Feeds:
Posts
Comments

++++

Friday, December 19, 2014.  I would like to mention and recommend an excellent blog on healing from trauma that my dear friend told me about today.  I subscribed and look forward to receiving notifications of postings.  Please take a look!

Trauma’s Labyrinth by Dr. Laura K. Kerr.

This was the blog article I read today on my first visit to Dr. Kerr’s pages:  WANT TO REDUCE MENTAL ILLNESS? ADDRESS TRAUMA. WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD? ADDRESS TRAUMA.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

And….

This is one of my favorite facebook videos!  My idea of LOVE!

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+LIGHT AND DARKNESS

++++

Friday, December 19, 2014.  I am greatly involved as I care for my 28-month-old grandson during weekdays with teaching him how to talk.  I don’t stop there.  I am also concurrently teaching him about thinking and thoughts.  Because language is a new acquisition for him, and because he is moving into the stage where he will be able to speak words related to virtually every thought he has, instructing him to notice thoughts and to name them as such seems important to me.

He really has no choice but to listen to me.

Yesterday, for instance, he began to talk about Mommy.  I noted to him that he was at that moment thinking about her.  I watched the expression on his face.  I could see him thinking.  Next he said to me, “Mommy in my head.”  I explained to him that Mommy can’t fit inside his head but his THOUGHTS about his Mommy can!

It just makes sense to me at my stage of learning in life to teach this little person to be aware of his thinking process at the beginning of their existence for him.  He may not literally remember what I am teaching him now, but I believe in some ways what he “gets” now about consciousness will rest as a foundation within him for the rest of his life.

I believe it is very important for all of us to know what we know.  Being able to NOTICE what we are in the process of knowing is an exercise in awareness.  Being able to know something about how our thoughts form in interaction with the life we are in the process of living includes gaining comprehension about how we are interacting with other people along with how we are affecting them — and how they are affecting us.

Oh, that life could remain as simply clear as it is for someone this young.

++

During the current phase of my own life I try to be consciously aware enough of my thoughts to immediately discard most of them.

Yet there are also times when words appear to me that hang around and don’t let go of me.  Dare I explore such words?  This morning the phrase “dark night of the soul” seems, against my wishes, to label my new day.  What is my own “spiritual crisis” at this time of my life?  I certainly cannot deny that I am having one.  Not wishing to acknowledge or admit this fact just won’t help me move through it, learn anything from or about it, or (is it possible?) not repeat whatever steps I took to get “here” in the first place!

I am fairly certain that I will go with one of my daughters tomorrow night to see the new movie, Interstellar that my dear friend is so highly recommending to me.  I am a little intimidated by how long it is – three hours!?  Yet I am curious, also: Will this movie somehow trigger a positive turn-around for me so that I can jump into some sort of warp speed of my own that will let me alter this dark-soul-night trajectory I seem to be on?

Of course we are at the days of the Winter Solstice, and having moved back up to Fargo, North Dakota from the Mexico-Arizona border a year ago fall has put not only short days of light and very long nights, but also nearly continually gray skies and NO direct sun into my tiny apartment near the top of my list of “what is not good for Linda.”  (Bed bug infestation is naturally at the very top of my list right now.  They are very much still here infiltrating and contaminating my earthly existence.)

So I guess I could congratulate myself and applaud my choice of season to actually HAVE one of the “dark nights of the soul” in.  My timing is evidently perfect.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+STRANGE WAYS OF LIFE

++++

Thursday, December 18, 2014.  I swear, Little Miss Muffet has NOTHING on me!  I was peacefully sitting at my laptop reading an email from my Arizona piano teacher who just had heart surgery (one of the top 2 sweetest men I have ever met in my life) and along RAN a NASTY LARGE BED BUG aiming straight at me with all the power of natural intent.  I have SPRAYED the boards of that plant stand next to my computer several times!  I was not going to be able to follow this critter’s life span to see if EVENTUALLY it would die from spray on its legs.  SO SMASH!!!!!

I am SO not a happy camper!

It would cost one half of my monthly income to bring a professional exterminator in here.  I spoke with the woman at HUD this week who handles my rental assistance voucher, explained my situation and was told (A) HUD has nothing at all to do with these kinds of landlord-tenant concerns, and (B) that I MUST get free legal assistance BEFORE I EVER speak to the management of this apartment complex about this bug infestation.

Yes, I do continue to find dead bugs hanging around in here.  But my concern is, “How many bugs are in here among the UNDEAD?”

NOT a happy camper!

++

This mess is teaching me some things, though.  (1) People who HAVE had bed bugs in their own house show me both empathy (based on experiences of their own) AND compassion for this terrible mess.  (2) People who have NOT had bed bugs show me compassion AND their own terror of getting these bugs in their own home, but I do NOT detect empathy from these people.  (Yes, I am among the contaminated, contagious and very nearly completely quarantined!!)

I am not a “native” from a “country” filled with either compassionate or empathetic people.  I have been trying, consciously, for YEARS to understand what these two critically important conditions of humanity actually are.  It is hard for me to detect them.  It is hard for me to differentiate between them.

This whole situation makes me feel pretty darn desperate — in survival mode — and this is SO not good for me!  No, this isn’t life and/or death – exactly.  But my peace of mind, what little bit of it I have been able to create and salvage in this strange life of mine, is GONE!

So, back to my “logical” mind for a tiny bit of sanctuary as I seek to understand at least SOMETHING that might be useful to me.

(A)  One of my daughters and her husband picked up bed bugs in a motel 10 years ago while visiting Arizona and brought them home.  The bugs were confined to their bedroom.  A professional extermination ended the problem although my incredibly bug phobic daughter had to be “bed bug bait” in her bed for 3 weeks to lure the newly-hatched into poison zone.  (Her husband was evidently not found to be suitable for bed bug cuisine.)

My daughter has BOTH empathy (from personal experience) and great compassion.  She is also very concerned that her little son who I care for days will bring them home to her house.  I keep the little one’s coat and hat in my refrigerator from the instant he arrives until he leaves her.  They strip the little one as soon as they get him home again.  Of course she is among the fearful of another bout with bed bugs!

(B)  My friend who is coming to take “the baby” and me out to run around town on our weekly visit does not come in the house.  She has COMPASSION but I am not sure whether or not she has EMPATHY for me in this situation.

(C) The HUD lady was kind in her words (that is her job) but she told me she would not stay in own home for one SECOND if she knew those bugs were in there.  She told me she would “pay whatever it cost” to get rid of them.  Well……  She is not in poverty…….

++

What else do I know?  I will be back to finish this post after my outing visit with my friend.  All I know is that this is CREEPY and highly stressful/distressful to me.  I was sitting at my keyboard practicing the other night when there came a BED BUG on its RACE to get to me for its dinner — running as fast as it could on the edge of the stand my keyboard sits upon.  My relaxation ENDED that abruptly until bug was smashed and I sprayed yet more poison on that stand.

I have to be vigilant, HYPER vigilant at all times in here!  Yet my enemy is MOSTLY completely hidden and invisible.  Not unlike the abusive trauma and its continual threat from Mad Mother throughout my 18-year childhood!

But the protection of the young – the ability to not be constantly aware of threat and danger – is not with me now, although I HAVE to sleep!!  Darn it anyway!

Of course as a child there was NOTHING I could do to end my abuse.  Now there has to be something I can do to end this awful situation I have going on around me now.

++

All I can say now is — please see next post.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

++++

Monday, December 15, 2014.  I think I could have entitled this post “FINDING AN ATTACHMENT VILLAGE” but I think the dream I woke from and remembered some parts of early this morning holds some deeper reverberations for me personally.  In my younger adult years when my brain worked more clearly as it could determine specific categories for my thoughts and concerns I would be able — and, I suppose, willing — to look for these specifics among the small parts of my dream that I remember.

I rarely remember ANYTHING about my dreams any more, a loss that began for me just prior to my parimenopausal years.  I don’t know that my physiological transition out of my childbearing years was actually linked to the changes in my dreaming and remembering patterns, but it seems to be true for me.  All I have been able to really determine about my current (age 63) patterns is that I seem to always be very busy and very productively involved with things that matter in my dreams.  Sometimes I think that if I did remember most of what goes on “beyond the veil of waking” I would simply be SO TIRED that what I must do in THIS world would be interfered with.

So…  This dream….

I remember being alone and searching for something I can’t quite name.  I found my way through an old wooden door into the back of an equally worn vertically-set wood plank shed with a steel roof.  The out-of-doors was only slightly barred from entering the sanctuary of this shelter, which I realized upon entering was actually very, very extensive.

I only went in far enough to lay down upon the dry grass upon the earth.  I was feeling sad and not surprisingly to me, very tired.  A kind of weariness that comes from carrying an immense burden for a long, long time.  The kind of burden that constantly threatens a person to topple over onto one’s knees without the ability to rise again.

As I lay upon the warm earth in the quite quasi darkness I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of liquid pour out of every pore of my skin.  It felt warm like salty tears, warm like living blood leaving me.  My only concern was to keep the papers (my writings?) I held in each hand high enough in the air that they would not get wet during this process — whatever it was.

++

Eventually I was able to return to my feet.  I gazed around me at the collection of material things that I knew were very important to someone.  There was an automobile mostly covered with an old dust shrouded tarp.  Old wooden low shelves filled to their edges.  I was careful not to touch anything as I backed out through the door I had entered.

I remember this part of the dream clearly because as I came into the sunshine I woke up, rose to see what time it was (2:30 am) and then went back to sleep.

I think it has been rare for me during my lifetime to return to a dream once I have been awakened from it, but I did so with this one.  Next I remember The People.  Lots of people gathered at the front of this huge (mostly) enclosed place.  It was a village.  People radiated simple kindness.

One man among a group welcomed me, but he also posed a question.  “What are you doing here among us,” he asked me.  His gaze held my eyes as he paused.  I could see that he was searching for the kindest way to express his thoughts.  Finally he continued, “You are so…..PRETTY!”

++

I knew what was not spoken while I was dreaming.  I know it even more as I go about my day.

What obviously separated ME from all those gentle people was the fact that I was not a dark-skinned person.  I was, and am, white.

++

These people did not have a home in this world the way that I, as an American, would name it.  Yet these people had created for themselves and for one another a most glorious home that was physically created of nothing but cast off and worn out materials that they had found new use for.

These people showed no sorrow, showed no fear and certainly showed nothing but puzzlement at meeting me there.  How had I found my way to “their place” in the world?  I knew these people had suffered greatly in their lives from trauma, trials and from tribulations.   There was a kind of pride among these people of a very good sort.  Suffering had translated for them into the greatest honor.

These people shared a collective dignity and nobility among them that felt like a kind of envelope encasing everyone and everything I saw in the dream, myself included.  How can I describe this?  Like finding like and if the “like” had not been there in and with me I sense I would have never found my way to that place.

++

Certainly there are plenty of non-brown-skin people on this planet that have and do suffer greatly.  But I also know that by far the preponderance of terrible suffering (by actual count) happens among those who would not consider themselves to be among the white-skinned people.  (List of world’s wealthiest countries HERE)

As I write this next point in this post I know that I am working with conscious thought more than I am with information from the deeper reaches of who I am and what I know.  I simply suspect that because of the profound suffering I experienced during the first 18 years of my life I accumulated a kind of honor that will probably never leave me in this lifetime.  I recognize the great value of this honor, even as it let me find and be so warmly recognized by The People in my dream.  I find — though my rational mind wants to scream at me, “NO!  This is NOT true!” — that there HAS to be value in the suffering I experienced and still do experience that has allowed me to retain this kind of honor that I believe everyone is born with.

I also have a sense that it would primarily be true that people like those in my dream were would be the ones I would share most in common with AND feel most at home with.  We are resilient.  We are humble.  We are resourceful.  We share and love with greatest kindness.

I think there is something connecting my “bleeding, crying, letting the burden sink into the earth” part of my dream that enabled me to later return in the dream to the front area of this huge shelter where I was able to meet The People.

I think we can become clear about how our suffering is NOT who we are even though the pain of our experiences has given us powerful and very real gifts.  In part maybe I am reverberating from the topic of my post yesterday.  I do believe a soul is at risk of “leaving the body behind on this earth” when that soul has reached a point where the burden upon it has become more than it can bear.

I believe connecting with those who are members of  our “attachment village,” OUR people, is among the most powerful preventive factor that can keep us from reaching the overwhelmed state.

Yet for myself, in this dream, it was my lying on the earth that let so much of my burden first leave me.  This happened for me BEFORE I was able to connect with The People.  Yet I also know with both my rational and my “other” kinds of knowing that every single one of the people I met in my dream had also experienced great healing through very similar ways.

We CANNOT be separated from the earth as long as we live with our body in this lifetime.  The earth gives us every single thing we need in order to live — even one another.  But for me, because forced isolation and solitary confinement was such a HUGE part of the abuse I suffered, it was being able to experience such close connection with other human beings that gave me such a lovely — and necessary — sense of “sanctuary” as a human being in this dream.

I have long been bonded to the earth, but I greatly struggle with any sense of being bonded with and connected to human beings.  I think this dream was an important step in helping me understand that even though I might not have these feelings around most of the people I actually meet, that does not mean that I am not CAPABLE of forming these attachment connections.

In fact, in the world of my dreams, I have now been shown that those connections already exist.

I am NOT alone.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

++++

Sunday, December 14, 2014.  The weather is so drab, gray and damp, but fortunately much warmer than usual.  I had to set off 6 bed bug bombs in this small apartment yesterday and I sprayed again, as well.  Then I vacated and spent the night at my daughter’s.  I took care of my two young grandsons so my daughter and her hubby could go out on a date.  This morning I am back here again trying to make some kind of sense of the horrific tangled disarrangement this bug battle is causing in my life.

No, it’s not the end of the world to have these awful pests visiting me.  I am cleaning and cleaning, sorting and throwing, hoping in my frantic efforts SOMETHING I do helps these critters DIE.  Just DIE!  Nobody on earth needs this crazy bunch of bugs to show up anywhere else.

So….  That’s an ongoing misery-creating process.  But this is not what brought me to my computer to write this post.

++

Firstly I will include this link to a December 2009 post I wrote on a topic that I doubt I will ever write about again directly:

+CONSUMERS BEWARE OF TRAUMA TRIGGERS LURKING IN ‘HOLIDAY SEASON MAGIC’

++

Next I will say that I have no idea if my daughter and her husband’s very good friend’s 29-year-old brother’s suicide last week was in any way connected to the holidays.  This young man had attempted suicide two years ago, received “help” and everyone who knew him seemed to have believed that he was alright.

It is the ALRIGHT that I am thinking about here.

Who really knew?

Evidently nobody in his life from what my daughter is finding out in conversations with her friend and his family.

++

There does not seem to have been addiction, abuse or overt trauma in the family, my daughter says.  However, there IS depression among many family members.  Yes, many factors influence both depression and suicide.  But this is not even what I want to write about today.

++

I want to write about LISTENING to people — those we care about as well as strangers.  What is LISTENING?

LISTEN

transitive verb

1: to pay attention to someone or something in order to hear what is being said, sung, played, etc. —used to tell a person to listen to what you are saying

2:  to hear what someone has said and understand that it is serious, important, or true

intransitive verb

1:  to pay attention to sound <listen to music>
2:  to hear something with thoughtful attention :  give consideration <listen to a plea>
3:  to be alert to catch an expected sound <listen for his step>

++

I cannot say that this young man wasn’t listened to or heard.  I just have a very strong sense that he was not able to speak his truth, not allowed to speak it, because nobody wanted to hear what he had to say.

Oh, this would be SUCH a tragedy if true!

I have mentioned in earlier posts that this North Dakota area is, to me, an extremely unhealthy and unnatural emotional landscape.  People insist on NEVER showing an emotion, talking about an emotion or even knowing that they or anyone else ever HAS an emotion.  I HATE this about this region, which feels “dead” to me or at least “non-living” in so many ways.  Yet I will never know if this emotional-void local culture affected this young man the way I imagine it may have.

His medication was being changed.  To me this is a very high-risk action for anyone to go through alone — and for the many who do need to be hospitalized.  If there were no direct warning signs that suicide was a choice made or about to be made, nobody could have done anything to prevent it.

My point simply is that we must LISTEN to people talk about feelings and states of mind that are less than “positive” if we want to hear the reality of that person.  If all anyone wants to hear is the up-beat “Gee things are going so great for me” kind of language a stage is set where nothing that NEEDS to be said WILL be said.

In other words, people can feel completely unsafe even with those who love them to show their more complicated self in any way.  I think people can make choices to listen in better ways.  Why is it so tempting to be so afraid of people’s descriptions about their less than “perfect” experiences in and with life?  Why do we shut one another off and shut one another up when something “unhappy” might appear in a conversation?

++

If interested, readers can do an online search for the terms “deep brain magnetic stimulation” which will bring up pages about a treatment for depression that can be highly effective.  I have a friend whose partner suffered for many years with severe medication-resistant depression who was treated with this method during its experimental stages and is FINE now!  A true miracle.

Another informative online search term combination is this one:  “link between genes depression suicide.”

++

I am especially encouraging people to open their minds, hearts and EARS during this holiday season to allow for people who ARE struggling at this time of year (at ANY time of year!) can feel encouraged to speak the truth about how they are feeling.  Listening, truly LISTENING to one another is one of the greatest gifts humans have been given to use to share our experiences of life.  This is not one HALF of a gift so that we choose to listen only to “the positive” and shun and shame people for speaking about anything other than what we might judge as negative.

Give me a break!  Give one another a break!  I completely understand why people who NEED to speak do NOT speak.  We have an instinctive ability to know when it is safe or not safe to expose our inner “vulnerabilities” with other people.  We know in our gut, in our body — when speaking our truth will be negatively received in such a way that we then become PREY to someone else who — quite frankly — is acting like they are somehow better than we are.

I am NOT judging this family my daughter knows.  I don’t even know them!  I am writing from an inward place of resonance with deep and seemingly unbounded despair.  I told my daughter bluntly last evening that if I did not have children I do not believe I would still be on this planet.

I don’t know that, of course.  I have been a mother all of my adult life.  I also recognize that BEING a mother is a great gift to me because it HAS enabled me to — stay here — especially at times when I hurt so much I did not believe I could take another breath or survive another second.

This is not a chipper kind of post!!  It is a testament to exactly what I am trying to convey.  There are UPS in life and there are DOWNS — because life is an ongoing, creative, organic process we FEEL our way through, whether or not we have words for our feelings or not.  Whether or not anyone will truly listen to us when we most need to be heard.

Don’t give up!  Yes, if at all possible do not give up!  But also do not wait too long until it is too late to encourage EVERYONE in your life, especially those you care about, to feel COMPLETELY and absolutely safe in sharing anything of their truest, deepest feelings with you when they want and need to.

We need to be truly heard and we need to truly hear.  This is one of the most powerful antidotes to feeling completely isolated an all, all alone.

But even then, there are people who will choose to leave this world earlier than seems best.  There are part of ourselves and certainly depths to others that we will never know.  There are mysteries.  And suffering beyond the point of ability to bear it can also be very, very real.

I am just suggesting that perhaps nobody can really know if they did all they could have done to help someone avoid that precipice of suicide if they cannot truly say they were willing to listen and truly hear what that other person NEEDED to share with them.

While we cannot make someone talk to us we can make ourselves able to listen and to hear.

++

Comments are welcome on this blog.  Please consider changing your name to something that is not identifiable to others if that might make you feel safer to speak.  I can only respond directly to comments I publish/post (you do need to watch for and put a check mark in the little box that lets you receive follow-up replies).   Thank you for reading and please have a safe holiday season and find SOMEONE you can talk to and be open to finding someone who needs you to listen to them.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+TOUGH AND TENDER

++++

Monday, December 8, 2014.  I can’t quite figure out when it might be at all appropriate to say to most people, “I AM SO PROUD OF YOU THAT YOU ARE ALIVE!!!

In defining my terms, and therefore the terms of this blog, I am saying that “most people” includes all of those who received what they needed during their earliest years of life (“good enough” caregiving) to become safe and securely attached people.  That would be about 55% of our population.

Coming down the pike, then, there are among the remaining 45% of people who have some degree and version of an insecure attachment disorder — let’s say — about 20% of THIS group a bunch with an “avoidant” insecure attachment disorder.  Those people fit into a society pretty nicely that has no real clue of the value of emotions in the first place.

Now, coming down further into the insecurely attached group, there would be another perhaps 15% that have an “ambivalent” insecure attachment disorder and then — down here where I reside, a remaining approximate 15% who received a very harsh and inadequate, often very abusive, neglectful and traumatic early beginning that left this group with a combination of “disorganized-disoriented” and “reactive” insecure attachment disorders.

OK.  Within this breakdown I am saying that only this bottom 15%, really, are the ones that are NOT among the “most people” group.  It is to these people (myself included) that it is VERY appropriate to affirm the fact that it is only through our MAJOR efforts to find our footing along the extremely treacherous and dangerous path of the early years of our life that has kept us alive — and “YAY US!!”

++

Seems likely to me that the amount of focused effort and energy it has taken us to survive is effort and energy — along with corresponding resources — that “most people” get to spend on making themselves a pretty good life.  This is NOT a post about self-pity.  It is a post about the practical matters of life as a survivor.  It is about being a person with — MORE.

Again, if readers do an online search for “CDC ACE study” all of those articles that will appear in connection with these research findings affirm what I am saying.  Something happens when people have to fight against terrible odds to survive from the very start of life.  True, billions of people are suffering on this planet in ways I cannot begin to imagine — but the truth is, trauma is trauma and because we are all of the human species the same kinds of consequences that take over the bulk of living for people traumatized severely in the earliest years of life is mostly the same.

AND always the major factor mitigating the effects of early trauma is the availability of safe and secure attachment.  Attachment.

++

There is something a bit different in my thoughts as I write this post than there has been in the many hundreds of posts I have already written about the consequences of early trauma.  Again I am also mentioned this article my Dr. Martin Teicher and his researchers:  The neurobiological consequences of early stress and childhood maltreatment.

BUT today for the first time that I know of I am rethinking how I place early traumatic stress survivors on the so-called rungs of the evolutionary ladder.

Always before now I have figured that the kinds of physiological changes this article describes put survivors of malevolent early traumatic childhoods at some BACKWARD state of evolutionary adaptation.  Maybe that is NOT what the kinds of changes that happen to us are all about!

Maybe we are evolutionarily ADVANCED because of what we have endured and survived.  Maybe the mismatch that Teicher describes (I know, the article is complicated but read through it and especially attend to its final paragraphs) between those who had no choice but to adapt in their physiological development to a malevolent world and the more benevolent world we found ourselves living in when we got out of our home of origin is a mismatch of a different kind than the one I have imagined before now.

True, many survivors find their way into abusive relationships, environments of deprived violence and into the clutches of all kinds of addictions — but this is NOT what I am talking about.

I am talking about WHO we are in combination with HOW we are in our trauma-altered body.

Maybe we are designed to “hatch” into a FAR FAR more advanced world than this one is.  Benevolent?  There is a whole lot about current culture and society in America that is NOT benevolent or benign, or even just, wise, fair or even kind.

Maybe we are not the ones that can be fooled.

Maybe we have extremely high standards, ones we have earned the right to know about.

Maybe we know that these standards are missing from this “more benign” world we are now in.  Life is relative.  Just because, for many of us, the worst of the horrors of our early years are not present in our adult lives does not mean, by default, that this world is THAT much better.  THIS world certainly never gave a damn about terribly-abused-child-me.  So much for being a benevolent world out here.  Not all that much has changed, all things considered.

I think most of us live with a close connection to innate, instinctive, ancient wisdom.  We cannot be easily fooled.  We don’t play games.  We see through things “most people” take for granted as being true.  Maybe this world WE live in, as different as it can seem to be from the world of “most people,” is a BETTER inner world than we realize.

We have heightened compassion, extra attentiveness to the REAL conditions of others no matter how they may try to mask their truth from self and from those around them.  We are often extremely sensitive.  SUPER sensitive.  I don’t care about the “survival” theories about how we came to be this way.

I am thinking about the way we are!!  We don’t take life for granted.  We have depths in our hearts that are so wide open that many people cannot comprehend us.  Maybe we KNOW how the world could be a different, BETTER world if “most people” knew what we know.

We are not oblivious.  We are not shallow, trivial or trite.  Our endurance and our strength and our patience has been tested.  Life has found us worthy to still be here.  We don’t need to ever take THAT for granted.  We were not formed in ease.  We were formed in great, great hardship and difficulty.  Most of us, I’ll bet, do not have easy lives even now.  We have the extra struggles.  But we are still here to have them!

Yes, here we still are.  That didn’t “just” happen.  It happened because we MADE it happen.  True there have been miracles along the way that helped us.  But WE let them.

We had to AGREE to still be here.  We are tough and we are tender — in all the right ways.  We know what sacrifice IS.

There is nothing weak or flawed about us.  We are HIGH QUALITY, and we know it if we are honest with ourselves.  But we also have a rare kind of humility.  Arrogance is not our nature.  We crave peace.  We know its absence.  We are watchers.  We are loyal.  Our integrity demands that we say what we mean and mean what we say.

I believe that if we are honest with ourselves we know we are leaders, not followers.  I say, “GOOD FOR US!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »
++++

++++

Monday, December 8, 2014.  This may sound redundant, but we are in a life where life matters.  Life as it exists in this lifetime is fundamentally a biological matter.  This IS a physical reality.  True, I don’t believe humans exist here without their soul being present with them.  If the soul leaves the body dies.  Or, if you prefer, if the body dies the soul leaves.  But either way, as far as humans are concerned, the soul which is CONNECTED to our body is not actually IN our body.  Soul has nothing to do with egress or regress.  Soul is not a physical THING.

So here we are hanging in, hanging around — souls in the womb of this earthly life doing whatever development here we can manage to do in order to build up our spiritual abilities to carry with us into the next life, the one that never ends.  (Believe it or not.)

Meanwhile, because we are physical beings here we are connected to everyone and everything here.  I am RELATED — whether I like to admit the fact or not — even to bed bugs!

Those little very clever, tenacious, resilient-adaptive critters.  They are not liked one bit by humans!

BUT – because goodness is really the only reality — everything here contains within it an ability to reflect from a “spiritual mirror” placed within it some aspect of the divine goodness, a ray of the light shining from the “sun” of the One Who created all — there is certainly something good shining back to me not only from the existence of bed bugs themselves but also from this experience I am going through because they have invaded my life.  And what an experience it is.

++

I can do nothing at the time but give a progress report on this elimination process I have been engaged in since I discovered these critters in my tiny apartment about a week ago.  I can’t SEE the bugs so I have no idea if anything I am doing is actually effective.  I started Friday evening setting off chemical bug bombs after dragging much of what I own out and around in order to maximize the coating of bug poison in this environment.

I am spending lots of money running fabric stuff through the apartment building’s dryer — which of course is set too low by management so that we have to all spend twice too much to get things hot and dry.

Then stuff is going in and out of all kinds of bags.  Sealed.  Unsealed.  Coverings on the recliner.  On and off.  Shaking things.  Drying the rag rugs.  Bagging the rag rugs.

WHATEVER!  Big WHATEVER!!!

Then Saturday I bombed again and sprayed with Hot Shot products from Home Depot.  I did make enough progress in my thinking to realize that probably billions of our human species living in dire conditions must live continually with these pests with no other option.  Up in the morning.  Find the bugs, sweep them up, dump them out for the chickens.  If any of these people are fortunate enough to have chickens, which I am sure billions are not.

Perspective.  Yet I still feel 3rd world in a 1st world society.  But EVERYONE is susceptible to these bugs.

On a spiritual level?  These bugs are known as “The Travelers.”  Hey!  I can relate to that!

They are known as resilient survivors.  Hey!  Yeah, that’s me.

Take, for example, the fact that a zero degree F temperature will kill them.  Freeze their sorry brown (or invisible tiny newly hatched) butts DEAD.  BUT!!  That temperature has to hit them INSTANTLY!  If they are embedded (!) within items that mean the core temp of the stuff takes a while to hit zero, the bugs will resiliently ADAPT as the temp goes down so that it will then take another 20 degrees COLDER temperature to kill them!

Well, if LIFE is something the Creator values, which is true, then a tenacious ability to survive it, endure and even to thrive is a very good thing!  That’s why we severe trauma survivors are still here.  Our physiology was able to adapt in our earliest developmental stages to horrible conditions of our environment so that we would be able to stay right here!

++

At least I no longer believe these visitors, these squatters, these free-loading vampires necessarily came out of the walls when it cooled outside.  They didn’t have to go to all that trouble.  I guess it is not even likely that they attached themselves to the potted plants I had outside on my cement slab, traveling inside when I brought the plants in.  Nope!

Once those upstairs neighbors put their infested box spring and mattress out on their balcony the bugs simply went traveling elsewhere to find new food sources.  The neighbors, I believe, knew what they were doing for their OWN “greater good.”  They left their bed outside long enough to get the entire mess through a complete egg hatching cycle.  The WORST thing a person can do for other people!

But hey!  If you are ignorant about the risk being created for others?  Or if you know darn well what that risk is and don’t care?  After all, those neighbors are immigrants from Nepal who watched their fellow citizens die en mass along the sides of the streets where they came from.  What do they REALLY care about a few bugs in MY apartment?

So, the bugs most likely just took their little barbed tootsies along the red brick walls of the outside of this building and immigrated to MY place — through the cooler vents, through the sliding door……

I saw yesterday how THAT happens here.  I watched a good-sized black spider race across an expanse of snow right to my shoveled cement slab heading right for my door.  The welcome mat was so NOT down but my foot sure was!

Do I have a reputation in the neighborhood for being kind to BUGS?

++

Which reminds me, I bought a small Christmas cactus from Home Depot last December when I moved in here because I was desperate for greenery. However, I ALSO hauled in with it an infestation source for tiny black flies that have been a pesky curse in this apartment.  Nothing anyone has suggested to eliminate them has worked.  So, yesterday a woman who had this experience and received the solution from a plant expert, told me to place ALL of my houseplants inside plastic bags and keep them sealed in there for a week.  She said it kills the bugs and does not harm the plants.

So….  NOW….  I see no greenery in here.  I see plastic BAGS!

It is WAR ON BUGS.  But, realistically, that is a war that humans will never actually win although we hope to win a battle or more.  Believe me, I am engaged for the long haul in bed bug extermination although I won’t know until three weeks from now, after an entire egg cycle for the bugs has elapsed, if what I am doing is effective.  This is so NOT fun!

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+INVASION FROM HELL

++++

Thursday, December 4, 2014.  There is nothing about this post I WANT to write.  Exactly how fun is it to be able to find a comparison between one’s life and BED BUGS?  A week ago I had no idea AT ALL what a bed bug was!  Oh, was I ignorant and naive!

I have become illuminated.  Oh, great.

Life in a trauma-changed body due to infant-child abuse.

Life in a cramped apartment — with bed bugs.

Insidious.  Trapped.  Not to blame.  Victim of circumstances.  Nearly impossible to eradicate.  No vindication!  Any real hope of reprieve?

Looking back from my new informed vantage point I can see there were definite and probable signals that bed bugs were afoot around this low income apartment complex I live in.  (They do not fly, are not known to carry diseases, are vampire blood suckers who do not alert their hosts they are being bit in the dead of night, and who can live 12-15 months just fine without food.)

++

Several hours ago I closed out of this page without publishing this post.  WordPress saved a draft of this for me, so here I am – back again.

Scroll to the bottom of THIS LINK and you will see what I am fairly certain is coming up not only for me, but probably for at least the tenants of the other 32 apartments in my building.

Not good.  Maybe if I were my younger self I could slide right over this nasty predicament as I found bed bugs in my apartment last weekend.  I had NO idea what they were!  At 63 years old perhaps I am just damn fortunate to have thus far been spared any personal encounter with these creatures.  As it is — and the way things seem to be shaping up — I am finding the invasion of these blood sucking vampires VERY TRAUMATIZING!

They are not known to carry serious disease but they are known to spread like wildfire and are extremely difficult to get rid of.  They have developed immunity to all the pesticides that used to be used against them.  Now the only recommended treatment is the heat one described at the above link.  140 degrees for 12 hours.  And lots of preparation before hand along with evacuation during the treatment time at a cost of $1000 per apartment.

If all ten buildings in this complex need to be treated that is going to cost someone over $300,000.

This is so upsetting I can barely regulate my thoughts enough to do so.  I believe these bugs entered my apartment as the outside temperatures began to drop, probably from within the walls.

All tenants at move-in are required to sign a form at the office that says if an exterminator has to be called that they can tell whose apartment “caused the problem” and that person will be charged for the entire cost of treating the building.

I never THOUGHT of bed bugs when I signed that form, and of course I can’t even locate my copy of the form – assuming I was ever given one at the time I signed it a year ago.

This entire complex is filled with low income tenants.  Most are either disabled (from what I have seen) or are immigrant and refugee people.  Many of these people struggle greatly with English.  Nearly all came from places with severe trauma.  Starvation, war, people dying on the sides of the street.  Bugs might not even get their attention.

And if they DO get anyone’s attention – the terror of the thought of having to PAY for extermination for a whole building is overwhelming!  These are poverty people who live here, myself included!

I have to forgive myself for being so naive.  Looking back — NOW I see some things very differently.

Last June I walked by one of the dumpsters for another of the buildings here.  I thought someone must be moving out.  There were couches, chairs and bags of cloth stuff all around the dumpster.  There were mounds of bedding heaped ON the dumpster — that were so covered with moving brown bugs I could hardly see the fabric!

Yes, I noticed and was grossed out, but I walked away.  I didn’t “report” this to management.  I thought the bugs looked a lot like wood ticks, but I had never seen them before.  I had NO idea what they were.

I have seen many beds, box springs, chairs, couches thrown beside dumpsters here and always I have thought they came from people who were moving and could not take these things with them.  How many of them get grabbed by someone who needs furniture and hauled back into a building?

I know of two Nepal immigrant families who each had box springs and mattresses out on their upper floor balconies for weeks.  In my Pollyanna kind of ignorance I thought, “Gee, these people must not have room in their apartment for that bed.”  Or I thought, “These people must not be used to living in cities (like I am not) and like to air their beds out so they smell nice and fresh.”

YEAH!?  You THINK?

The exterminator my daughter spoke with today said that putting beds outdoors like that is a very, very bad idea.  The bugs just spread out and run for the nearest blood source.  They are not at all picky where they find it, and can go 12 – 15 months without eating and be just fine.

And no, diatomaceous earth is not effective.  I have that all along my baseboards, etc.  Bed bugs don’t dehydrate fast enough….

++

Trauma-built people (from severe early abuse and neglect) do NOT tend to handle insane messes like this one smoothly.  I am so much worse at it now than through my younger adulthood I don’t often feel remotely like the same person I used to be.  I’ve handled bugs in the desert and never been this upset — or invaded.  Being in an apartment means I cannot control for what happens in MY SPACE — which I certainly don’t really have.

This is all far from over yet.  I am most blessed to have my brilliant and very clear-thinking daughter making the calls and contacts that need to be made right now.  I cleaned all weekend – and I cannot end this infestation on my own.

What happens next?  Whatever it is, I dread it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

++++

Monday, December 1, 2014.  Everybody has ways of keeping track of time.  I know I jotted down these notes I discovered this morning at least seven years ago as I was pursuing my studies about my life to find vital information I needed to know — that nobody had ever told me.

I can tell they are from my personal “long ago” because there are only two pages left between the covers of this battered spiral notebook, whose spiral is bent, smashed and a bit twisted from being carried along with me through some very hard times in my life.  One remaining page is full of music notes from my first drumming lessons.  The other page, full of my notes, is about what follows.

In order to follow these thoughts, in your mind or on a piece of paper, draw an “X” and then over the top of this draw a “+” sign so that you now have  8 sections.  On this original piece of paper I tracked my attachment-related thoughts upon I drew a square at the bottom of the left horizontal “+” line that includes the right lower side of the “+.”  I labeled this box DISSOCIATE.

To back up a moment, taking a look at my notes by moving clockwise around the combined “X +” pattern, I see:

– At the top area of the “+” and in that top space of the “X” I wrote SECURE attachment = balance, flexible flow

– At the right point area of the “+” and in that space of the “X” I wrote AMBIVALENT insecure attachment = too much stop’n’go, ignoring  (Today I would add to this area “undependable and at times inappropriate approach/avoid“)

– At the bottom point of the “+” and its corresponding area of the “X” I wrote DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED insecure attachment = imbalanced, inflexible, no flow  (Today I would also add to this area “VERY undependable and at times inappropriate approach/avoid“)

– At the left point of the “+” and its corresponding “X” area I wrote AMBIVALENT insecure attachment = too unruly stop’n’go  (Today I would also add to this area “undependable and at times inappropriate approach/avoid“)

++

At the bottom of my paper I noted the breakdown between these attachment patterns with SECURE at about 55% of the population (although today I believe this percentage is dropping drastically due to the societal changes that are taking mothers out of the home to work way, way too early for the good of infants as children are being raised – very often- during the bulk of their waking daytime hours (not unusually up to 10 hours per weekday) in what I call “day orphanages,” the huge daycare centers where many very young children are left without the intimate face-to-face, body-language/touch interactions with their primary caregivers that are so VITAL to the “safe and secure attachment pattern” developments in a little one’s nervous system-brain-body)

Even without these “new” societal changes in infant and child-rearing practices the best at least American society has to offer its offspring who are not safe and securely attached is a 65% drop into the insecure attachment categories.  When I took these notes I divided the space equally between the three categories noted above.

There is not way of knowing accurately what any of these figures actually are, but my bet today (along with popular assessment) is that of that 65% of insecurely attached people (and parents/caregivers are very likely to pass their attachment patterns to their offspring), 30% would be AVOIDANT (our society so disempowers emotions!), 20% would be AMBIVALENT, and 15% would fall into the lower DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED insecure attachment category.

Today I would add one more category at the lower points of this little diagram:  REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER which I suggest includes at LEAST 5% of our population, dropping to 10% the percentage of people in the DISORGANIZED-DISORIENTED category.

++

Readers can do additional online searching for “cannot classify” attachments, as well as for what is commonly called “earned secure attachment.”  From my perspective as a person down there in the lowest 5% of people, I believe from my own experience that there is another category I named “borrowed secure attachment.”

++

In the lower half of my notebook page I wrote:

– consciousness comes with WORDS

– the more we can differentiate, identify and name the more light of consciousness we can bring to bear on ourselves and our lives (situations, relationships)

+++++++++++++++++++

I wrote these notes before I knew anything about the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) studies on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE).  The clearest place to start understanding this research and its implications is, again, by doing an online search for “CDC ACE study pyramid.”

As I have been writing about recently, the United Nation’s World Health Organization’s ACE research is tied to this:

++

I most HIGHLY recommend that readers who are new to these ideas buy and READ Dr. Daniel Siegel’s book

Parenting from the Inside: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

Absolutely ANYTHING you find online (including at amazon.com) written (or spoken in YouTube videos) by Dr. Siegel is MOST helpful!  This book I mention here gives the clearest “lay person” explanation of what the basic attachment categories are, how humans “get” them, and what they mean both to our parenting and to all of our relationships as human beings.

There is no better place to begin to inform yourself so you can begin to improve not only the quality of your life but also the quality of those around you.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

 

++++

Friday, November 28, 2014.  I wrote about something in my previous post that I am not going to leave alone today.  It is IMPORTANT to me that readers of this blog take some time to read, think about and perhaps respond to the United Nation’s World Health Organization’s version of the American Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire that can be found at this link:

There is more information about this questionnaire in the second half of my last post here:

+GLOBAL RESPONSE TO LIFELONG EFFECTS OF EARLY TRAUMA IS GAINING STEAM

++

As I was reading through the questions on this questionnaire it really struck me that for the 20+ years of “recovery” efforts I had put in on my own behalf as a severe early abusive trauma survivor I did not have enough of the right kind of information to answer #4.2 correctly until I was 52 years old!  Even by the age of 30 I still had no idea that I had “been abused” at all!  I certainly had no idea what depression was, and no kind of real knowledge, even, about what “mental illness” was.

I didn’t REALLY begin to understand my Mother’s mental illness until I was 52 years old when my brother sent me a book about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mothers.  The light went on for me as I saw Mother and key aspects of my abuse history at her hands within those pages – finally!

It took another 10 years before — all on my own and through my own hard efforts to make sense out of my world and the conditions of other severe early trauma survivors — that I finally narrowed things down along the correct track to realize the truth of the WHOLE matter:  Mother was PSYCHOTICALLY mentally ill, and her psychosis revolved around ME.

What a long, long road!

It’s not that the abuse wasn’t hard enough to endure and survive for the first long 18 years of my life.  It wasn’t even that I had spent ten years in therapy, ten years in 12-step programs, searched hard for the truth of my life for 20+ years, had completed an undergraduate degree in psychology and then a Masters’ Degree in Art Therapy that truly bothered me a little over a year ago when I figured out “the rest of the story” about what happened to me and WHY.

What bothered me MOST is that the negligence of the “professional” world to understand the underpinnings of abuse lies within the grasp of the human race and we are not MATURE ENOUGH to care!  I was NEVER told by any therapist by within the pages of any psychology or “self-help” book what I needed to know.

++

The stress of severe early trauma changes the physiological development of an infant-child so that the BODY a person lives within for the rest of their life responds from a platform within all of its systems to respond to a world that will ALWAYS match the same kind of malevolent world that signaled the rapidly developing little body of a person to change its development to match that kind of environment in order to survive.

The NUMBER ONE factor (there are other resiliency factors, of course) that can modulate the way Trauma Altered Development (TAD) takes place is the dependable presence of at least ONE safe and secure attachment person in an extremely stressed (traumatized) person’s early life.

Even this presence cannot prevent many permanent TAD changes from taking place, but if there is hope for escaping the worst lifelong effects, this presence is the most significant contributor.  These changes impact the physiological STRUCTURAL development and hence the operation of the nervous system-brain-stress/calm response system and even, I firmly believe, the immune system itself.

++

I think severe early trauma survivors KNOW these facts intuitively and instinctively.  I think we all know, no matter how hard we work to “get better” that key and central information that fits OUR history and experiences in life is just plain missing.  (I am writing to not only survivors but also to those who love them and need to learn about what “nobody” is telling us.)

When we DO encounter the truth, which is becoming more widely spoken of in today’s research circles, we will FEEL it because we will resonate with this truth.  We have not always known something is missing about we have been told about ourselves, we will ALSO know when we locate what will try help us understand — and then learn how to live better WITH — not only what happened to us but most importantly how those events created us to me “evolutionarily altered” individuals who ARE different in significant ways from people who did NOT suffer from massive unsafe and insecure attachment conditions during our earliest years of critically important development.

++

What we need to begin to make conscious is the information you will find here:

I believe people can “make themselves safe enough” to work through the pages of questions you will find at this link.  I am not suggesting that we are going after “memories” themselves although touching any of these subjects in this survey can create “trauma triggering.”  YOU DO NOT NEED TO LET any part of this process run away from you!  YOU have the efficacy to be in charge of this process!

You are giving what is within you an opportunity to basically resonate in an OUTWARD direction.  A HUGE part of the problem for early severe trauma survivors is that we are left personally suffering lifelong negative effects from trauma that DO NOT BELONG TO US as individuals.  I have written about this aspect many times on this blog and will not go into them again right here and now.

++

There is an interesting music video circulating around that, although in some ways follows a theme that MIGHT be unsettling to some viewers, DOES clearly show something about what reverberation and resonance can literally look like!

– VIEW HERE

My favorite image is the drummer’s effect on the stream of water!

I suggest watching this video before you move into thinking about your response to the trauma-related questions at the survey link I provide in this post.  It is helpful to engage the very human power of IMAGINATION as it is a very powerful aspect of our right brain hemisphere’s activities (a region of our brain greatly harmed and changed through early relationship trauma in our early attachment relationships).  Our right brain is continually in intimate touch with every emotion we have as our experiences IN OUR BODY are fed to our consciousness through this hemisphere.

In part I think going through this questionnaire helps us because it lets our two brain hemispheres communicate with one another (and of course with our self) about key truths of our existence.  You will find WORDS as you go through this exercise that encourage calm and focused left-brain thinking both within your own self and in communication with others who you feel safe and secure enough to talk about this process with!

Feel free to leave comments here to this blog post, as well.  And if you are working with a therapist you can discuss the project in session before you give this a whirl!

++

And if you’d like a little humor first, here’s another video that offers A LITTLE DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE!  (And, no, I am not encouraging beer drinking!  It’s just a prop here.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++

While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 167 other followers