Below is an important reply I just wrote to a comment on my earlier post +IN THE WORDS OF A BORDERLINE CHILD: MY MOTHER’S STORIES that I don’t want to lose in the reply-comment shuffle. I’ve heard it said before that the solution to any problem lies in the problem itself. That certainly seems to be the case for the BPD mother-terribly suffering child story I am working my way through as my daughter and I write our book.
I can say that the story I will tell lies so far outside the range of ordinary or normal that I can only orient myself in myself and in that story by inventing what I call my own GPS to find my way around. Not all Borderline Personality Disorder people EVER come CLOSE to how deeply, deeply disturbed my mother was. The world I grew up in from birth and lived in for 18 years was an entirely different ‘place’ that existed in an entirely different ‘time’. Nobody including me could begin to comprehend my story unless I find the ‘grid’ as I call it that my mother’s universe was built on.
This grid was entirely Borderline. Not only that, as I work my way through my story I am discovering that my mother actually had a second Borderline condition within a Borderline condition. I lived inside a separate Borderline universe she created at the time of my birth. This reality was visited ONLY by her and by me because she forced me to live in there with no way out.
Everyone else lived in what I call her secondary outer-ring Borderline world. It is not enough I now realize for me to find and describe JUST this outer Borderline world where my mother, father, siblings, other family and every other public person my mother was in contact could ‘see’ my mother in.
Within these mirroring mirroring mirrors of Borderline worlds I KNOW absolutely that there IS an order to it all. There IS a grid. There are identifiable patterns. There IS a structure. There was an orientation within my mother’s realities no matter how confusing and disorienting her world appears to have been. If this were NOT true, I would not have survived — as odd as that might sound.
I was trapped in my mother’s innermost Borderline ‘psychotic’ universe. But that will ultimately be my point: There WAS an “I” in there. There WAS a “me” in there. I am finding my way to THAT person. That person and only that person knows as much as is humanly possible to know about what such an inner Borderline’s Borderline universe actually IS LIKE from the inside out.
As I evolve my own understandings within my own story I had to develop my own GPS to find my way around and it is working. I can ‘see’ the grid. I can describe the multiple points that created this Borderline matrix — this mirroring mirrored mirror of a ‘mental matrix’ that was the inner Borderline universe. It was a horrible place to be forced to live for 18 years, but I did live in there. I stayed alive and I did not lose myself. It was a different experience, so different from normal that even finding language in words to describe it is more than a challenge — it is a work of art in progress.
Here’s a clue — that is SUPPOSED to be developing in the book: If you read my mother’s stories and watch what happens with MOTHER in them, all the way to the end — you can see the progression of her illness.
Not the ‘Hallmark card’ version of mother, but the powerful accurate NATURAL and REAL mother — physiological, evolutionarily designed, biological process of being a mother and of MOTHERING — critical for our species (as for all mammals but not as complex as human)
MOTHER is a matrix. matrix — something within or from which something else originates, develops, or takes form related in its word origins to: Latin, female animal used for breeding, parent plant, from matr-, mater
Cognition — the process of thinking — cognition is also a female word, a female process word, a mothering word
Mothers and mothering build the foundation for cognition at the same time the matrix of the mother and mothering relationship from the womb onward through the earliest stages of development is building within offspring THEIR OWN MATRIX of self that is supposed to be healthy in all ways
My mother – follow the MOTHER patterns in her stories — she is NOT simply talking about her mother who failed her, but also the ‘matrix-mother’ of self with brain-mind-thoughts of her own THAT IS MISSING IN HER END STORY as much as her outer mother is missing
it is no coincidence that BPD is mostly a woman’s disorder — there is a definite connection between the missing-matrix-of-mother-mothering for every BPD from early childhood and the END RESULT of the missing-mother-matrix INSIDE OF THEIR OWN SELF that BPD creates in the changed-brain-mind of a BPD sufferer
I know this is probably adding confusion to confusion, but it’s important to think about. What our mothers give us is for better or worse our own brain-mind-self matrix that is the mother of our thoughts, our feelings, etc for the rest of our life.
A MATRIX disorder would be an excellent way to describe my mother — and in the book I will show how that is true
my mother’s stories provide for an inside look at the matrix-mind of my mother — until it dissolved as certainly as the end of her last story describes. after that she was ‘lost in the mirroring mirrors’ of split-off and projected matrixes within which she trapped and tortured me.