connected at least back around 1835-45, to immigrants of British and French origins who arrived in Halifax, Canada as members of the first Unitarian church of that nation.  Following that ancestry forward it is true that my father’s family came into the Boston area sometime after five of his siblings died of the flu around the 1880’s-90s.  A lot of grief followed that unhappy family into America, for sure.

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Then on my father’s side….  His mother, a British descendant white woman, was a member of the Daughter’s of the American Revolution, descended from ancestor Simone who was a record keeper involved in the line of provision to the revolutionists.  (There is no information about my father’s father’s side of the family – except in general that they were white immigrants from the British Isles.)

We do know that my father’s father died of alcoholism, as did my father’s brother and sister.  We do evidently know that part of the hatred Mother held against Father’s family had to do with old Crown vs Revolutionists hatreds so that Mother “made” Father disown his entire family.

Mother forbid Father from even attending his father’s funeral, a fact that contributed to my father’s deep grief until his last conscious breath.  (There was one dead live birth child in my father’s family, again no doubt contributing to family grief.)

My father also told me that his mother was “so depressed” that she never left her home except to do necessary shopping.

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Then we can move into disastrous family interactions that impacted descendants.  Mother’s mother divorced her husband in 1930 under enraged conditions, and it is known that she abused and neglected my mother, who in turn ended up becoming a psychotic madwoman who tortured and abused me from birth and for the next 18 years.

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This is nothing but the briefest sketch of the non-indigenous (to North America) trail of immigrant history in my family.  I also note that of the last 10 years of my life, six were spent living in Arizona with the American-Mexican border wall in my back yard as I was surrounded by the most fantastic people who were first generation Mexican immigrants into America.

Then most recently I lived three years in an apartment complex is Fargo, North Dakota 95%+ filled with refugees and immigrants.  Again, wonderful people who awed me with their polite kindness, tenacious spirit, their deep faith, their honest grief, their adaptive hopes in their new country, and their hard work in a very difficult climate area.

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Yeah, I suspect there are a whole lot of people in America who delight in throwing “first stones” from their proverbial glass houses.  I would rather not be one of those kinds of people.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

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Thursday, January 26, 2017.  If one takes a look at results from an online search of terms “grammar my self myself” an interesting panorama appears, including “When the Subject and the Object in a sentence refer to the same person or thing we use a Reflexive Pronoun. It is the only area of English grammar that is reflexive.”

It appears to me that writing a post about my very new understanding of MY SELF (myself?) as EVERYTHING about MY SELF (myself?) throughout the entire 65 years of my life on earth is BOTH a “reflexive” (reflex) and a “reflective” experience.

I do know that I am extremely grateful that this completely life changing epiphany that I “am on the autism spectrum” happened NOW that I have escaped my winter tomb in North Dakota to arrive in this beautiful New Mexican town.  Timing is everything.  This is true for everyone.  For all of us.

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Yet I did not CHOOSE to “have” this epiphany.  There is some kind of an information doorway becoming visible right now at this point of human evolution (at least in the mainstream western mindset) about “autism.”  I call it a portal.  Just the vaguest of outlines of this portal are visible at this point in time.

That is enough for me – right now.  EVERYTHING I know about me is being transformed.  And it seems that I have no awareness about which parts of my life ‘take the change’ WHEN.

And what on earth am I going to DO with this new information about my self (myself)?  Am I – as a defined self – moving into the abode of MY LIFE now in ways that have NEVER happened before – because they COULD NOT – because only now am I able to access even the most rudimentary information (such as humans seem to understand it at this point in time) about autism that I can FINALLY – RECOGNIZE – MY SELF?

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I am writing these posts for myself. (I think I can agree with myself that myself is fitting here in this statement.  This matters to me right now because prior knowledge has not been accurate, hence leaving ME out of my own life.)

I am having far too many fly-by epiphanies right now.  They swarm and bat me around.  I need to capture them and paste them down somewhere.  Somewhere is here.

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So my siblings evidently wondered why I responded to Mother’s horrible insane abuse the way I did. For example:

Why did I not CRY during Mother’s horrendous beatings during the 18 years of my life she COULD beat me?  My sibs thought if I HAS cried – maybe even begged? — Mother would have STOPPED a beating once she had felt she “won.”

  • Why did I not cry? As an Autism Spectrum child I COULD NOT choose to cry or not to cry. Why I do not yet know.  I suspect that autism puts us on a path of inner integrity that is not negotiable.  I think the ability to negotiate socially is a non-spectrum ability.
  • For this same reason it was impossible for me to admit to Mother – or to say I was “sorry” to her – for anything I did not do! Because Mother was psychotically mentally ill she “manufactured” all kinds of crimes that I supposedly did that I came to fully understand about 3 years ago DID NOT HAPPEN – but she absolutely BELIEVED DID HAPPEN.
  • Maybe no young child could have negotiated with this violent insane madwoman to save themselves suffering. I do not know. I know today that I absolutely couldn’t even consider the possibility – because the Spectrum doesn’t likely build people that way.
  • Why did I not, during 18 years of chronic horrendous abuse while my other five siblings lived in an entirely different ‘favored’ universe, EVER feel self-pity, resentment, anger at mother, envious or jealous of my siblings, etc.? TODAY I KNOW IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO SO! I was not/am not built that way.  Such feelings would have happened to a non-spectrum child in that same situation, I bet – because those feelings are part of a SOCIAL engagement universe.
  • OK, briefly put, I admit that since 1980 when I entered “recovery” I have ALWAYS thought that the horrendous abuse targeted at me as it included extreme social isolation and imprisonment, even to the Alaskan wilderness homestead living arena, MADE me different socially. There is no way those events did not affect me greatly, BUT as a Spectrum child?  Oh WOW!  If I EVER thought I was innocent and vulnerable during abuse that began at my birth – add to that now the awareness that I was a “special needs” child?  Yeah?
  • Add to this the fact that NOBODY would have been able to fully understand any child (or even an adult) who was on the Austim Spectrum back then (and barely now….). I am racing at warp speed through any kind of “gee, Linda, some of this must be YOUR fault for being an ‘unusual’ child who really DID “make trouble” in the life of your mother/father/family. REALLY?  Another WOW – along with NONE OF THAT ABUSE WAS MY FAULT EVER NO MATTER WHAT!
  • Another part of this – for any readers who have scanned (at least) through my book mentioned below, Story Without Words – all of those incidents of my own suffering I mention there are changing in focus. IF I had not been a Spectrum child I would probably have NEVER noticed that incredibly amazing, beautiful image in the toilet bowl (I was 3) made from sunlight, hairs in a bowl, bubbles and motion. Logically, with my Spectrum brain/mind that I am for the first time being able to WITNESS AND OWN as ME, that horrendous abuse incident would not have happened plain and simple if I had never SEEN that pattern!  Not that Mother’s insane reaction was OK – of course not – get it?
  • And also in that book, The Bubble Gum Incident story – remember that incredible shifting pattern of light on wading pool water shimmering on my bedroom ceiling? Yeah – because I was a Spectrum child, that could save me.
  • And my FEELINGS after horrendous beatings, in the middle of further horrendous abuse that could last days/weeks/months – on the homestead – escaping just long enough to walk through a bit of so-beloved wilderness to the outhouse – and THERE was that angel on top of that mountain!!! I KNOW that I NEVER carried anything within me from one “attack” to the next – and remembering the outhouse/angel on the mountain trips – I didn’t carry any thought-based MENTAL experience of abuse with me. I carried suffering, true.  It was unavoidable.  But ME?  MY SELF?  I lived in beauty.  That angel was BEAUTIFUL to me!  I FELT beauty.  I know now, that is a Spectrum child ability.  (WHO DARES to call that a disability?)
  • Scroll down at this link through these pictures and see if you can spot the Angel on the Mountain.
  • There is also a filtering shift going on about the fact that even though Mother had attacked me every day in some way, and brutally out of nowhere most days (and nights), never ONCE did I, as I have said to myself many times in my recovery, “did I see it coming.” ALWAYS, every single time, it was a surprise to me when she attacked me. This has been mysterious to me!  Was this “dissociation?”  I have an answer now – as a Spectrum person something about how I process my self in the world is different.  Now I know where to look, info-wise, for explanations about this.  My PATTERN of being alive as a terribly abuse child somehow spared me from dragging along within me the toxic “barnacles” of Mothers treatment of me.
  • I guess that I can say at this point that I felt perpetually confused as a child (and very, very often as an adult). As a child I DID NOT understand what happened to me. I had NO ability to fight back in any way, even as an older child.  I am at this moment coming to understand that MY world is not ‘the common world’.  I do not share in common with very many people a pattern of being in the world that matches what is probably shared in common by the neurotypical crowd within which most others share their lives no matter WHAT they have endured.  There are many things about being alive I can now quit wasting my time attempting to comprehend.  This will now give me a MUCH needed inner platform of rest.

I will now be able to begin to take care of myself in ways that have never been possible for me before now.  The immeasurable efforts I have put forth to “give to others” first and foremost has ended.  I am guessing that neurotypical people get something back from their efforts when they interact with others like themselves that Spectrum people can never receive.

And I am also thinking it is for this exact reason that autism is not recognized in females unless they/we are on the far end of the “problem area” of the spectrum.

Exist we do.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Tuesday, January 24, 2017.  There is no way for me to write this post other than to plow through it.  Certainly when I began to write for this blog years ago I would have thought – and then would have had no qualms about posting – that DISCOVERY is a positive process.

Yes.  I can be hard.  But today I would wonder, “Are there times and circumstances when discovery as it applies to one’s self is impossible?”

What would I mean by impossible?  Dangerous to self?  What would I mean by dangerous, then?

Answer that comes to me as my fingers work this keyboard = “Without support.”  Or to be more refining about this, “Without meaningful ADEQUATE support.”

Next, then, I see a mental image of an unsuspected minefield one might step into….  Or an unsuspected, unseen cliff one might take one step over and….

Yeah.  Obtuse.

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Personally I think humanity is in an unsuspected Dark Ages, no matter how suave and sophisticated some segments of our global society might think that they are.  We have NO IDEA who we really are as a species.  There is a progressive-knowledge cusp we are aimed for.  One way or another we will get there – all together – in a future that certainly I, as a 65-year-old member of the infamous Baby Boomers generation cannot begin to envision.

All I can manage is my HOPE for our glorious future, for our informed future.  When we collectively understand that we are half human-animal and half human-spirit only THEN will our true potential wake up – move into motion – and change the world into the paradise it is destined to become.

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Meanwhile?

It really is “all too much.”  There is no direction a person can look without witnessing – yes, goodness and hope for our future – but also shifting sands blown around with enough force to obscure what we THINK we know about just about everything as global status quo — disappears into – what?

Obscurity?

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Meanwhile, myself being but one speck of sand, I stand here at my computer gazing toward the northern snow covered mountains kissing the clouds, rock solid against ephemeral motion and change, getting ready to write words here about something so important to my personal history – past present and undoubtedly future – that it takes a force of great will for me to let them appear here.

As if – if I do NOT concretize these words they do not exist.  Well, that’s obvious.  True for all words, spoken, written – thought about?

Autism.  Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).  Me.  You?

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So, I MUST write a warning here to any of this blog’s readers who have suffered the horrors of severe early abuse and trauma – ESPECIALLY if you know the abuse and neglect existed from the earliest moments of your life.

Be EXTREMELY CAREFUL of yourself if you choose to, decide to, take a read/look into this bestselling book:

Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman and Oliver Sacks

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There have been postings on this blog about “adult Reactive Attachment Disorder,” a diagnostic category that is certainly under great debate.  There is information ‘out there’ about how early attachment trauma can create such developmental changes to physiological development (including gene expression) that aspects that LOOK like and SEEM like autism can manifest.

So?

Having jumped unguided and unsuspectingly into the text of Silverman’s book I have been hit – hard – with the strong possibility that I was BORN either on the “autism spectrum” or so close to it that it is only due to the current lack of human knowledge about neurodiversity that I cannot wade through the turbulence of lack-of-truth about these conditions to discover this (to me) very strange truth about myself.

Or many others….

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I HATE to stir waters, make a splash, upset apple carts – mine or anyone else’s.  I do know that since I opened the covers of this book (which I have since passed on to someone in the community working professionally “in the field”) I no longer have the same inner cosmology that I have always had up to this point.

NOTHING about myself in my life, as far back as I know and can remember, is ‘reading’ the same as before.  There is an entirely different lens/filter in place now.  And NOTHING about this current process is comfortable or easy – or the same.

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My guess is that those living in rural places have very little or no access to professional help with this ‘situation.’  The information is too new, and the true knowledge about it still lies somewhere in the pitch blackness.

Right now, more than this I cannot say,  except BE VERY CAREFUL of yourself around this book!

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Sunday, January 8, 2017. In fact, with the right methods of presentation — I bet there are many people who can “figure out the punch lines” before anyone even tells them what this “trauma healing business” is actually all about.  This idea that came to me today can give people clear pictures of the solutions — many of which already exist in their lives — before anyone actually describes to them “the problem is you have a REALLY HIGH ACE SCORE!”

I have been thinking about how I might introduce ACEs connected trauma healing information to this new community I moved to last October ever since I arrived here.  I have tested the waters, so to speak, in talking to some of the people I have met here.  Nothing about this process is or will necessarily be easy.  Who wants to talk about trauma?

Suddenly this afternoon I had my own little epiphany!  I would NEVER want to put this information into motion by beginning with the big T word!  NO!

Even though I cannot say I understand the big R word – resiliency – I have decided that there is no other way for me to begin this personal work of mine here!

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I found an interesting 2011 article that discusses various Resiliency Questionnaires.  The conclusion basically is that nobody evidently knows what resiliency is – so how CAN it be measured?

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Health Qual Life Outcomes. 2011; 9: 8.

Published online 2011 Feb 4. doi:  10.1186/1477-7525-9-8

PMCID: PMC3042897

A methodological review of resilience measurement scales

Gill Windle,1 Kate M Bennett,2 and Jane Noyes3

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Fine with me.  Really.  If ACEs trauma healing information is going to be introduced into any community it is already known that each of those communities are going to have to individualize the entire process to their own specific locale.  While the facts of ACE information appears stable, the “delivery and implementation” systems need to be tailor made.

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I have been informally approached by someone interested in knowing if I could formulate a “delivery system” connected to ACE community healing that is art based.  As a Nationally Registered Art Therapist I COULD design something like this and could instruct those working on this project (in a different state).  Where there is a need – there can be found a way….

So today my epiphany provided for me a basic template I can now think about.  Here it is in its informal beginning sketch format (this is all “a work in progress”):

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I call this “pattern” for a delivery system of ACE information —

R.E.A.L. © Trauma Healing

The words that I capitalize in bold type are the main words that delineate a structure for community discussion.  The rest of the words in parenthesis are at this point still being considered as “idea words” – that could be included in a presentation, or that might or might not rather be generated in discussion about the main words.

(I would be able to use art expression experiences all the way through this entire process – and could teach the right person/people how to do this, as well.)

The main words are concepts that begin to describe a process most importantly, from a positive point of view/experience.

R.

RESILIENCE, RESOURCES

(could include resourcefulness, rest, relaxation, recuperation….  Rejection, rejecting = to me, a kind of immune system response as with our cells = what is not good for us is rejected, which then becomes one of our resiliency factors.  Often trauma interferes with abilities to know what is good for us and what is not, preventing us from acting according to our best interests.  It is also true that learning about trauma as it affects all of us will enable us to be more accepting of others, of the problems we face together as we work out solutions.)

(NOTE:  There are two words I only use with great and specific care and consideration when it comes to healing for severe early trauma survivors:  “restore” and “recover.”  If trauma begins early enough (and it can certainly begin at conception) for a person (in my case from the moment of my birth), and if the trauma in a family is pervasive and severe, there is not REALLY much to “restore” a person to or for them to “recover” from that horrendous mess.  I do believe deep healing from early trauma will likely progress to a point where a survivor can “go back” to find their own pure, innocent, beautiful SELF – that was traumatized but that is NOT a “part of” the early trauma.  On the whole, I just don’t even think in terms of “restore” or “recover” without including much careful consideration of the reality of anyone’s earliest history.”

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E.

EVERYBODY

(I would include earth, (epigenetics), exploration, enjoyment, entertainment, empowerment, empathy, expression, emotion, epiphany, excitement, enthusiasm, education….  EVERYBODY is in this life together, and very few get through a lifetime free from trauma.)

(I would suggest a very strong emphasis on this section!  Including –

  • Discussion of “com” as a prefix meaning “with”
  • Making connections to the possibilities that among the most “traumatized” people and families tendencies toward great isolation might exist – healing addresses these patterns
  • Discussion of “everyone” includes patterns of what is being today called “accompaniment” among people. Forms of peer relationships strengthening attachment bonds on all levels are included here, along with peer-based modeling of new life skills, encouragement, teaching, shared learning, etc.
  • It is clear that, as a social species, humans are actually designed to be WITH one another in positive ways. This is the direction of the healing of our species.
  • Included in this area of conversation and discussion I would include opportunity for examination of what the following words mean to participants in their family, culture, location, etc.: community, communication, compassion, commune (with).  Yes, this is about creating recognizable safe and secure attachment relationships. The use of simple, enjoyable art expression techniques enables this attachment to happen from the center of each person involved in this process – and the best of attachment can grow right from that beginning.

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A.

ACE TRAUMA AND HEALING

(It would not be until at least the third “session” (meeting) that the main topic of  introducing ACE trauma and healing information would be introduced specifically.  Prior to this every effort would have been made to expose and examine every possible positive aspect of people’s lives first!  I also think art and creativity belong in this section, as well!)

(This section of ACE specific trauma healing training builds on:  affirm, affirming, affirmation; accept, acceptance, accepting; adapt)

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L.

LIFELONG LEARNING

(love, laughter, linkages….)

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I certainly am not qualified to teach all the ACE related information!  I do understand that my little epiphany today might provide patterns for delivering this information such as someone else TRAINED for this job could adapt and/or make use of.

We are all in a discovery phase regarding what to DO with the CDC ACE information – in our own lives, in our communities, in our world.

The job of DOING this work seems to big for me – at least right now.  I will help where I can.  Do what I can.  And recognize that I might be called-from-within to do more of this work than I want to.

If this turns out to be true – I have a lot of self-education to do about this ACE trauma healing revolution.  I guess I won’t be able to pass on a baton – especially to the younger generations — if I don’t first have a baton in my hand.

I suppose it’s like carrying a hot coal – keeping a spark alive – finding the right conditions to light a fire of learning and change.  Time will tell me where my place is to be in this process.

I just hope and pray that if I am called to action I will be ready, willing and able to do the work.  Honestly?  I would strongly prefer that someone else does it!

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

 

 

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Thursday, December 29, 2016.  “Of course you feel that way!  I am here with you.  I hear you.  I value you.  I understand.  You are safe with me.”

Wow.

Add to this interplay between people a shared awareness that there are situations and circumstances that bother people – things that are less than ideal and often can be downright challenging.

Does it matter most that we are not alone?

Adrift in dangerous waters.  Alone.

Add to that – for many people – the fact that those in early years that were supposed to shelter, protect, and preserve from harm the very young people – did the opposite – harming them by what was done as well as by the withholding of what was so very vitally needed….

Fast forward….

All these things – in operation in all kinds of ways in all kinds of communities.  Everywhere.

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All I know is that this American “holiday season” can be really hard on people.  I think it amplifies and sets to vibrating all attachment traumas that have accumulated over one’s lifetime.

And where’s the reprieve?  Who shares with us that comfort of “Of course you feel that way?”

That’s an unsolvable paradox in many, many situations.  If our life has always run along smoothly – for the most part – are we more able to float over a holiday season feeling happy and inwardly connected in all the ways that matter?

And if our life has been built from the beginning upon trauma perpetuated by those main attachment people who we needed to comfort, sooth and protect and assist us – what then?

It is NOT OUR FAULT – nothing for us to feel ashamed about – if the opposite of “joy” seems to darken the passageway from the start of any “holiday season” to the end of it.  We are not to blame if underneath all efforts we might make to assist those around us to feel happier doesn’t seem to naturally bathe us in a warm glow-from-within.

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How can we “be OK” if we are not FEELING OK?  I have to remind myself often that I am far, far, FAR more than “just how I feel.”  For very sensitive people — especially for those who suffered from trauma altered development due to abuse, trauma, neglect and failed attachment during the earliest, critically important developmental months and years of life – our body cannot necessarily separate past feelings from present-moment ones.

Yes, this is part of “trauma triggering.”  When time as a certain culture prefers to consider it seems to warp – to wrap past around present and back again – we CAN feel more overwhelmed that we actually are (in the present moment).

I am blessed beyond words to have a trauma-informed so-compassionate friend to talk with (he lives almost 2k miles away but telephones of today are miracles!) so that I can hear those so-important words!

“Of course you feel that way!”

Together we talk feelings out and put life in perspective for NOW – no matter how the past has “in-formed” itself into us.

Relighting the lantern of compassionate self-and-other care is a continual process.  We are always trying to untangle trauma from our lives as we seek to understand it.

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I think that what we most need is the sense that “Everything is OK.”  “I am OK” is the essence of being safe and secure (not being threatened with or in danger), not feeling alone, feeling soothed, knowing that somehow we are never alone (which I believe is a spiritual truth).  Early highly traumatized people might not often feel this way – perhaps never really do. “Of course we feel that way” – and these truths are part of “normalizing” our inner experiences.

It can be very tiring to have to live this way as trauma survivors.  I think this is a big part of why for many the “holiday season” can be so difficult to get through.  Why can’t we, at least just for THIS SEASON, feel “better?”

Trauma isn’t a snowflake that will melt with the first hint of warmth.  Holidays are not magical.  Often they are trauma amplifiers – “So of course we feel this way!”

Our life is not easy.  It’s often damn hard in major ways.  We never deserved what was done to us.  NEVER!!

Yet here we are.  Here we still are.  And there IS goodness here.  It helps us to try to find that goodness.  One personal truth at a time.  One shared truth at a time.

One breath at a time.

One heartbeat

One shared heartbeat….

Because no matter how alone we feel at any given moment in time — we are all in this process called life – together.

Holidays are no exception.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Friday, December 16, 2016.  Musing today:  What is listening?  To me it is an interaction that really cannot take place without the “feeling felt” experience being present.

I sure in no way believe it’s limited to humans interacting with humans!  That makes listening, in my “cosmological” thinking, something that directly involves spirit!

Listening.  A transmission of experience – very much in the NOW moment when it is in action – therefore it is LIFE itself – in motion.  Hence, it’s connection to emotion = energy in motion.  The life force itself being exchanged.

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I am exceedingly grateful for having been able to spend the bulk of my childhood ensconced in the wilderness upon the mountainside of our Alaskan homestead.  I had so little consciousness of anything back then due to the terrible and bizarre situation of my human family madness.  Yet I did have relationship with fundamental nature.  Looking back I understand that I was in perpetual relationship with Life Spirit.

Human relationships were forbidden to me by Mother’s unique version of psychotic madness.  No matter what was done to me while we were on the mountain, my essential self was OK – because I was essentially connected.  Although on human level I was alone, on the level of spirit I was continually near an infinite source of comfort.

During the times we were living off of the mountain my life was much more difficult.  At those times the prison she created for me was itself trapped within another prison – the one created by “civilization” – which I can simply translate as being degrees of absence from the pure spirit of nature.

Yet even then Alaska itself exuded (pre-oil boom, pre-satellites and drones….) its own force so that it permeated most people who walked upon its land, drank its water, breathed its so-sweet air.  I know this factor assisted my survival.  Survival that continues because it is directly linked to the power-of-place.

Sustaining place.  Which seems to be different for different people.  (I have a dear friend raised on a North Dakota farm who moved to Manhattan as soon as she could do so after completing her art degree – and LOVES it there.  A total mystery to me.)

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At least I look out my window here and see outlines of forest covered mountains in the near distant north.  Rolling hills surrounding this small New Mexico town I have moved to seeming to be warm and holding arms surrounding me.  Dappled light, leaves free now to turn their favorite shade of red or gold, free to travel in the light or blustering breezes.

I have hopes once I am more settled here that I will be able to travel around to see the land here, to visit the wilderness – although my definition of wilderness will always inherently mean WAY NORTH – but this area is protected, designated wilderness.  I am glad it is near to me and that I am near to it.

I feel sustained in ways that North Dakota could never afford me.  There’s an inner assurance for me that I will be OK.

On the human range?  Gradually I wander the hills of town, visiting shops, approaching people, casually chatting, trying to learn/remember names, hearing stories….

This is all tied to the organization and orientation of a person in one’s life.  Listening within to what feels comfortable, lends to senses of safety and security, of resonance that says “Where I am comes closer to mirroring to me who I essentially am that other places possibly can.”

Coming home.  Coming home to self.  Finding others to listen to as I listen to the wind, the area, the place – and being human, the stories and lived degrees of drama of others who live here – many from families who have been here for hundreds of years – I will feel more felt – hopefully lighting up places within where joy resides – rather than hides.

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The fight to survive.  To endure.

The fight to feel OK.

Then the fight to find the glimmerings of joy – and then maybe some floods of it?

And – to somehow be connected not only to the spirit of land and climate and animals – but also to someone else – even if only once in a while.

Contributions of goodness.  Acts of service to the world we are a part of.  Not always easy.  Certainly.  But along the continuum of possibilities – the art of finding ways to genuinely feel better is a really, really good ‘thing’.

One moment at a time is fine.  When we connect to any fundamental place within us so that our essential self can feel at rest (as we listen within to what this sounds/feels like) – when there is no immediate threat present that needs to be responded to by our body’s survival stress responses (not even in our thoughts at these moments) – I think we are feeling-felt by our own self-within-the-flow-of-ongoing-life – the way we are all SUPPOSED to feel it.

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Meanwhile……

All this trauma?  Not in our own lifespan – but it is coming, that time when humanity will mature greatly so that all this human-caused trauma will end everywhere on this earth.  We are all a part of humanity’s maturation process, this healing.  And sometimes — we can feel the upside right here — within us.

And when we do — I think it is important to notice!  Notice “all the way around” and within us.  There’s a context here.  Lots of important information exists in these moments of (relative) peace we can notice, listen to, experience, value, learn from.

Maybe these are moments when order has been (briefly?) established within a chaotic world.  Oh, how I know how tiring it is to have to work so hard to reach these moments!  Yet sometimes they come as gifts of grace.  I don’t want to miss noticing and cherishing them — no matter what — I am listening.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame