Before I head off to take one of my ‘power naps’ I want to drop some information over here on the blog from the book writing. I have my body well trained now to turn its current off as I turn myself off and instantly go to sleep. I have to do this when my thinking becomes too intense, when I need to deescalate the intensity of this work. I am, thankfully, very very good at flipping my ‘off’ switch now and disappearing into sleep. I don’t sleep long, usually about 20 minutes, but in that time I can refresh myself and wake up ready to take a different orientation to my work.
Why I never thought about what I just thought about before now is another one of those book-writing mysteries to me. All these various pieces have been floating around peripherally in my range of thinking for a long time. But there is something unique about this book writing that is allowing pieces of information to fit themselves together in patterns that are different than any I have recognized before.
(Dissociative Identity Disorder = DID)
Along the thoughts about what my mother did in relation to me being her all evil child and my next younger sister being her all good child it just hit me that ALL of my mother’s children were, in fact, her separate identities. The term ‘multiple personalities’ is no longer used, so I will have to think in terms of ‘multiple identities’.
True for a long time I have used the terms ‘projection’ and ‘splitting’ in my thoughts about the patterns in my mother’s so-disturbed mind. I have thought in terms of ‘gee she had no boundaries between herself and her children’ and in terms of ‘how amorphous her ever-shifting Borderlines were between herself and her children’.
What I am beginning to see today as I write is that none of these terms are specific enough or accurate enough to describe what my mother did in relation to her offspring. True, we were personification of her childhood baby dolls. True, her motives were assigned to us. True, we were included in a distorted ‘we’ and ‘us’ of my mother’s mind. But this is more than that.
We WERE SHE in her mind. She lacked the brain ability to differentiate between herself and her children. Yet we were more than the external mirrors of her Borderline mirroring mind upon which she ‘sent out’ onto us whatever she thought and felt. No, we in fact DID NOT EXIST as separate human beings from her, and because all six of us siblings were born into this madness, none of us from birth grew up knowing we were fully human.
This DID NOT just happen to me, though the effects of her focus on me of ALL she despised in herself and could not tolerate kept me as her devil’s child in a very ‘special’ place — equaled only by the ‘special’ place she put my sister in as God’s child.
So we were my mother’s altered personalities. We were her alters. We were she. Oh, ICK! ‘Projection’, ‘splitting’ and a ‘lack of boundaries’ does not begin to describe what THIS reality was like. I am not at all sure that ‘dissociation’ even begins to address what this reality was like. Well, no more thinking about this just now. Time to turn myself OFF and take a nap!