I don’t like believing I need to censor my thoughts, nor do I like the process of doing so. At 60 years old I am wondering if it is purely a function of having reached my age that I would naturally HAVE more thoughts hence I simply have more to think ABOUT. If I have nobody to talk about my thoughts WITH – then a part of me is feeling that thoughts are by themselves absolutely useless.
How does censoring my thoughts affect my writing?
Why do I believe that sorting thoughts out between ‘good’ ones versus ‘bad’ ones is something I ‘should’ be doing? Should – a word I spent most of my 30s, 40s and 50s shunning because ‘back then’ I could clearly see that this word is tied to harsh judgment, criticism and shaming.
Why have I let this insidious word take such a hold of my mind?
What – Who – am I afraid of? What rejection do I anticipate ‘should’ I dare to drop all censorship and grant again complete freedom to my mind to think whatever I want and choose to?
Shame on me for thinking – what – about whom?
Do I only have the RIGHT to think about myself? Oh! Wait! That is self-centered! No! That is DEFINITELY not OK, thinking about myself!
So – think about NOTHING? What is attractive and desirous about thinking about NOTHING? Is that the same as not thinking AT ALL?
No, because I am again deeply and very actively involved in the tough physical labor required to complete another major yard project (building a goat pen) – I am allowing myself to ONLY think about what needs to be done physically one moment at a time.
Nothing else. If any ‘troubling’ thought appears I turn to some small words of prayer to make all other thoughts VANISH as if they never existed at all.
I just had another fantastic conversation via phone with my daughter who is soon turning 36. She knows me more comprehensively than anyone else on earth. God gave me this angel – such an incredible gift she is to EVERYONE – including me.
Now – I refuse to be a tail-spinning kite having recently been mishandled, aiming straight in a nosedive to crash on the earth.
My mind is ME, my mind is MINE – my mind is perfect no matter what I think about – and I have the right to think about anything I want to. No, this is not about being ‘right’. This is about being ME.
And I need to restore my blog to myself, as well. I need to remember very clearly that the ONLY negative comments I have ever received in response to anything I have written on this blog have ONLY come from……… (wait for it, wait for it, drum roll please….) people with Borderline Personality Disorder!
Admittedly this is the first time the BPD person has been a man, and yes, that fooled me – but I’ve got his number now! My best bet is, I am absolutely correct!
Not that it will matter to Person-of-Question – and I don’t care a twit! I am reaffirming myself, however, that as I look backward and scan ‘what’s been going on’ – I SAW all the signs – and ignored them.
Ignore no more – not even my own thoughts!
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