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Sunday, January 8, 2017. In fact, with the right methods of presentation — I bet there are many people who can “figure out the punch lines” before anyone even tells them what this “trauma healing business” is actually all about.  This idea that came to me today can give people clear pictures of the solutions — many of which already exist in their lives — before anyone actually describes to them “the problem is you have a REALLY HIGH ACE SCORE!”

I have been thinking about how I might introduce ACEs connected trauma healing information to this new community I moved to last October ever since I arrived here.  I have tested the waters, so to speak, in talking to some of the people I have met here.  Nothing about this process is or will necessarily be easy.  Who wants to talk about trauma?

Suddenly this afternoon I had my own little epiphany!  I would NEVER want to put this information into motion by beginning with the big T word!  NO!

Even though I cannot say I understand the big R word – resiliency – I have decided that there is no other way for me to begin this personal work of mine here!

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I found an interesting 2011 article that discusses various Resiliency Questionnaires.  The conclusion basically is that nobody evidently knows what resiliency is – so how CAN it be measured?

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Health Qual Life Outcomes. 2011; 9: 8.

Published online 2011 Feb 4. doi:  10.1186/1477-7525-9-8

PMCID: PMC3042897

A methodological review of resilience measurement scales

Gill Windle,1 Kate M Bennett,2 and Jane Noyes3

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Fine with me.  Really.  If ACEs trauma healing information is going to be introduced into any community it is already known that each of those communities are going to have to individualize the entire process to their own specific locale.  While the facts of ACE information appears stable, the “delivery and implementation” systems need to be tailor made.

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I have been informally approached by someone interested in knowing if I could formulate a “delivery system” connected to ACE community healing that is art based.  As a Nationally Registered Art Therapist I COULD design something like this and could instruct those working on this project (in a different state).  Where there is a need – there can be found a way….

So today my epiphany provided for me a basic template I can now think about.  Here it is in its informal beginning sketch format (this is all “a work in progress”):

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I call this “pattern” for a delivery system of ACE information —

R.E.A.L. © Trauma Healing

The words that I capitalize in bold type are the main words that delineate a structure for community discussion.  The rest of the words in parenthesis are at this point still being considered as “idea words” – that could be included in a presentation, or that might or might not rather be generated in discussion about the main words.

(I would be able to use art expression experiences all the way through this entire process – and could teach the right person/people how to do this, as well.)

The main words are concepts that begin to describe a process most importantly, from a positive point of view/experience.

R.

RESILIENCE, RESOURCES

(could include resourcefulness, rest, relaxation, recuperation….  Rejection, rejecting = to me, a kind of immune system response as with our cells = what is not good for us is rejected, which then becomes one of our resiliency factors.  Often trauma interferes with abilities to know what is good for us and what is not, preventing us from acting according to our best interests.  It is also true that learning about trauma as it affects all of us will enable us to be more accepting of others, of the problems we face together as we work out solutions.)

(NOTE:  There are two words I only use with great and specific care and consideration when it comes to healing for severe early trauma survivors:  “restore” and “recover.”  If trauma begins early enough (and it can certainly begin at conception) for a person (in my case from the moment of my birth), and if the trauma in a family is pervasive and severe, there is not REALLY much to “restore” a person to or for them to “recover” from that horrendous mess.  I do believe deep healing from early trauma will likely progress to a point where a survivor can “go back” to find their own pure, innocent, beautiful SELF – that was traumatized but that is NOT a “part of” the early trauma.  On the whole, I just don’t even think in terms of “restore” or “recover” without including much careful consideration of the reality of anyone’s earliest history.”

___________________________________

E.

EVERYBODY

(I would include earth, (epigenetics), exploration, enjoyment, entertainment, empowerment, empathy, expression, emotion, epiphany, excitement, enthusiasm, education….  EVERYBODY is in this life together, and very few get through a lifetime free from trauma.)

(I would suggest a very strong emphasis on this section!  Including –

  • Discussion of “com” as a prefix meaning “with”
  • Making connections to the possibilities that among the most “traumatized” people and families tendencies toward great isolation might exist – healing addresses these patterns
  • Discussion of “everyone” includes patterns of what is being today called “accompaniment” among people. Forms of peer relationships strengthening attachment bonds on all levels are included here, along with peer-based modeling of new life skills, encouragement, teaching, shared learning, etc.
  • It is clear that, as a social species, humans are actually designed to be WITH one another in positive ways. This is the direction of the healing of our species.
  • Included in this area of conversation and discussion I would include opportunity for examination of what the following words mean to participants in their family, culture, location, etc.: community, communication, compassion, commune (with).  Yes, this is about creating recognizable safe and secure attachment relationships. The use of simple, enjoyable art expression techniques enables this attachment to happen from the center of each person involved in this process – and the best of attachment can grow right from that beginning.

__________________________________________

A.

ACE TRAUMA AND HEALING

(It would not be until at least the third “session” (meeting) that the main topic of  introducing ACE trauma and healing information would be introduced specifically.  Prior to this every effort would have been made to expose and examine every possible positive aspect of people’s lives first!  I also think art and creativity belong in this section, as well!)

(This section of ACE specific trauma healing training builds on:  affirm, affirming, affirmation; accept, acceptance, accepting; adapt)

_______________________________________________

L.

LIFELONG LEARNING

(love, laughter, linkages….)

________________________________________

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I certainly am not qualified to teach all the ACE related information!  I do understand that my little epiphany today might provide patterns for delivering this information such as someone else TRAINED for this job could adapt and/or make use of.

We are all in a discovery phase regarding what to DO with the CDC ACE information – in our own lives, in our communities, in our world.

The job of DOING this work seems to big for me – at least right now.  I will help where I can.  Do what I can.  And recognize that I might be called-from-within to do more of this work than I want to.

If this turns out to be true – I have a lot of self-education to do about this ACE trauma healing revolution.  I guess I won’t be able to pass on a baton – especially to the younger generations — if I don’t first have a baton in my hand.

I suppose it’s like carrying a hot coal – keeping a spark alive – finding the right conditions to light a fire of learning and change.  Time will tell me where my place is to be in this process.

I just hope and pray that if I am called to action I will be ready, willing and able to do the work.  Honestly?  I would strongly prefer that someone else does it!

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

 

 

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Thursday, December 29, 2016.  “Of course you feel that way!  I am here with you.  I hear you.  I value you.  I understand.  You are safe with me.”

Wow.

Add to this interplay between people a shared awareness that there are situations and circumstances that bother people – things that are less than ideal and often can be downright challenging.

Does it matter most that we are not alone?

Adrift in dangerous waters.  Alone.

Add to that – for many people – the fact that those in early years that were supposed to shelter, protect, and preserve from harm the very young people – did the opposite – harming them by what was done as well as by the withholding of what was so very vitally needed….

Fast forward….

All these things – in operation in all kinds of ways in all kinds of communities.  Everywhere.

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All I know is that this American “holiday season” can be really hard on people.  I think it amplifies and sets to vibrating all attachment traumas that have accumulated over one’s lifetime.

And where’s the reprieve?  Who shares with us that comfort of “Of course you feel that way?”

That’s an unsolvable paradox in many, many situations.  If our life has always run along smoothly – for the most part – are we more able to float over a holiday season feeling happy and inwardly connected in all the ways that matter?

And if our life has been built from the beginning upon trauma perpetuated by those main attachment people who we needed to comfort, sooth and protect and assist us – what then?

It is NOT OUR FAULT – nothing for us to feel ashamed about – if the opposite of “joy” seems to darken the passageway from the start of any “holiday season” to the end of it.  We are not to blame if underneath all efforts we might make to assist those around us to feel happier doesn’t seem to naturally bathe us in a warm glow-from-within.

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How can we “be OK” if we are not FEELING OK?  I have to remind myself often that I am far, far, FAR more than “just how I feel.”  For very sensitive people — especially for those who suffered from trauma altered development due to abuse, trauma, neglect and failed attachment during the earliest, critically important developmental months and years of life – our body cannot necessarily separate past feelings from present-moment ones.

Yes, this is part of “trauma triggering.”  When time as a certain culture prefers to consider it seems to warp – to wrap past around present and back again – we CAN feel more overwhelmed that we actually are (in the present moment).

I am blessed beyond words to have a trauma-informed so-compassionate friend to talk with (he lives almost 2k miles away but telephones of today are miracles!) so that I can hear those so-important words!

“Of course you feel that way!”

Together we talk feelings out and put life in perspective for NOW – no matter how the past has “in-formed” itself into us.

Relighting the lantern of compassionate self-and-other care is a continual process.  We are always trying to untangle trauma from our lives as we seek to understand it.

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I think that what we most need is the sense that “Everything is OK.”  “I am OK” is the essence of being safe and secure (not being threatened with or in danger), not feeling alone, feeling soothed, knowing that somehow we are never alone (which I believe is a spiritual truth).  Early highly traumatized people might not often feel this way – perhaps never really do. “Of course we feel that way” – and these truths are part of “normalizing” our inner experiences.

It can be very tiring to have to live this way as trauma survivors.  I think this is a big part of why for many the “holiday season” can be so difficult to get through.  Why can’t we, at least just for THIS SEASON, feel “better?”

Trauma isn’t a snowflake that will melt with the first hint of warmth.  Holidays are not magical.  Often they are trauma amplifiers – “So of course we feel this way!”

Our life is not easy.  It’s often damn hard in major ways.  We never deserved what was done to us.  NEVER!!

Yet here we are.  Here we still are.  And there IS goodness here.  It helps us to try to find that goodness.  One personal truth at a time.  One shared truth at a time.

One breath at a time.

One heartbeat

One shared heartbeat….

Because no matter how alone we feel at any given moment in time — we are all in this process called life – together.

Holidays are no exception.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Friday, December 16, 2016.  Musing today:  What is listening?  To me it is an interaction that really cannot take place without the “feeling felt” experience being present.

I sure in no way believe it’s limited to humans interacting with humans!  That makes listening, in my “cosmological” thinking, something that directly involves spirit!

Listening.  A transmission of experience – very much in the NOW moment when it is in action – therefore it is LIFE itself – in motion.  Hence, it’s connection to emotion = energy in motion.  The life force itself being exchanged.

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I am exceedingly grateful for having been able to spend the bulk of my childhood ensconced in the wilderness upon the mountainside of our Alaskan homestead.  I had so little consciousness of anything back then due to the terrible and bizarre situation of my human family madness.  Yet I did have relationship with fundamental nature.  Looking back I understand that I was in perpetual relationship with Life Spirit.

Human relationships were forbidden to me by Mother’s unique version of psychotic madness.  No matter what was done to me while we were on the mountain, my essential self was OK – because I was essentially connected.  Although on human level I was alone, on the level of spirit I was continually near an infinite source of comfort.

During the times we were living off of the mountain my life was much more difficult.  At those times the prison she created for me was itself trapped within another prison – the one created by “civilization” – which I can simply translate as being degrees of absence from the pure spirit of nature.

Yet even then Alaska itself exuded (pre-oil boom, pre-satellites and drones….) its own force so that it permeated most people who walked upon its land, drank its water, breathed its so-sweet air.  I know this factor assisted my survival.  Survival that continues because it is directly linked to the power-of-place.

Sustaining place.  Which seems to be different for different people.  (I have a dear friend raised on a North Dakota farm who moved to Manhattan as soon as she could do so after completing her art degree – and LOVES it there.  A total mystery to me.)

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At least I look out my window here and see outlines of forest covered mountains in the near distant north.  Rolling hills surrounding this small New Mexico town I have moved to seeming to be warm and holding arms surrounding me.  Dappled light, leaves free now to turn their favorite shade of red or gold, free to travel in the light or blustering breezes.

I have hopes once I am more settled here that I will be able to travel around to see the land here, to visit the wilderness – although my definition of wilderness will always inherently mean WAY NORTH – but this area is protected, designated wilderness.  I am glad it is near to me and that I am near to it.

I feel sustained in ways that North Dakota could never afford me.  There’s an inner assurance for me that I will be OK.

On the human range?  Gradually I wander the hills of town, visiting shops, approaching people, casually chatting, trying to learn/remember names, hearing stories….

This is all tied to the organization and orientation of a person in one’s life.  Listening within to what feels comfortable, lends to senses of safety and security, of resonance that says “Where I am comes closer to mirroring to me who I essentially am that other places possibly can.”

Coming home.  Coming home to self.  Finding others to listen to as I listen to the wind, the area, the place – and being human, the stories and lived degrees of drama of others who live here – many from families who have been here for hundreds of years – I will feel more felt – hopefully lighting up places within where joy resides – rather than hides.

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The fight to survive.  To endure.

The fight to feel OK.

Then the fight to find the glimmerings of joy – and then maybe some floods of it?

And – to somehow be connected not only to the spirit of land and climate and animals – but also to someone else – even if only once in a while.

Contributions of goodness.  Acts of service to the world we are a part of.  Not always easy.  Certainly.  But along the continuum of possibilities – the art of finding ways to genuinely feel better is a really, really good ‘thing’.

One moment at a time is fine.  When we connect to any fundamental place within us so that our essential self can feel at rest (as we listen within to what this sounds/feels like) – when there is no immediate threat present that needs to be responded to by our body’s survival stress responses (not even in our thoughts at these moments) – I think we are feeling-felt by our own self-within-the-flow-of-ongoing-life – the way we are all SUPPOSED to feel it.

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Meanwhile……

All this trauma?  Not in our own lifespan – but it is coming, that time when humanity will mature greatly so that all this human-caused trauma will end everywhere on this earth.  We are all a part of humanity’s maturation process, this healing.  And sometimes — we can feel the upside right here — within us.

And when we do — I think it is important to notice!  Notice “all the way around” and within us.  There’s a context here.  Lots of important information exists in these moments of (relative) peace we can notice, listen to, experience, value, learn from.

Maybe these are moments when order has been (briefly?) established within a chaotic world.  Oh, how I know how tiring it is to have to work so hard to reach these moments!  Yet sometimes they come as gifts of grace.  I don’t want to miss noticing and cherishing them — no matter what — I am listening.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

 

 

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Thursday, December 15, 2016.  Not OK.  Not at all OK.  This is the essence of trauma.  When we – and those close to us (physically/emotionally/history-wise = through any kind of ‘proximity recognition’) – are not OK, trauma exists.

It is present somewhere, and until there is positive and (dare I say?) exemplary resolution (solution) to the stem, root cause of and circumstances surrounding ‘this’ trauma, there IS NO OK!

We, then, are either OK – or we are not.  We?  Me?  You?  Some of us?  All of us?

My next thought is of “pockets of infection.”  Causes of trauma ARE infections.  They are disturbances of OKness, of equilibrium, of restitution (restoring to-ness) of all kinds of “flaws” to ALL of our lives on physical – which includes emotional and, of course, spiritual – well-being.

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I question perfection in this sphere of existence within which these words are being written and read.  I believe in progress toward perfection, certainly, and in the process of being alive in this material world there must be differences and distinctions, continuums which may or may not include polarities and their juxtapositions.  There is inherent change in this world-life.

Change.  An absolute?

I do not know, but I do know there are limited acceptable parameters for what IS OK and what is not OK for humans in order for their well-being to be experienced.

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And then – there is joy.  There is happiness.  There is peace and tranquility.

There is such a thing, even in split-nanosecond time increments, of being SAFE and SECURE at the same time we are alive.  Then there is also such a thing of feeling TRUSTING this safe and secure experience is NOT limited to split-nanoseconds of the time of our life.

How does this kind of trust coexist with degrees of non-well-being?  Is this where hope comes in?  How about empowerment?  That we somehow have the ability to access resources?

Resources.  What are they?  Or can I simply repeat what I learned in about 4th grade — that who, what, when, where, how, why and how much – MATTERS – to all life all of the time?

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Are we OK personally?  Are others OK?  (How inclusive our conception of OTHERS is matters.)

If not – who is not OK?  From here we can use all the 4th grade mental tools to examine problems, find and implement solutions.

No part of this process of life is about being alone – no matter how alone we feel.  Cutoff from resources, including adequate human ones, yes.  But we are not alone.  We are in this together.

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These words also come to mind:  Inner quietude; assurances, feeling assured; faith, belief, knowing; healing; protection.

Is there such a ‘thing’ as broken?  Is there such a ‘thing’ as being lost?

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Truth is, none of this is what I really want to mention today.  I want to say that I doubt that anyone escapes the sensation of being disorganized-disoriented when any threat to our essential life appears.  While this might be more common than any of us early severe abuse and neglect survivors might guess, I do doubt that others do not DISSOLVE when such a threat comes along – out of nowhere.

This dissolution of self, I bet, is most profound for people who suffered especially attacks by earliest caregiver(s) – most often mother – and were not nurtured by this person.  In fact, many of us were, because of severe mental illness in our early caregiver, actually HATED.

Because, in essence, the end purpose of early safe and secure attachment is to help us become an essentially happy and whole self – early experience on the opposite extreme can certainly create the opposite kind of self – one that barely exists at all – the “dissolved” or “easily dissolvable” self.

The sketches I drew above apply to everyone.  We all experience life with our some-version-of-a-self.  Those of us at the ‘bottom’ of the disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment (which I would call even in adults a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) ladder experience the classic dysregulation of this attachment pattern as “dissociation” that built our physiology, meaning our essential self is an easily “dissolvable” one when we are not feeling safe and secure with others and/or with the essential circumstances of our existence.

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And yet if one studies the tomes of developmental neuroscience

it could be said that if forming a body-brain on all its multiple complex levels that is maximally designed to respond quickly, efficiently, effectively to threat in the environment

and then to return to pre-threat stasis point is a really GOOD ‘thing’

that maximally ensures continued survival

so that

a person formed in a most malevolent early caregiver environment

who has essentially a ‘reactive dissolvable’ responsive self in consequence

might actually be the most highly evolved adaptive ‘system’

on earth.

The problem is that living a life in such a designed adapted body is really, really not a lot of fun!

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I am, of course, being vicious with any allusion to this terrible state of existence as being positive – in any way other than the fact our adaptive abilities have kept us alive.  NOBODY should EVER go through an early life under those kinds of malevolent, hostile, brutal, etc. conditions!  EVER!!

My positive allusion is only to this point, to emphasize what an incredibly adaptive system early human development can avail itself of.

While as adults we can try to do everything in our power to create a life environment of minimal threat and maximum safety and security, we cannot control the world.  There will be times when circumstances will threaten us and our (degrees of…) “dissolvable self” will be triggered.

Then what?

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

+WHAT A MOVE

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Tuesday, November 15, 2016.  I wasn’t really sure that it would ever happen — me being back online.  On my own computer.  In my own home.  Many many many long LONG miles south and west of Fargo, ND where my last post was written.

Thank you all for your patience!  My thoughts are certainly not running in anything like a straight line (yet), so this is simply a bare bones check in. I feel I have lived through several lifetunes – Ha ha ha!  If THAT isn’t some kind of typo!  I MEAN….  LIFETIMES since my fingers last touched these keys.

For now — Hello!  I am glad you are here.  I am glad I am here.  More later!!  Peace be with us all, the world over.

Now for a little JAZZ!  Glad to have music access back, as well!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

 

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Sunday, September 11, 2016.  There are aspects of our life as a human being that are too nebulous to describe.  That, dear friends, is a sentence that says absolutely NOTHING about something, a thing, many things – that are not THINGS to begin with?

Is this a time of profound confusions for me?

Yes.  Unequivocally so.

I am suspecting that when we pass along through a time in our life here on earth when everything that matters most to us is challenged more than ever before, that we lose track of how it is possible for mere words to express the inexpressible.

Why write?

By catching any flying creature, are we at the same time capturing every single trace of movement through the air that creature has experienced before we caught it?

How can it be possible as we transit our life – really – to not have every memory stored within all the invisible places and spaces within us touched and in some way activated (probably ALL of the time but most certainly) during our most difficult times?

What makes something we go through DIFFICULT?  Compared to what?

I don’t think high ACE score people, especially those who suffered extremely BAD (unsafe and insecure attachment) early relationships, go through very much at all in their life in an EASY way.

Ease.

Such a single basic word – transforming into DIS-ease – so invisibly we often cannot determine EXACTLY when this happens – let alone HOW.

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Through so many spiritual practices around the globe humans come to understand – at least periodically – that THIS lifetime is NOT about ease.  It is about changes and chances – and about our reaction to them.

Sounds so simple.

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There are so many ways humans can deaden the experience of having emotions.  Agony.  Sorrow.  Hopelessness.  Confusion.  Terror.  Who in their right mind would choose to FEEL these emotions if there is available methods for NOT feeling them?

Why are we created to even have emotions?  What might be the consequences of contriving ways to deny and ignore them?

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These might seem to be reason-able questions, and yet for those of us with horrendous early trauma histories, there isn’t a way to answer them.

An unsolvable paradox?

Like the one that developmental neuroscientists identify for infants and very young children who must “go on being when going on being is impossible?”

Yes.

It’s like that.

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There are substrates to our existence as physical AND spiritual beings in this lifetime.  Those two wings of our existence must meet somewhere!

We don’t know where, though.  We don’t know HOW they meet.  We don’t know HOW they interplay, interconnect, intertwine.

Personally, I think we are here to learn about the invisible nature of who we are, but I also think we are in a universe essentially governed by mysteries.

Is this where faith inserts itself into our existence, our experience, our awareness (if we are lucky)?

Probably.

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When we live through something very difficult in our life – anything that is colored especially by loss and grief – I am thinking we have stepped at these times into a massive river that really is NOTHING BUT mysterious.

If we believe in a Creator, in a loving and all-knowing omnipotent God, we can turn our attention in that direction and ask for help.  I think I did that continually from the earliest months and years of my life.

I didn’t especially get any tangible responses except that I continued to remain alive.  But that life did not exclude difficulties.

That much I know.

And those difficulties are completely being triggered right now for me as I live through the paradox of not being able to leave my dearly beloved little grandsons and my daughter, their momma – at the same time I cannot stay here in this city in any kind of housing I could afford here to go through another horrid northern winter.

I don’t have it in me to stay, yet I am struggling perhaps more so than I ever have in my adult life to find within (and without) the means to leave.

Oh well.

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I am one of 7.4 billion people on earth right now.  I can pull out the ‘bash me’ card and tell myself “How dare you complain when so many others have a life so much worse than yours?”

Yeah.  THAT is helpful!

NOT.

Wending.  Wending my way through life.  I share this process with everyone.

This wending process only happens one heartbeat at a time.  So what if my emotions are rocketing backward and forward in time “like nobody’s business?”

I CAN do this.  That’s probably all I need to know right now

because it seems to be all that I CAN know right now.

Life.  It’s a piece of work.

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And to me – always – the essence of the process is about this:

“Meditate on what the poet hath written: “Wonder not, if my Best-Beloved be closer to me than mine own self; wonder at this, that I, despite such nearness, should still be so far from Him.”… ”

Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, Author:  Bahá’u’lláh, Source:  US Bahá’í Publishing Trust, 1990 pocket-size edition, Page:  185

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

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Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016.  We live in a world governed by physical laws and forces.  For humans and other social species, attachment circuitry is primary.  It is core and central.

In struggling with the agony of separation from those I am closest to in the world, I was led yet again to view this video of Harry Harlow’s Studies on Dependency in Monkeys that clearly shows the essential nature of these processes.

I never had the chance to build safe and secure attachment systems into my body.  The psychotic abuse from Mother’s mental illness I received began at my birth.

I can imagine the FEELINGS the little monkey in this video was experiencing because I KNOW what I am feeling is very similar.  Exploration into the wider word, including playfulness, does not happen when attachment trauma is activated.  There is nothing present at those times other than the battle to survive, and the agony of craving a sense of being OK in the world.

To leaved my loved ones behind means that I am going against the ‘proximity seeking and fulfillment’ this video describes.  Because nothing in my earliest environment happened to create a ‘mobile attachment system’ that I could carry along with me in my essential, core physiology, what I end up with is the conflict over leaving at all – which I must do – which creates even more agony.

It strikes me that this is also a pattern that keeps people in abusive relationships, making it so hard to get away.  When we are stressed everything in us screams for attachment.  When the attachment harms, a negative spiral goes into motion.

In my case, the negative dis-attachment is to PLACE – to THIS place.  I cannot change who I am.  This is not my first run through the personally devastating experience of living in this place to which I am so incompatibly matched.  In my case, because my primary attachment was to nature, to the outdoors, to stillness and quiet and peacefulness that is impossible to find in a city, I am in a double-bind situation.

I know this!  But to accomplish what must happen in my life means that I cannot escape the agony created as these conflictual processes and the forces inherent in them nearly literally tear me apart.

This also makes me think of children who are being ‘torn apart’ through unstable parental relationships and their machinations.  This is why divorce and primary adult breakups are among the ACE parameters measured.

There are lots of ways to get your attachment-core messed up when you are a kid.  LOTS.

TALKING about these processes matters both in coping with them and in healing.  I imagine that’s why I am writing here today.  We need our WORDS when it comes to all that complicates our lives.  This never stops mattering!

PLEASE watch this!!

video of Harry Harlow’s Studies on Dependency in Monkeys

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NOTE:  It may be that in actuality insecure attachment disorders are known by the body to be a kind of ‘sickness’that is in itself an existing less than optimal condition.  Sickness activates the NEEDS that attachment is meant to eliminate.  Here comes the spiral!

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

+AN UNMOVING MEMORY

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Wednesday, August 24, 2016.  It has been a long, long time since a trauma memory from my childhood has appeared to me unbidden, returning over and over again in these days prior to my move hopefully south at the end of September.

But here it is again today, only it is not an it.  This that is returning is a part of me.  I have had no luck banishing it.  This memory is of something incomplete.  I know enough about early trauma to know this memory is returning because my experience with this one of thousands and thousands of childhood traumas – caused by my mother’s severe psychotic (most likely Borderline Personality Disorder) mental illness – has a message for me.

Trauma that changes our early physiological development is most often trauma in our earliest months and years of life created by our need to adapt to severe trauma in order to survive.  Most of these early – mostly attachment related – traumas do not come to us often with any semantic/autobiographical detailed information present.

Our body ALWAYS remembers everything that ever happens to us.  Even our trauma altered development IS a form of memory.

But in THIS experience I was old enough to have part of a self-memory form about what happened to me.  Yet I do not have ALL of the details.  I don’t need them.  I don’t want them.  I will NOT go in any way to look for them within me.

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If I think about life as a kind of dance, a dramatic dance of motion and movement, of emotion, often of language which, with its pitches, tones, rhythms and prosody IS a kind of music, I see an unbroken, linked-together series of events that cannot actually be separated or even distinguished clearly from one another.

This is our life.  And even as I approach my 65th birthday next week I know that this memory that is visiting me (haunting me?) IS ME.  It is as much ME as is the ME that is writing these words.

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I cannot predict at this moment how the story connected with this memory is going to form itself.  I do not know its words or its phrasing.  I will simply let this write itself as story.  Once the information within me appears in story, it has taken a form “out there” that will give it a kind of integrity, a wholeness-of-form that doesn’t yet exist.

I am curious.

What will this memory say?  What might it wish to tell me?  What does this experience with its trauma have to teach me about myself?

It is important enough for me to try to find out….

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I do not know for certain how old I was (am).  My guess is that I was (am) ten years old.  I COULD have been older, but the me here and now has a kind of felt-sense awareness – body then to body now – of being young but not TOO young.

It is summer time.  We are living on our Alaskan mountain wilderness homestead.  The Wild Geraniums are passing from full bloom into seed.

I am standing among them to the side of the dirt path that leads around a little bend to our outhouse.  I am feeling excited, thrilled even.  I feel enthusiastic.  Happy.  In this mix of pleasantness, so incredibly RARE at any point in my childhood and nearly always tied to being outdoors on the mountain, I have no thought of tragedy.  No thought of Mother.

I have a small paper seed packet I have made with edges sealed with white paste.  I have used crayons to draw images of the flowers of the geraniums on my little envelope.  I am popping seeds of the plant out of their small drying pods to put in my packet.

I want to put these seeds into the letter I am going to write back to my penpal in Japan.  I am SO EXCITED to share with that girl something of this land that I love with my whole being.

Out of the house comes Mother.  I know at this moment that she had been watching me from the window over the kitchen sink.

“Linda!  What are you doing?”

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I had to tell her.  I held up my little envelope.  I told her what I was going to do with those seeds.

There was her mean, shaming, berating, belittling, heart breaking shouting.

“NOBODY WRITES A LETTER BACK TO A PEN PAL RIGHT AWAY!  Nobody but YOU could be THAT STUPID!”

I could imagine the rest of the litany of horrible, devastating, soul-crashing verbal assault that followed – but I won’t.  I can FEEL at this moment what she did to me – yet again.  I know without following the memory that she most likely forced me to go inside to get the letters my Japanese pen pal had written on her frail rice paper in perfect cursive in ink.  I know that she took them from me.  I know she forbid me to ever write my friend again.  If another letter ever came for me, I never knew it.

I know that I didn’t.

I know that at first Mother had to approve of me having a pen pal.  I think her name and address had appeared in a child’s magazine we had a subscription to.  I know that Mother would have had to give me stamps, would have had to post my letters.

I do remember part of Mother’s verbal attack had to do with her condemning my penmanship, comparing handwriting to the perfect writing “by this girl whose language isn’t even English!”

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Why again and again am I having appear a picture child-me standing forlorn beside those flowers, unmoving, staring across the valley, alone?

She does not move.  Me?  I do not move in this image connected to my memory of this experience.  At first I thought I was allowed to stay out there but I really don’t think so.  But I have kept myself out there!  For 55 years – I see myself standing there, thin in worn summer play clothes, dark hair chopped ragged at the nape of my neck, straight bangs Mother cut off-kilter and jagged – and so far I have not been able to change a single thing about this image or the feelings involved.

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I do know as these moments and hours and days pass by in my current life I am terrified at leaving my two young grandsons (ages 4 and 6).  I am terrified at leaving my daughter, their mother, behind.

I will be heading off yet again into an invisible future.  Moving to a place I have never been to before.  Where I know no one.  Where my family will not be.

I also know that Fargo, ND and its climate, the size of its city, everything about it is toxic to me.  I first came here 45 years ago.  Never was I OK here, and I am not OK now.

I HAVE to leave.  It is self-preservation that I go.

So, yes – a part of me is paralyzed.  Immobilized.  Terrified.  Heartsick.  And about to lose a lot.  I am choosing this.  Yet I have to.  A predicament.  A survival paradox.

There’s more to the story.  The story then.  The story now.

Mostly what I know in pondering this memory, this image that comes like a waking dream out of nowhere, is that I have NEVER been beaten.

And I WILL NOT let my life circumstances beat me now.

I also know that when I have really WORKED with a trauma memory from my childhood, with that experience – things change.  They heal.  The power of the pain dissipates quite tolerably.  Most of the time things remain that way.

Something is different.  This move is for many reasons an extremely threatening and difficult one.  I will know more once this is all said and done.

Meanwhile maybe I NEED that child part of me standing with her (my) feet planted firmly on that mountain, like a warm, heart-beating statue upon my beloved mountain – staring back at me.

I think I do.

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Truth is, that invisible girl in Japan was the only friend I ever had.  Mother’s madness HAD to keep me being ONLY the designated evil side of her.  To her I was not human.  I was the devil’s child sent to kill her while I was being born.

She had to create a permanent hell within which to imprison forever ME as her projected evil self.  I could have no relationship with anyone.  Not my father.  Not my siblings.  With nobody.  Not even an invisible girl in Japan.

And CERTAINLY a child kept in hell could NEVER be happy!  NEVER!

Mother was an expert at making sure it never did.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

+WHERE IS HOME?

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Monday, August 1, 2016.  Just saying “A piece of a journey” would be enough, with so very few words, to synopsize what all the rest of the words in this post are about.  As so  often has happened in these past nearly three years what could be a post here ends us being no more than thoughts passing through along the way – because, as we all know, words by themselves do not take up space.  They do not really exist.

Or do they?

Perhaps it was a natural proclivity for words and images, for sound and motion, that made sure humans discovered the technology we so happily use – these days.  Maybe we are designed for this extension of our combined lives.

There certainly DOES seem to be plenty of space here.  I have yet to see my blog posts’ words piling up in a corner collecting either mold or dust.

So – why do I hesitate to add the words of this post into that vast invisible ocean of ones and zeros?  It is personal.  No usefulness in personal?  Well, for heaven’s sake!  Who wants to be the judge?

This began my day:

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I wonder on this gray breezy humidity-soaked, promise of heat searing day, how many moves I have made in my life.  Is there a magical tally point where my moving around disappears into more accurately being called traveling?  Wandering?  Or – the frightening word – homelessness?

Yes, I’ve lived under many different roofs, within many different walls, in many different places with many spans of time I have kept utilities under my name.  Yet here I am again, preparing to launch myself along with some variety of my stuff, back out along a road full of strangers.  Destination unknown.  Direction?  South by west.

(When my youngest was nine he succinctly summarized our lifestyle this way one day, “You know Mother.  We are on the road to nowhere.”  He sure has made himself a wonderful life and home now, and I told him in a message this week that I don’t think ANYTHING about his childhood adventures with me as his mom could have been changed – without those changes having negatively impacted his life now, and his life now is MOST excellent!)

I cannot be entirely unhappy about this anticipated move.  It means I am going to find some way of yet again escaping the northern Midwest. The environs here have never suited me.  Yet it seems clear that some kind of destiny (from God) landed me here 45 years ago so that I’ve bounced in and out of “here” ever since.

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Where is home?

This seems to be a profoundly meaningful reoccurring question in my life that entered my existence even while I was being born.

A mother is home before birth of her baby and is supposed to be home to an infant once it is born.  This I did not have.  In fact, except having my basic physical survival needs met, I experience the very opposite of mothering from birth.

Maybe, I think this morning as I approach my 65th birthday at the end of this month, I was sent off along a trajectory of no-home-in-this-world even before I was born.  Only God knows.  It could be that Mother’s profoundly harmful psychotic break happened during difficult labor.  It could be that it happened at the instant after my birth when she was told I was a girl.  The substance of the break is what mattered.

In consequence of it I was doomed by Mother’s mind to be her nemesis, her non-human child sent by the devil to kill her while I was being born.  I was severed from birth from any ability to really know what HOME can possibly be.  With the exception of my childhood on our Alaskan mountain wilderness homestead.

But I cannot return to VISIT that home.  It’s subdivided now.  Roads paved.  “Littered with the houses of strangers.”

Beyond this?

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None of this seems helpful to me today as I work to deplete my possessions yet again as I need to reduce what I take with me to essentials that will fit into a small 2-wheel U-Haul trailer to be towed along behind my 1978 (305) el Camino – that at this point I don’t even know if I can DRIVE!  (What a predicament I have gotten myself into.)

(What about my art and craft supplies, my tools, my large craft selling inventory?  Take those and no clothes, no dishes, no………………whatevers?)

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Can I reduce the range of my thoughts and feelings down to essentials?  What IS essential?  Om the range of 7.$+ billion humans on the planet – my concerns —  do they matter?

Do I reduce my struggles to nothing in the face of “all that is?”

Do I matter?

No more, no less than anyone else does – can I give myself permission to keep with me this essential knowledge that “YES!  I DO MATTER” because I breath?

And is this self-valuing inextricably bound to PERMISSION?

Can I grant myself permission to not only BE myself but to LOVE myself?

In the middle of all the unknowns in my life right now – it is always the “I within” that is doing the traveling through time and space.

Where PLACE and STUFF fit into this process is everyone’s struggle in this competitive survival world.  As long as we are here as a soul it is fundamentally our body that is our home-of-homes.  (And many sickness devastate this relationship.)

This might be the level where human worth is central and pivotal – “If you are alive you matter, you have value (and you have rights).”

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It might be easier for us to recognize this innate nobility and goodness in infants and young children.  There is no extra layer of “value added” consideration in what the youngest among us do.  We do not demand that they justify either their existence or their value.  Not yet, anyway.  That comes with growing older, growing up.

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Pushing the questions in these seeds of questions back down into the earth-for-later, I remind myself – that these re-location cycles I go through require me, as Socrates advocated, to examine my life.  When money is scarce I also have to examine carefully the value of and my purposes for my possessions.

This is not easy.  It is not fun.  It is not simple.  But like life itself – “It’s gotta get done.”

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Now I seem to have moved forward through the writing of this post to this next essential question:  How, given the complexity of life — at any given point in time (which includes a point in space) — in any circumstance — do I be the best me I can be?

I ask this – “homed” or not – in a spiritual way because I do trust that our Creator has given us all spiritual work to do to work to make this world a better, healthier, happier, more educated and more maturely managed place for all.  No matter who we are, where we are, what we own, we are all in this life together — for a season and for a reason.

No matter that right now I am struggling to feel any comfort with any of this.  Life just simply is full of chances and changes.  We can then just do the best we can do – and that is good enough.

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Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Saturday, July 30, 2016.  If I had more mental energy right now I would construct a very nice introduction to the essay a friend sent me today at this link below.  As things are, I am just very VERY glad I read this!  I am not left with many questions about what is going on with the upcoming election in America.  In fact, after reading this I have so many answers to questions I didn’t know enough about politics to even ask:

Western Liberal Democracy as New World Order? (2007)

“In an age of increasing global interdependence, Dr. Michael Karlberg asks whether the Western model of democracy is the natural and inevitable way to organize free and enlightened societies.”

I have spent much of these past three years caring for my young grandson who just turned 4 last week.  As I read this essay I realized it left me realizing that to improve the world, and our nation, we can really think about things in ways basic to the care of our youngest.

When little people are troubled in any way, and have no language to tell us what they need, we just pay very very close attention to all the signals they give us – and then we provide for them what they need.

This article did exactly that for me.  It gave me what I needed and addressed my concerns so that I don’t feel troubled anymore.

I am impressed! I have nothing profound to say here.  Karlberg does.  Nothing about our political system is BROKEN – it’s just not finished yet.

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Click here to read or to

Leave a Comment »

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Here is my first book out in ebook format as it provides an outline of the conditions of my malevolent childhood.  Click here to view or purchase–

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  A daring book – for daring readers – about a really tough subject.

++++

Tags: adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame