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I am thinking about credibility – how severe early neglect, abuse and trauma survivors are in many ways geared physiologically to appreciate the perspective of ‘their people’ who know first hand what I don’t think any non-survivor of early trauma can. I think we resonate with one another. We believe one another.
It is an honor to be believed. No matter how horrible my first 18 years of life were – and no matter the very real and very serious consequences I bear because of that abuse — having this honor is a great gift to me. Heck! Sometimes I even believe myself!
Seriously though – I find myself wanting to go back and add whole new thoughts to the post above that I just wrote awhile ago. I better not because people who have already read that post will not read what I add to it now!
I am thinking about depression and that kind of deep, deep sadness that brings the state of being where NOTHING new and positive seems possible.
I can believe myself about this. I have felt this sadness ALL OF MY LIFE, all the way back into my earliest infancy and childhood.
I think this is why my rather new discovery for myself that I CAN feel positive emotions and have a ‘good day’ AT THE SAME TIME my sadness (and related feelings) are running along inside of me at the same time.
There is power in this discovery for me. There is also a recognition of the reality of my existence.
Over and over again in my childhood my mother commented on how SLOW Linda was. I found references to this in her letters I transcribed after her death that were written to her mother.
I have had flashes of anger about this – but it doesn’t help me – knowing how sick my mother was – to ask questions like, “How could she do to me the terrible things that she did and expect me to NOT be sad – and hence slow?”
Often I find myself moving in what feels like slow motion – as if I am moving deep deep under water.
I always do MOVE, though. I always find something positive to do in one day even if nobody in the world will know what I did. Somehow finding some little positive solution to accomplish to something helps me to feel I am contributing something to the betterment of the world.
My garden is about this, too. Maybe only the butterflies and bees and hummingbirds benefit – but I know I am creating beauty and moving forward while I do this work.
If I could handle the hyper-stimulation that being around public creates in me I could find some volunteer work to do. I might have to be really creative to come up with something — but I am going to try.
Sometimes I donate books I’ve read to the public library, or food to the food bank, or school supplies to the school. I have very little money – but doing anything that might have a positive impact on the world, for others, helps me a lot.
This is part of contributing to the SOLUTIONS in the much bigger picture. Sometimes maybe we don’t see that we are making any real progress ‘on our own problems’ – ANYTHING we do in the direction of compassion, generosity, caring about the world in any way, HELPS!!
I believe myself when I say this! I really, really do.
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