I just had a realization that stuns me. I didn’t plan WHAT I would experience as I drink nothing but strained green vegetable juice to alter my body pH to alkalyn so it can heal itself in areas that greatly trouble me. (See recent posts.) I live very near my bathroom, of course. I am hungry all of the time. But I am SO focused and SO determined to follow this through correctly.
This may take 7-21 days. I don’t know how I will know I am done. I am learning as I go to recognize what my body is telling me, especially about need for repeated daily doses of calcium, magnesium and potassium supplements. But there is far more than just physical processes involved here, unless I include in “physical” the person that I am living in this body.
I have recognized how food is such a comforter to me. I would reach out and consume all kinds of things if I could, and because I choose not to (can’t by the “rules” of this diet) I am left feeling exactly that hole inside of me that so desires to be comforted. Food, of course, NEVER does that. I don’t believe I am alone in my interactions with food that believes it can comfort me.
A few minutes ago I realized that in literal, physical ways I am remothering my infant, newborn self!!
Because my mother suffered a profound and permanent psychotic break during her labor with me that told her the devil had sent me to kill her (I was a breech birth), she hated me from BEFORE I was born for not being human, for belonging to the devil, for intending to murder my mother. Nothing ever got any better. (Mother suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder with psychosis.)
There are plenty of readers who come visit this blog whose mothers were profoundly abusive and NEVER gave for one INSTANT the kind of love, affection, care and comfort to them as infants. This is infant abuse.
Every part of my life was contaminated with the toxins of trauma through Mother’s hatred of me. Coming all the way down to my age now at 61, I realize that being limited to ONLY drinking strained green vegetable juice during this cleanse is like feeding infant me not milk, but the greenness of life itself.
I realized this as I prepared aloe juice for myself and set the timer for 15 minutes so I could go back for another 4 swallows. I realized that from here on out I need to keep a detailed record of which vegetables are in the juice, when I consume the juice, how much I drink, how fast I drink it, and what happens to me afterwards (you know, the diaper part). I need to maximize this whole process by gather information about myself in interaction with my pure “infant” diet.
I realized I am doing for myself in a very similar way exactly what I did for my 3 babies, what I would do for ANY baby! And in this cleanse I trust absolutely that toxins of all kinds are being found and removed from the INSIDE of ME. That’s what bodies are designed to do, and once the toxic waste dump that my body has become is all cleaned out, something new and wonderful is going to happen. I know it.
A body that is clean and fed correctly is designed to heal itself. I want to know what that feels like! (Timer went off! I will be back after my 4 swallows of fresh juiced aloe.)
I am confined to my home as much as I would be as a newborn. I had to plan my entire morning’s intact of fluids and juice to make sure I could run to the post office in the afternoon to mail an important package without exploding before I returned. I made it but barely.
What will I do with my time? I have less energy, which is to be expected, although I still walk at least 45 minutes in the morning before my first juice. I am learning to give myself permission to LAY BACK and to take it easy! Not easy for me. Not at all easy.
I sadly think of the children being born in our country who are (unless their mother polluted them while they were in her womb) perfectly pure at birth. Then, a floodgate of polluted “food” is forced into their mouths! This continues and continues until when we begin to choose our own food it is the COMFORT we are really after, the illusion of trust, feeling safe and loved.
I have posts on this blog – I don’t think I can find them now – where I wrote about the connection between community and food sharing. We are a social species. We are designed to be loved and to get along with one another. When we are at war with our children, when we are at war with ourselves, there is no comfort in our eating! When we choose horribly toxic food to consume, which is what 99.8% of the space in our grocery stores are full of, we are putting so much toxins into our acidified body that there is little hope we will reach our older age without suffering from some (surprise!) terrible illness.
Well, for now I will be my own GREEN BABY. I am doing this cleanse because I realized for the first time in my life I can feel it inside myself that I WANT TO LIVE. I CHOOSE LIFE!
I didn’t feel that at all 5 years ago through cancer treatments. What I felt was that I didn’t want to die. That is far from being the same thing as wanting to be here, to be alive, and to do so as healthily as I can manage.
I imagine there are schools of therapy that would “do” rebirthing processes with me. Certainly my birthing was HORRIBLE!! I don’t choose to go that way, it would not accomplish what needs to be done. I need to take serious measures to bring my own body back to life — no matter how difficult this process may be.
After this is all done I know I will never be able to return to the foods I have eaten all of my life. There is no magic. I won’t get away with it any longer. So be it. I am ready.
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