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Saturday, May 16, 2015.  I have many thoughts about writing a post each day – and then the day is gone – and….

Even now, the best I can do is to post some links to other places online where my attention has been tapped into and some of my waking “working memory time” has been captivated.  I will simply begin with today and do a little backward streaming in this regard.  At least you will have SOME idea where I have been in recent days!!

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Rats Feel Empathy? Rodent Psychology: Study Shows Rats Will Do What it Takes to Save Their Mates

Yes, rats. Those garbage-eating, sewer-dwelling, beady-eyed, bald-tailed rodents feel empathy.

By Kimberly M. Aquilina k.aquilina@hngn.com

Empathy is a human trait, but it isn’t unique to humans. Our closest relatives, primates, will help each other out. Elephants bury their dead and giraffe moms who lost a calf are often flanked with other giraffe females during her time of grief. So, how far down the food chain does this trait go?

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Impressive human effort!!

Massive Crop Art of Presidential Seal Sends #NoKXL Message to Pres. Obama

Neligh, Nebraska — During what is normally a time to plant crops, Nebraskans went into the field for a different reason — to create a massive crop art installation of the Presidential Seal with the words “Climate Legacy, #NoKXL” to send a message to Pres. Obama that his legacy is tied to rejecting the Keystone XL tarsands pipeline.”

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Something that I think would help me in many ways as a trauma altered individual!!  (I would use some calming essential oils, as well!)

THE HUG CHAIR

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Something I found on Facebook I really like – just search for “The Resonance Project” if this link doesn’t work and take a look

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Also this on Facebook (the above article about rat empathy was posted here) — Center for Building a Culture of Empathy and Compassion

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Greatly appreciate this article located on a website called Learning Mind – (a kind of alternative site but this article is great!)

Social Anxiety May Be Associated with High IQ and Empathetic Ability   BY CHRISTINA

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Here is another great Facebook graph-image – ACE SCORE AND RELATION TO ADULT HOMELESSNESS

(I am certain this graphic was borrowed from some other webpage if you wish to search for it instead of looking at this Facebook posting)

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These images on Facebook about the geometric nature of life again posted by The Resonance Project

IMAGE – “Geometry will draw the soul toward truth and create the spirit of philosophy.” – Plato

And THIS IMAGEBuckminster Fuller explained to me once that because our world is constructed from geometric relations like the Golden Ratio or the Fibonacci Series, by thinking about geometry all the time, you could organize and harmonize your life with the structure of the world.” – Einar Thors… See More

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This one!

Coffee Cups Embedded With Seeds Grow Into Trees When Thrown Away

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And this one about research showing that SOUR CHERRY is good for sleep – and more!

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And so life goes such as I allude to a tiny slice of it here.  Much of my life right now is so in the living of it that words really add nothing to the experience itself – and hence “the cupboard is nearly bare of words to share.”

Eight continuing months of not nice North Dakota weather – from my point of view – leaves me knowing that no matter how difficult it will be for me to head south again this fall — leaving my family behind up here in the north land — MY needs demand that I make this return journey.  Although I believe it to be true that God never taxes a soul past its power there is also reasonable common sense involved.  I CANNOT endure another winter here!!  Nor would it be remotely wise for me to try.

I am just not designed to live in an apartment complex, trapped indoors by weather in a city on the flat land!

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The musical sphere of my life is doing very well!  I am continuing to learn piano scales slowly and surely using this book:

Hanon: The Virtuoso Pianist in 60 Exercises

I have a long way to go, very true.  This is a kind of personal ME time, a kind of meditative experience that is very good for me!  If I think ANY thought as I play – well – I literally cannot play!  My fingers freeze in midair until I return ONLY to listening.

I am very grateful that I have a Casio electric keyboard I play using headphones.  It is set to strings, which keeps any (to me) jarring shift from note to note completely out of my experience.  I have missed one day of practice in these past eight months.  This may well be one of the most important things I have ever done just for myself!

I continue to ask myself, “Am I learning to play music?”

I have no idea.  What I AM learning is how to play the keys.  Someday I would like to be settled down south living somewhere that would allow me to have a REAL piano!!  I don’t bet on that ever happening, actually.  (I had to let my drumming go for now.  If I am fortunate down in the desert I will find a place to live that lets me play my congas.  I don’t foresee a time when my finances will ever let me afford to buy a drum set.  Maybe?  Time will tell.)

What I do bet on is that if I keep at this for as long as I can during the rest of my life my happiness and well-being will increase!  At the rate I am learning it will take me YEARS to get through this book!  And yet I also wonder if at some point through these exercises I might find that suddenly – there the MUSIC is!!  I am guessing there is probably a musical threshold that I cannot see yet that does lie ahead of me.

I would like that!  And THEN I will teach myself in whatever way I can – for my own pleasure only – to play Beethoven’s Piano Sonatas!  I have the two best books of the music.  I want to at least learn to READ that music so that I can HEAR it in my soul without my fingers having to touch a key!  And there will be nothing stopping me from following along at some point in the future by finding those notes with my fingers on these keys in any way I can figure out how to do that!

Amazing things are possible in this lifetime!

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

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Leave a Comment »

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NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Monday, May 4, 2015.  On the one hand I am thinking Poor Me!  On the other hand I recognize that having the ability to THINK the way I am this morning is a gift.  Only it doesn’t so much FEEL like a gift.  The Poor Me thinking self feels cursed to wake up on a Monday morning with no ability to sidestep the currents of CDC ACE Study-related thoughts that are streaming through my mind.

This having been said, all those words that really mean nothing and are a waste of time (and of internet space), just leave me with those same currents of thought that I seem to have little choice about what I do with them.  I write.  Here I am at this juncture of my life in time and space within the masses of billions of human beings alive on this planet….  Having something to say….

My lengthy telephone conversation yesterday afternoon with one of my sisters stirred up the pot of what I know and of what to do with what I know.

My sister lives in the country on her organic farm south of Austin, Texas.  She told me that her chiropractor in Austin has a flatscreen TV on the wall of his waiting room that does nothing but continually stream ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study information.  She also told me that even her primary care physician is asking questions right along with increasing numbers of people (“the public”) who want to know, “What are we supposed to DO with high ACE score information?”

People are asking, “Does a high ACE score mean I am doomed?”

I hear these things and my mind does not acquiesce into any belief that all these problems are not my concern.  They are somebody else’s.

I don’t have the LUXURY of shutting of my seemingly unbidden near-torrents of thinking about how do we take the in-the-air findings of scholarly research that is confirming what to me is simply common sense:  Truly traumatic childhoods undermine well-being over the course of a lifetime.

Is there a Niagara Falls worth of complexity ahead as more and more people begin to understand what the ACE studies are showing us?  How do humans even begin to constructively counteract these patterns within a culture, society, civilization?

When it comes to influencing the impact and even the existence of ACEs — What can be done?  By whom?  How?  When?

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I do not want to be burdened with thoughts about this subject.  I seem to have no choice.  I was born into an extremely high ACE infancy and childhood.  I might as well be telling myself, “I don’t want to have blue eyes.”

A good friend of mine told me that currently most ACE-related information is online and is being discussed via blogs.  My morning torrents tell me we have to take these concerns out of the air, make them visible, and ground them into the very real material level of existence where we all reside.

How is this going to happen and who is going to do it?

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I just discovered a word I have never heard before.  It summarizes my psychotically mental ill mother’s severely abusive relationship with me – ANATHEMA.

There is a straight arrow track from the first breath I ever took as her accursed newborn to each breath I take today.  I might complain all I want about the horrors of my childhood and what they did to even change my physiological development.  I can complain all I want to about what feels like “a burden of proof” that resides within me.  I could not escape my mother or what she did to me.  I seem equally incapable of escaping what I feel now.

These two ends of the trajectory of my life are fundamentally bound together.  There I was.  Here I am.

I ask myself the same question about my own high ACE experience as I ask about the WHOLE MESS!  What is the MEANING of THIS?

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I might yet live long enough and in the right conditions to foster whatever good I am supposed to accomplish with what I know, which is the same thing as saying, with who I am.

There is a mighty reservoir of information IN EXISTENCE about this entire subject from start to finish.  I seem to hold within myself a portion of this information.

All I know at this moment is a kind of vague and nebulous image connected to answering the questions I pose in this post.

I see an hourglass.  Instead of grains of sand moving from top toward and through a narrow opening towards the bottom I see PEOPLE.

I think that if I could devise only one single kind of intervention for high ACE score people it would be tailored to create a “net” set to capture as many young people close to age 18 as could be found.

It is there I would begin the work toward resolving these kinds of high ACE concerns for the future (which is coming one breath at a time for all of us).

I would work to create a way to catch the next generation of parents exactly as they slip through that tiny hourglass hole from childhood into adulthood.

All of my thinking is, therefore, is beginning to narrowly focus on THIS!

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I am finding this hourglass image helpful as I think about the upper triangle’s base, its widest part as the circumstances in the earliest months of life (attachment interactions) as they dictate even physiological developmental patterns in body-brain.  Research NEEDS to demonstrate the high correlation between high ACE scores and insecure adult attachment.

From there movement to and thru that tiny hole in the middle — if we could catch those young people transitioning from childhood to adulthood and educate them right there about ACEs – we could change where they land on the lower pyramid levels.

We could prevent high ACE people from finding their way to the broad base of the pyramid at the bottom where the greatest lifelong difficulties from high ACEs currently resides.

It is here I would apply pressure to those great trauma wounds to minimize those traumas from being passed to the next generations, as well as to help survivors to heal ASAP.

Every step of positive change accomplished in this way will also have a “lateral” impact as the ripples of informed healing begin to increasingly move out into the wider circle of cultures to permeate a new culture of trauma healing.

In this war on trauma a strategy is needed.  A way to focus all available resources in the most effective way.  My thinking?  This is the direction it is leading me.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

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Leave a Comment »

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NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Sunday, April 26, 2015.  I am reminding myself today of the essential purity of life.  No less than what exists within a single seed the essential self of a human being is alive with this essential purity at all times – and I believe – forever.

This website gives an impressive accounting of the instant-by-instant state of our global population’s ebb and flow.  Take a look!  CURRENT WORLD POPULATION

As I post this, at THIS exact second, this is our global population – 7,310,819,409

What number do YOU see?  The increases are instantaneous.  Where are we all going?  Is there some bigger REASON we are all HERE?

WHO are we, really?  More than most of us think we are, I am quite certain.

How many of these people are suffering at this instant?  How many of us are whole, healthy, happy?

How long will suffering continue?  How will we, as a species, choose to end this suffering?

How perfect we are in our essential essence.  How many of us think of our Creator during the moments of our days and nights?  It matters not in the big picture exactly how any of us conceptualize this Creator.  There is only one of them.  The One Who loves us and allows us to remain here in our fragile bodies just for the briefest amount of time – to LEARN things we need to know.

Each one of us.  On our own path.  With our own journey, our own questions, seeking for our own solutions.

Oh, my!  I wrote these words – and – now — there are already 7,310,820,190 of us HERE!?!?!

And – now — 7,310,820, 313

By accident or by design?

We WILL get HERE — individually and globally:  UNIVERSAL PEACE

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

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Leave a Comment »

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NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Saturday, April 25, 2015.  My intense involvement and investment of focused care for my little grandsons continues to occupy the majority of my waking time.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of what I am looking forward to come fall.

It will sadden me deeply to leave this North Dakota town to return to the small southeastern Arizona place that I call home probably in September.  My leaving here, by all other considerations other than family, is a must.  In between now and then I recognize that my thinking self is about as bound up as would be an eagle whose entire body was wrapped up with duct tape from below beak to above feet.

I can mentally hop around a little bit, but other than that I will not again be able to unfold my “hard study” wings for a few more months.

In the meantime, I did need to coalesce my thoughts today enough to dig out the following two measurement scales to pass over to my daughter who is about to direct data collection for her dissertation and for some other areas of research she is being asked to be a part of.

It will be entirely her decision whether or not to include the gathering of this information I am suggesting along with the ACEs questionnaire she will be using.

I did also manage this morning to write an informal treatise to her about how I view the relevance of adding these two measurement scales to her work.  I will be THRILLED if she does so!  In synopsis of my treatise I can simply report that in my thinking early traumatic experiences (Adverse Childhood Experiences) most likely impact “outcoming” adult attachment at the same time that attachment patterns are put into action and communicated for humans through empathy processes.

Empathy is the language of attachment.  Both are fundamentally biophysical/physiological processes, and in the earliest most critical stages of body-brain development they DIRECT that development either in the direction of survival in a mostly benevolent safe and secure world or in the direction of survival in a mostly malevolent unsafe and insecure world.

It is through ATTACHMENT processes as they “speak” via the signaling language of empathetic processes (all physiological) that the conditions of the environment a new person is growing to be a part of are transmitted.

Most likely in nearly ALL cases I would conjecture that very high ACE scores correlate with corresponding degrees of insecure attachment and corresponding empathy impairment.

I believe that it is at this fundamental, most basic level of empathy communication between generations — through attachment interactions as they convey signals about the condition of the environment through the quality of empathy interactions (degrees of resonance, mirroring, attunement, etc.) — that the fullness of unresolved trauma is transmitted to, through and INTO successive generations.

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Advances in the technology of scientific exploration now allow us to SEE these processes in motion from the start of life, as these articles by Dr. Allan N. Schore describe:

Attachment and the regulation of the right brain

Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health

And here –

VIDEO: Dr. Allan Schore on Attachment Trauma and Effects of Neglect and Abuse on Brain Development (2014)

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The Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) research has essentially begun to crack open the shell of the egg that will hatch out another stage of the evolution of humanity – in an unimaginably glorious new direction.

In the meantime, if there is indeed a strong link between (1) very high ACE scores, (2) insecure attachment disorders and (3) “empathy pathologies” research needs to and CAN find these connections.  I believe that the ACE questionnaire used in research in a three-part combination with measurement tools such as the following, will bring out into the open what matters most.

From there we can take the new emerging light forward to discover solutions.

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SEE ALSO:  ACEsConnection at this link http://www.acesconnection.com

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My recommendations to my daughter to include in her ACE-based research are the

Toronto Empathy Questionnaire (TEQ)

and the

Adult Attachment Scale (AAS) – revised

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Fyi NOTE:  The information in this post came up in conversation recently:

+BRAINWASHING, MIND CONTROL – INFO RELATED TO MY MOTHER

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Sunday, April 19, 2015.  Going for the ray-of-hope should not cause a crash-and-burn, but should this process even be  a part of the equation?

As long as I am going to think in terms of mathematical metaphor I might as well speak of formulas, as well.  What is the formula for a lifetime of suffering?

Of course the answer would have to be considered from a “relativity” perspective.  Certainly there are horror spots on earth where the percentage of suffering people is so high that having a “good life” is so rare an occurrence that it can hardly be detected – anywhere.

What about in America where the rates of child poverty have increased by 60% in the past 6 years while the wealth of the richest of our population has increased by that same 60% figure?

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All my thinking this morning is “affected infected” by my very brief reading of less than ten paragraphs in the outstanding new book by Dr. Bessel A. van der Kolk that my best friend so generously, and wisely, purchased and mailed to me last week: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (2014).

Those few words of this book I read yesterday lit my fire within.  Anger?  You betcha.  Why that response?  It calls comes back for me, again and again, to what is covered in this article by Dr. Martin Teicher:  +Dr. Teicher’s ARTICLE ON TRAUMA ALTERED DEVELOPMENT.

Conflict stimulates anger.  Anger, as that fighting response where a person reaches within for self-knowledge, such as it has been accumulated, can so easily be awakened when something just feels WRONG to us.  Injustice.  Anger is a healthy response to injustice.

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It has taken me nearly 24 hours to calm myself down enough to gain some other perspective about my reactions to my attempt to read this book.  I had high-in-the-sky-apple-pie hopes that in THIS book I was going to find the “quantum healing from trauma” that the author claims lies within its pages.

Does it?

Well, back to the math of this whole thing.  IF someone is in the upper crust of the top, I would say, 95% of the “troubled” population then, yes, there are incredible directions for healing trauma in the body – because, of course, that is where it resides.

IF, however, someone is like I am, a person afflicted by the worst kinds of attachment abusive trauma from the moment of my birth, a person who had no significant safe and secure attachment with any adult throughout the 18 years of my traumatic childhood, then – no – the book is missing its mark in helping me in the ways that the author intended that help to come across in his writing.

NOW this morning, having gotten my own jigger on my own line, I went fishing online and found MY version of how this whole problem – along with its “maybe” and mostly missing solution – is appearing and not appearing.  I went to this site:  World Wildlife Federation where I located the list of all the species on earth that are endangered and threatened with extinction at the “hands of humankind.”

Gee.  What a deal.  I feel better now.  I have my context, my perspective, my angle covered.  It is in this kind of dangerous world that people like me were formed so that we have the kind of Trauma Altered Development that Dr. Teicher’s article is beginning to describe.

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I have done a lot of background studying which has prepared me to approach a book like this new one by van der Kolk with a critical mind.  (I have not added to my main reference list since early 2009 when I began this blog (later research that crossed my path has been included directly in blog posts since that time), but CLICK HERE will provide a look at some of this background.  It might load slowly because it is one heck of a list.)

Critical.  What about those of us who were abused, neglected, hated, harmed, threatened, terrorized and terrified by even our mothers from the moment of our birth?  Where do we fit into the CDC ACE study pyramid?

At the bottom.  So far down at the bottom of “what went wrong” in our earliest critical months and years of development so as to NOT fit into any kind of overall discussion of how to heal trauma?  Just about.

I have written many posts for this blog in past years in which I have estimated the secure vs insecure attachment breakdowns.  Even at the VERY HIGH estimate that 65% of the population received “good enough” mothering, that leaves a vital breakdown of that insecurely attached 35% to be – what?  Let’s say in general that of this group 15% have an “avoidant organized insecure attachment pattern,” 15% of a “preoccupied” and the bottom 5% (where I reside) have what I refer to as a “disorganized disoriented insecure attachment pattern” built body brain.

That lowest 5% is basically missing from van der Kolk’s discussion.  Yesterday discovering this sent the anger ripples through me just like I experienced during so much of my earlier research.  Then I discovered Dr. Allan N. Schore and from there to my “final” answers in Dr. Teicher’s work.

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Before I write any more here I will mention to those readers who have The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma at their fingertips, these are the pages I read yesterday that I am referring to here today:  First I turned to the section on healing and my volcano erupted at pages 204-205;  they I went to the index and went back to read about attachment on pages 113 -115.  That was all I could stomach, all I could tolerate.  I attached my sticky notes in margins on those pages, closed the book, telephoned my dear friend who is on the “same page” I am in his life as a trauma-altered individual, and then I went within myself to examine my reactions.

In all fairness I will state that van der Kolk is right – right on down the lines of his writing – about trauma and its healing – as far as his thinking as it shows in his book is going.  It does NOT go far enough, I don’t believe, for those suffering the most from terribly abusive, neglectful traumatic early life experiences.

By late last evening I had calmed myself down by honoring my own reality enough to say that given what I so reacted to at first reading (and I will include those words here below), if “restore” and “restoration” is at all possible for me I can AT LEAST consider that I COULD be restored in my physiology to the point my development was in before I was born.  Most importantly I was NOT trauma altered during the first 9 months of my life in the womb.

From that realization — and I might say that it is primarily the in-built assumption in the concept of “resiliency” which suggests that attempts to heal are about going back to a pre-traumatized state AFTER A TRAUMA OCCURS – I understand that to apply these lines of thinking to myself is only possible if I go back to my womb-life as the “good” point for me.

Well….  At least I have THAT!

This morning I understand that a writer like van der Kolk is NOT going to specify every possible exception to what he is talking about regarding healing trauma.  He is not going to say, “Well, for the bottom 5% my “formula” is not going to work the way I am suggesting, and not for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder, etc.”

SO?  I will bold for emphasis in the passages from his book, pages 204-205, some of what I am talking about:

However, trauma is much more than a story about something that happened long ago.  The emotions and physical sensations that were imprinted during the trauma are experienced not as memories but as disruptive physical reactions in the present.

[Right here I would say that I consider these “physical sensations” to be BODY MEMORIES….  What van der Kolk writes is true – of course – he is the expert.  I recommend this book.  BUT, here comes the parts, and they appeared quickly in this section, that set me on fire….]

The fundamental issue in resolving traumatic stress is to restore the proper balance between the rational and emotional brains, so that you can feel in charge of how you respond and how you conduct your life.

[Those of us with Trauma Altered Development – again, see Dr. Teicher’s article above – have our trauma BUILT into our body.  It BUILT our body.  We do NOT have the kind of “ordinary” body that van der Kolk is referring to by default.]

Recovery from trauma involves the restoration of executive functioning and, with it, self-confidence and the capacity for playfulness and creativity.

[Same problems!!!  As Teicher describes, we do NOT have a brain (or nervous system, immune system, etc.) that was ever (unless, like in my case, we can go back to our womb development as being OK) NOT being poisoned by trauma to the extent that we are physiologically different from ordinary people who did NOT get “built in, by and for” a malevolent world.  Our body and our brain are different from what van der Kolk is describing.  So, what about US?  What about me?]

If we want to change posttraumatic reactions, we have to access the emotional brain and do “limbic system therapy”: repairing faulty alarm systems and restoring the emotional brain to its ordinary job of being a quiet background presence that takes care of the housekeeping of the body, ensuring that you eat, sleep, connect with intimate partners, protect your children, and defend against danger.

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In essence I do not, then, actually have POSTTRAUMATIC reactions.  I don’t have a POST to trauma because (except for the first 9 months of my existence in the womb) TRAUMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN PRESENT IN MY LIFE.  Even though I am fortunate to be living a life that does not include overt trauma I do not escape the “covert” impact of massive trauma because it is BUILT INTO MY BODY – permanently.

This “emotional” brain, this “limbic system” I have was permanently changed in its development by early horrific attachment-based severely abusive, psychotic-in-Mother, trauma.  I have no other kind of brain to “access” unless someone up there in the “upper 95%” wants to give or lend me theirs?

It is true that restoring the emotional brain to its ordinary job of being a quiet will not work for people like me.  Autistic people refer to those in that 95% as van der Kolk is addressing them as being “neurotypical people.”  I am not autistic but neither am I “neurotypical.”  People like me, those Dr. Teicher describes, are “something else.”  We are an “endangered species.”

So – now what?  I can wish all I want to that I did not “get drawn this way” so that I cannot RETURN, RESTORE, or “go back to” any state in my body-brain that is not under the influence of my Trauma Altered Development.  Knowing this I am perfectly free to try to diminish my inward “give me a fighting chance to heal in spite of how I am” solar flares so that I can learn what van der Kolk is suggesting for healing.

However, the warning to those like me is that when we read a book like this one is and do NOT know the rest of our story as I am describing it, we can end up being greatly harmed because we cannot seem to accomplish these wonderful levels of healing this author is suggesting are possible for EVERYONE in the same way and to the same extent.  We can feel terrible about our self and about our efforts because “we can’t get there from here.”

The “problem” is NOT in any way connected to our being inadequate students of “the master!”  My emotional brain was NEVER free to “be quiet.”  I was never even allowed to play.  What is being described as healing in this book is entirely foreign to me as if a life is being described on a planet completely alien to me.

I need to honor that fact and then find my own way to make the best-of-the-best use of whatever information this book contains that CAN help me – in spite of the trauma that that will never be erased from my body-brain as long as I am alive in this world.

I am not being nit-picky.  I am not being “resistant” or “belligerent.”  I am speaking about and for the “bottom 5%.”  We DO NOT give up but we DO become in-formed about the truths of our own life and then go from forward from there.  Nobody will clarify our reality for us!  We MUST trust our self every step of the way:  We are NOT the same as ordinary people.  For the most part we are unique beyond “ordinary” understanding.  We are a special kind of miracle.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Friday, April 17, 2015.  Not to be ignored!  Lady Gaga’s mother writes about what it was like raising such a special child as her daughter and about the suffering her girl experienced growing up at the mercy of the cruelty of her peers — and what they are both doing to help other youth now::

As with my daughter, too many of these young people were facing turmoil—at school, at home, or in their neighborhoods—that was impacting their emotional health and overall well-being. Again and again, we heard stories of depression, anxiety, and isolation hampering their ability to thrive personally and academically. Most worrying of all were the stories that included self-harm and suicide attempts.

“That’s why my daughter and I founded Born This Way Foundation. Grounded in the belief that the world can—and must—be a kinder and braver place, our organization is working to inspire young people to lead the best life possible and empower them with the tools they need to get there.”

Read more here!!

Raising Lady Gaga: Cynthia Germanotta on Why It’s Time for an Emotion Revolution

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Mission Statement:  “Born This Way Foundation is committed to supporting the wellness of young people, and empowering them to create a kinder and braver world.  We achieve this by shining a light on real people, quality research and authentic partnerships.”

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

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Leave a Comment »

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NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

+WHAT IF?

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Thursday, April 16, 2015.  For those of you who can access Facebook here is a video that will steal the heart.  It is of a tribe of elephants crossing a river with a little one who gets trapped in the current, unable to reach shore.  The tender concern of the adults for this small one’s distress motivates them to take ACTION to help it.  I don’t think I could ever tire of watching elephants if I had the chance!  They are an epitome of love!

I thought of my post yesterday about our primary survival emotions as we make our way through life:  +CIRCLES AND CYCLES OF OUR “CALM-STRESS” RESPONSE SYSTEM

The little elephant, was it feeling terrified?  The adults.  Did they feel that powerful “anger” energy as they rescued that baby?  Did they feel fear when more members of their tribe had to be called to assist?  Did they simply KNOW that help would come and all would be well?

Certainly when all is said and done, as they amble off, they appear to be most calm, most peaceful.

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I was reminded of something that happened the summer of 1969 just after I graduated from high school (I could not think of leaving home until I turned 18 the last day of that summer’s August).  Our family was living on our Alaskan mountain homestead.  I had gone into the town of Anchorage with my father.

As we returned home driving down the valley’s Jeep road through the long shadows of an Alaskan late evening, and came to the shallow small pond (really) homesteaders referred to as Mud Lake, we were stopped by a very newly born brilliant cinnamon moose calf standing alone on the road beside the edge of the water.  Just into the muddy and bloody lake itself lay the remains of its mother’s carcass.

Mud Lake seemed to be a favored dining spot for moose that lived on the other side of the river’s fork.  Often late in summer afternoons numbers of them would be standing around in murky water below their knees.  As cars approached they would raise their majestic heads, chewing some tasty weed they dredged from the muddy lake bottom, drooling water as their soft eyes gazed at humans as if we were the odd entrants to this valley that had always been their home.

And then there were the poachers.

And then there was this most gorgeous delicate creature who, as soon as Father stopped our Jeep, raced across the road in front of us as it tried to scramble up a very steep slope of the mountain that ran right down to Mud Lake.

Father, in that quiet matter-of-fact way of his, told me to get out to “watch” the baby while he drove as fast as he could (on that narrow, rutted primitive road) to the nearest homesteader’s house to get a rope.

I got out.

He drove off as he edged close to the lake shoulder side of the road around the calf as it scrambled and fell again and again to it small knees and skidded down through the loose gravel of that rocky hill.

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Watching this elephant video.  The dangers of river currents.  Adult animals with no way to grab a baby in its mouth, no way to pick it up in arms.  Illegally killed mother moose unable to do anything then for her baby.

And me.  Now, thinking about the post I wrote yesterday I can understand that PERHAPS if I had NOT MYSELF have been such an extremely traumatized person from the time I was born and for the next 18 years that I had no inward ability to FEEL ANGER and I had no ability to FIGHT for myself whatsoever — maybe I could have done the RIGHT thing.

If I had ever shown anger Mother could see, if I had EVER tried to fight her back, she would have killed me.  I knew that.  I have always known that.

BUT

WHAT IF?

Now, the way those mother moose crossed that powerful current of that glacial cold dark aqua river water was to step in with her baby stepping in at her side so the current pressed the little one against her flank as they safely crossed together.

That’s how it’s done for moose.

That’s the way it HAS to be done to protect the babies in the world, the same way this video shows how elephants have to help their young.

++

And there I was.  Victimized survivor beyond belief.  There was the baby and I know now I was POWERLESS to help it!  I was so FROZEN inside of myself!  I could not run and yell and wave my arms in the air to keep from happening what happened next.

The little wilderness creature, the most beautiful I have ever seen, finally skidded on its knees one last frantic panic time, turned toward Mud Lake and ran at full speed across the road, crashing around the lake’s marshy shore straight at – and into — the river.  I didn’t SEE the little one hit the water.  I HEARD it.

I didn’t SEE the little one drown.

But I have always known, all these 46 years since I stood helplessly (as I had ALWAYS been), that there was no possible way that baby survived that swim without the wisdom and help of its mother.

I don’t BLAME myself for the death of the calf.  But of course now I wonder if I could have kept it alive until Father returned with his rope if I had been able to ACT with that kind of ANGER power and energy I tried to describe in yesterday’s post.

As it was, Father made that trip to the neighbor’s for nothing.  But at least once he saw the calf was gone, understood immediately what that meant, turned the Jeep around and stopped for me to get back inside, he said nothing.

Nothing.

That, in my childhood, was the best I could hope for.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

+MINDING MINDFULNESS

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Thursday, April 16, 2015.  Are we to become mindfully mindful of mindfulness?  Take a look.  What do you think?

The Muddied Meaning of ‘Mindfulness,’ NYTimes.com

The New York Times takes a critical look at the definition and history of Mindfulness.

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Wednesday, April 15, 2015.  I have had many friends over many years of my adulthood who are of Indigenous ancestry.  Among most tribes, as far as I know, there are teachings based on what can most simply be called “The Medicine Wheel.”  Tribes vary on the words that might literally be attached to the four directions presented in these wheels (as with colors, stages of life, specific teachings, medicines, animals, etc.).

The words about the “core wheel” itself I am going to describe here are from a common Anishinabeg (Chippewa, Ojibwa) culture.  Along with those words I will next describe an alternative, additional way of thinking about so-called “negative” emotions that can be identified as being “survival-based” emotions connected to the operation of our “calm-stress” response system (and are therefor deeply physiologically based).

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I have no way to create a visual for what I wish to describe other than to attempt to do it with words.  (If you wish, just grab paper and pen/pencil and draw this out as you read along here.)  Envision a circle.  Draw quadrant lines top to bottom, side to side so that they cross at the center.

I will be listing words here in groups that begin at the far right of the circle and move, then, around the circle at each quadrant point.

  • EAST: element = air (mind) —  color = yellow – place of new birth and rebirth – ages 0  – 20
  • SOUTH: element = earth (spirit) – color = red – place of “doing the work” – ages 20 – 40
  • WEST: element = water (emotion) – color = black – place of “the cave” and introspection – ages 40 – 60
  • NORTH: element = fire (body) – color = white – place of healing – ages 60 – 80 (over age 80 lies in the quadrant area leaving the top point and moving toward the right = east)

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Now, as I think about the processes and emotions of the cycles of our life (for everyone at some time, in some way) I think about the

(a) uncountable times we have been “alerted” to changes within our environment that

(b) give us a version of a “startle response” as these things

(c) demand our immediate attention and assessment for safety or danger, and then

(d) send us either off to address/solve a “problem” or are

(e) no big deal so we have to do nothing and

(f) can return again to the center point of self = peaceful calm

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IF we have to do something we are put into MOTION!  On my calm-stress response” circle I added

  • ANGER at the EAST point. FIGHT RESPONSE.  Anger is itself simply a word that people identify with a particular emotion, but in my thinking I use it only as a symbol of power and energy that is extremely creative and full of potential.  With this power and energy I envision (in-vision) that we very quickly reach for the most immediately recognized solution to a problem in our environment we have to deal with that we can find.  We use first KNOWN solutions, KNOWN resources and if possible our OWN resources.  (simplified descriptions here)  The power of so-called “anger” used constructively and positively inspires determination, know-how and courage.   If a problem’s solution overwhelms our ability in this “anger” (generative), rather than move back to “center” we are forced by circumstances to move on to
  • FEAR at the SOUTH point. FLIGHT RESPONSE.  Fear again is a word, a symbol, that I am using to signify a realization in our process as I describe it here that WE ALONE are powerless to solve this problem and we MUST reach out (FLEE is as much TO something as it is AWAY from something) to others* for help as we search for alternative options.  THIS is part of the shared work of being alive!  It is when soaring solo is replaced by a realization that if we are going to fly at all we must “find a flock” to help us.  (This is also a state we can reach when our concern for the well-being of others (fear for others) leads us to understand that if we are going to help we cannot be effective alone.)  Fear, then, generates a kind of social interaction that involves something we may not have tried before and something more familiar to others.  If we CANNOT get help from anyone else at this point FEAR lets us know that we are directly missing a vital resource (and solution) that we need.  However the variables in this stage play themselves out, either we solve the problem and return to “center” or we move on to
  • SADNESS at the WEST point. HIDE RESPONSE.  Whether or not we reach this point alone or in the company of others who share this “state” what is needed is a discovery of something entirely NEW that can solve whatever problem we are engaged in ending.  This “cave” of inner exploration to find new solutions is like a womb, a matrix, a place of introspection and ingenuity!  I am not envisioning “only” a weepy sorrowful emotional state here.  I believe that it is HERE that our greatest discoveries can be made and amazing ideas can be found.  If we can solve our problem here back to “center” we go, if not?  We move on to
  • HOPELESSNESS at the NORTH point. FREEZE RESPONSE.  This state involves a kind of fire, I think, that is a kind of agony.  This point is one of purification and can be named by a feeling state of utter “hopelessness” in which a sense of being abandoned and completely alone can swallow us whole.  Or so it seems.  This point is often one of deepest humility which is a gift, I believe, that can come from “pure shame transformed.”  Humans are NOT superheroes.  We do not have “magical” powers.  There are times when the cycles of life seem to present us with no solutions.  No options.  No alternatives.  If so, here we are in a state of suspended animation, a state of limbo, a state of purification that I don’t think anyone WISHES for!  This can be the state where the only thing we know how to do is ENDURE.

Who cares enough to find the “lost and hidden” sad and hopeless people when so many of them have faced or are facing severe trauma that alone they cannot move past?  Who has the empathy, compassion and SKILLS to reach them and to help them?

How do we move out of this frozen “stuck” dead-end place?  I would rather be asking “How do we (and I mean mostly “we the people”) avoid – and help one another avoid – ever getting to this point at all?”  Something extraordinary has to happen for us to move on from here.  HEALING!

How that healing happens is a concern for everyone.  I do not believe we can do it alone.  This is the place of miracles.

Not to worry.  Such miracles are not rare!

NOTE:  *others – our “attachment village” – assistance when needed is always a part of safe and secure attachment

+

(And this thoughts include my concerns about early severe trauma survivors who have never known “peaceful calm” and cannot get back to that “center” because they were never given what they needed in the early years of their attachment development to get there in the first place.  Many such survivors can be trapped swirling around through these cycles without end for their entire lives.)

+

(This “in-visioning” I am writing today is different from a version of this process I posted a few months ago.)

Note:  This is a post that follows this one:  +WHAT IF?

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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Tuesday, April 14, 2015.  What follows in this post are my morning’s thoughts about attachment.

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Attachment occurs in a matrix, a creational/re-creational womb.

Attachment –

is at the core of human affairs and directs development and shapes responses

organizes relationships, all the way to the level of global civilization

is a form of intelligence commission and transmission

sets the patterns for interactions

is a living process and a process of living

literally enables and allows life to go on

shapes life

communicates the conditions of life

its patterns remember themselves within people from conception until death and communicate themselves down the generations

attachment has a language of its own

it shows itself through its patterns like everything else does that is a part of life

at each end of the continuum of human life attachment is life, un-attachment (detachment) is death (coherence/incoherence; generation/degeneration; movement toward order and complexity/toward disorder/lack of complexity)

in between, taken objectively, attachment talks to attachment

we are its carriers, its transmitters, expressers of the language of its signals

attachment is about resources (their availability/scarcity/accessibility) – it is about signals/communications about resource patterns.  without resources to sustain life there is death.

attachment is how life takes care of life as it prepares for its continuation (through time into the future)

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taken from this angle attachment is a resource management system capable of communication about its operations

ongoing generations of human beings are recipients of benefits from improvements to resource (their availability/scarcity/accessibility) management.  because attachment processes have no ulterior motives and exist to manage resources and to communicate those concerns, attachment will improve as resource management improves

“resiliency” cannot, therefore, be conceived of as being outside this life support and enhancement system

given that this view of attachment is simplified as if considering the very building blocks of life itself it is possible to suggest that in whatever direction we turn we will find the essential processes of attachment in operation.

because we are considering humans, the apex of creation as we know it, and because the apex of humanity is the solidified, conscious, socially responsible self, it will be the experience of this self (its formation, maintenance and expression) that will suffer most when depleted resource management damages attachment and it will benefit most when adequate resource management allows attachment to flourish.  The former = degrees of (both organized and disorganized) insecure attachment and the latter = increasing degrees of safe and secure attachment.

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In its essence I would call attachment love.  I would call this love spiritual.  I would say that a Creator we are incapable of comprehending loved creation into existence.

Attachment is the process of love in motion as it sustains existence in this world.  It is therefore fundamental and essential to life.  Because in this world humans have been given free will to make choices we can influence many attachment processes.

For this, in the next world, we will be held accountable.

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On a practical level when it comes to current attempts to “measure” adult attachment the following maxims as they are considered to be reflected within rational ‘cooperative discourse’, and have been incorporated into the rating structure of the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) used clinically and in research to assess adult attachment.

Grice’s Conversational Maxims

Maxim of Quantity:

  1. Make your contribution to the conversation as informative as necessary.
  2. Do not make your contribution to the conversation more informative than necessary.

Maxim of Quality:

  1. Do not say what you believe to be false.
    2. Do not say that for which you lack adequate evidence.

Maxim of Relevance:

Be relevant (i.e., say things related to the current topic of the conversation).

Maxim of Manner:

  1. Avoid obscurity of expression.
    2. Avoid ambiguity.
    3. Be brief (avoid unnecessary wordiness).
    4. Be orderly.

These maxims are mentioned in this post:

+NEEDY PEOPLE AND BUMPY CONVERSATIONS (GRICE’S MAXIMS, AGAIN!)

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Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

NOTE:  I am still stuck with this new version of the blog’s posting page that I do not like and cannot get out of.  It has refused to post or include my chosen tags:

adult attachment disordersadult reactive attachment disorderanxiety disorders,borderline motherborderline personality disorderbrain developmentchild abuse,depression,derealizationdisorganized disoriented insecure attachment disorder,dissociation,dissociative identity disorderempathyinfant abusePosttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),protective factorsPTSDresiliencyresiliency factorsrisk factorsshame

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