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Monday, November 24, 2014.  It didn’t take me very long after I began my studies in 2004 about how early abuse and neglect profoundly affect the physiological development of sufferers for me to understand that all of the various fields of study that contributed information each in essence had one puzzle piece with a small segment of the picture on it.  I knew I have a strong asset in my not being tied to any school or school of thought because I am free to see the bigger picture of how these puzzle pieces fit together, connect and relate to one another.

I discovered a research article this morning that brings my thoughts back into focus along these lines.  This entire article is online free

Childhood Adversity Heightens the Impact of Later-Life Caregiving Stress on Telomere Length and Inflammation

 By Janice K. Kiecolt-Glaser, Ph.D., Jean-Philippe Gouin, M.A., Nan-ping Weng, M.D., Ph.D., William B. Malarkey, M.D., David Q. Beversdorf, M.D., and Ronald Glaser, Ph.D. — Psychosom Med. Jan 2011; 73(1): 16–22.

Conclusions

“Adverse childhood events are related to continued vulnerability among older adults, enhancing the impact of chronic stressors. Childhood adversities cast a very long shadow.”

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Long before I heard about the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) research I KNEW that the immune system is involved in physiological changes severe early trauma causes in survivors’ development.  However, I am still unclear if ‘others out there’ understand that it is – my strong suspicion – the immune system itself that is responsible for orchestrating the kinds of physiological developmental changes survivors experience on every necessary level so that survival to childbearing years is best achieved.

Yes, it may be that the ‘design’ of the immune system itself also changes as dictated by genetic – epigenetic – engineering in response to early stress during development.  (In fact, it is very probable that epigenetic forces carry early trauma changes down to successive generations so that those people suffer early trauma consequences even if they literally had none in their own early years.)  But the immune system may well be the first line of defense to insure continued survival in unsurvivable early conditions that in turn triggers the kinds of intricately complicated and interacting cascading changes through all ensuing developmental changes.

The above article came to my attention today as I work my own thoughts into patterns I believe in regarding my daughter’s choice of PhD dissertation topic.  Hence the specificity of this article to one area she is considering for research.  However, the article is enlightening and its reference list is absolutely relevant to anyone’s concerns about how early trauma impacts the entire being of its survivors.

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Along the lines of my current thinking related to my daughter’s research options I found this:

Adverse Childhood Experiences International Questionnaire (ACE-IQ)

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) refer to some of the most intensive and frequently occurring sources of stress that children may suffer early in life. Such experiences include multiple types of abuse; neglect; violence between parents or caregivers; other kinds of serious household dysfunction such as alcohol and substance abuse; and peer, community and collective violence.

It has been shown that considerable and prolonged stress in childhood has life-long consequences for a person’s health and well-being. It can disrupt early brain development and compromise functioning of the nervous and immune systems. In addition because of the behaviours adopted by some people who have faced ACEs, such stress can lead to serious problems such as alcoholism, depression, eating disorders, unsafe sex, HIV/AIDS, heart disease, cancer, and other chronic diseases.

The ACE International Questionnaire (ACE-IQ) is intended to measure ACEs in all countries, and the association between them and risk behaviours in later life. ACE-IQ is designed for administration to people aged 18 years and older. Questions cover family dysfunction; physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect by parents or caregivers; peer violence; witnessing community violence, and exposure to collective violence. ACE-IQ is currently being validated through trial implementation as part of broader health surveys.

Findings from ACE-IQ surveys can be of great value in advocating for increased investments to reduce childhood adversities, and to inform the design of prevention programmes.

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If nothing else, linking our thinking as severe early abuse, neglect and trauma survivors up to the bigger picture helps us affirm that WE ARE NOT ALONE!  It is, to me, a sign of the emerging maturity of humanity that this subject is gaining wider and wider interest and attention.  Not a small problem to address for anyone, but there are movements in the right direction!

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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Sunday, November 23, 2014.  It has been a long time since an academic book has drawn my attention, and I am not sure if I have ever spent $100 on a title.  But here goes!

Dr. Ross Buck breezed through today to leave a short comment about his new book’s publication on one of my blog pages where I referenced some of his other writing I read in 2007.

(NEUROLOGICAL BASES OF RECEIVING EMOTIONAL DISPLAYS , The Neuropsychology of Communication:  Spontaneous and Symbolic Aspects,Journal of Pragmatics 22 (1994) 265-278) with my notes posted here:  **Buck on Symbolic Communication and Emotions

My friend and I spent a bit of time online searching this new book today and I have decided to purchase a copy ASAP in spite of its $100 (or so) price tag –

Emotion: A Biosocial Synthesis (Studies in Emotion and Social Interaction), Dr. Ross Buck – October 20, 2014 — Cambridge University Press

That’s a LOT of money in my poverty budget, but I believe this is an investment I won’t regret.

Why this leap?

In some ways I am buying the book for what I already know is NOT inside its covers.  The big guns of ‘developmental neuroscience’ such as doctors Allan Schore, Daniel Siegel, Jon Allen, Martin Teicher, Stephen Porges , etc. are NOT listed in the bibliography.

But I trust that I have done my homework.  I KNOW what these docs have to say.  I can do some solo flying now because I know a lot about how early attachment interactional patterns build the right limbic social-emotional brain hemisphere – what goes wrong, what goes right….

My great scholar friend found one ‘disclaimer’ paragraph on around page 363 of Buck’s book and read it to me today, although when I later asked him to read it to me again no place online allow let him get back to that paragraph.  The gist of it in regard to my chief areas of concern is that it contained – virtually, from my point of view – a clear statement that I can search the entire book to find anything like a description of what it is like to be a Trauma Altered Development person from severe infant and child abuse and I will NOT find any resonance to my kind (and others of this blog’s readers) situations within its pages.

So be it.  I can live with that now.  I honor the presence of the ‘disclaimer’.  I will not search in vain.  I know what’s missing.

However, ‘attachment’ and ‘shame’ are in the index, and importantly the work of Dr. Silva Tomkins is also mentioned.  And then, of course, there’s an entire smorgasbord of thoughts and ideas in this book that will be entirely new to me.  NEW is fine with me.  Actually, it’s GREAT!  Fantastic.

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I’ve mentioned here on the blog before that one of my daughters stunned me with one of her first questions soon after she acquired competence with language enough to ask it at around age 3:  “Mommy, is my body the boss of my mind or is my mind the boss of my body?”

I was nearly 40 years younger then than I am now.  I am not certain that I would answer my daughter’s question the same way now.  Maybe I would?  I don’t know.  But what I told her that day was that she has a SOUL that is the boss of both her mind and her body.

Yet here I am now faced very powerfully with a similar question of my own.  I am SICK of being run by my trauma-altered body!  I intend to feed my MIND with information that will strengthen me enough to in some new way make a new kind of peace between the ME that is trying to live my earth-bound life with any kind of quality at all in a body that has evidently just about HAD it with having to ‘carry on’ in the condition is was forced to be built in through 18 years of severe abuse and neglect trauma from birth.

Somewhere in the middle between my sleeping troubles, very high anxiety, nasty depression, dissociation, depersonalization, derealization, and PTSD overload there is a ME in here who WANTS MY LIFE BACK!!

I could not be more serious.  I have increasingly difficult problems being around people AT ALL!  I know I not only missed out on nearly every kind of adequate developmental opportunity to learn to read social cues (this information was not built into my early-forming right brain hemisphere as it should have been) but also because of childhood years of extensive solitary confinement and extreme social isolation I cannot respond to and with emotions in “ordinary” ways, either.

I am so far down at the bottom of the heap when it comes to what abuse (truly psychotic abuse) can do to a person I literally have NO idea how I am still HERE.  I really don’t.

But I AM HERE!  And I deserve a better life than the one I have been forced to live as my ‘disabilities’ close in on me as if I am literally being buried alive by them.

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So when it comes down to ‘efficacy’ as I recently posted about it, I know darn well I can devour this academic book just fine, and I certainly intend to do so.  I KNOW there are answers in those pages for what ails me right now and I intend to find them.

This Stop the Storm blog is a teensy weensy flit of a spec in the vast internet world, and yet Dr. Buck found that one post I entered here years ago.  I don’t consider the appearance of an alert for his comment in my email box today to be a ‘mere coincidence’.  No, not me.  I believe it is an answer to my desperate prayer for healing that has brought me some light I need now in the form of this book.

We are not in this universe alone.  I am a good person.  This book even discusses THAT.  Take a look at the Table of Contents.  Look at the note this book ends on.  I am game!  And I am sure really, really sick of the level of suffering I have been living with.  I deserve MORE!  We all do.

So, I will literally keep you posted on this venture – adventure!  I thank the author in advance for this opportunity his work has to teach me what I do not yet know.  I will make very good use of what I learn.  Of that I have no doubt!

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NOTE:  Many early (and “late”) trauma survivors have difficulty with sleep and dreaming.  I was glad to see this come across my “attention desk” today.

An interesting movie I plan to watch online tonight:

One More Reason to Get a Good Night’s Sleep

The brain uses a quarter of the body’s entire energy supply, yet only accounts for about two percent of the body’s mass. So how does this unique organ receive and, perhaps more importantly, rid itself of vital nutrients? New research suggests it has to do with sleep.”

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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Saturday, November 22, 2014.  Here is a fantastic video!  Short and worth the watch!!

Musicians’ Brains Really Do Work Differently — In A Good Way

Did you know that every time musicians pick up their instruments, there are fireworks going off all over their brain?”

“That’s the launching point for a fantastic little video made by educator Anita Collins and animator Sharon Colman Graham for TED-Ed. What they explain is that while listening to music is beneficial, playing music is “the brain’s equivalent of a full-body workout.”

“What’s more: Neuroscientists have found that some of these aspects of mental work are different from any other activity studied, including playing sports or engaging in various creative pursuits.”

For teachers, TED-Ed has made a full, customizable lesson plan available on this fascinating topic and exciting research. Happy playing!”

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I especially noticed the description (at around 2:00 on the lower slider bar) of the activities of the left and right brain hemispheres, and of the corpus callosum area that passes information between the two hemispheres.  Changes due to early trauma in brain development note that all of these areas are impacted by infant and child abuse trauma.  Learning to play music HEALS us!

There are also some very important article links HERE about how verbal abuse terribly hurts some of these same brain regions that learning to play an instrument can help heal!

While I would like to see some of the references for the research mentioned in this video I am not motivated enough to contact the organization that did this video to look for the list.  I just BELIEVE what they are saying is absolutely true!!

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I was thinking about this earlier in the day before I watched this video as I practiced my piano scales.  I want to HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone interested in achieving some of these kinds of healing benefits right from the get-go!!

Hanon: The Virtuoso Pianist in 60 Exercises by Charles-Louis Hanon

Be sure to buy the 2006 edition with the cover in color!!!  It is the best translation from the French available, and that is important for reasons explained in the text.  If you click on this link (above) you will find the book is really cheap new, and very cheap used!  It is a perfect learning tool for newbies and a fantastic exercise book for any musician who wants to train to perfection!

I was also thinking that any small keyboard with at least two full octaves would work for these exercises.  Ideally you need one with some stiffness to the keys, and preferably one with 44 keys to do these exercises as specified.

Brain science also tells us that practice for 20 minutes at a time with a 2 hour break between sessions is not only just fine, but provides the optimal time for the brain to maximize learning from those 20 minute segments!  More playing at a time is fine, of course, but this pattern is the most efficient for learning.

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There are some things I could write about my own music-learning experiences, both on keys and with drumming, but this process is very personal and different in many ways for everyone who plays at any level.  I would rather get my fingers off my computer keys right now and onto my keyboard ones right now, so off I go!

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While there is no money for me in my mention of this herbal-vitamin supplement here, I am taking it daily now and find it extremely helpful.  That means a lot to me, so I thought perhaps other readers might wish to take a look:

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora®to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

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Leave a Comment »

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+DEGREES OF EFFICACY

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Friday, November 21, 2014.  Efficacy:  “the power to produce an effect.”  It seems that my writing of my last three posts lead directly to this word in my thinking.  Efficacy.  Such a small word.  Or does it only seem small to me at this moment because it seems to me that my “power to produce an effect” is so pitifully small, limited and inadequate right now?

This being said, I must admit I feel very disempowered in my life right now.  This has been true, really, for a very long time.  I have just been able to outrun the pit-of-my-stomach feeling that I cannot outrun it now.

I can see that having nothing much to work with I found my efficacy in the dirt when I made this -

LINDA’S ADOBE PEACE GARDEN

Being dirt poor I decide that I better make something beautiful out of dirt, then.  “Producing an effect” is always what my love of gardening has been about.  What my craft work has been – and is about.  In my being I always desire to create and produce a positive effect.  Something useful.  And if at all possible something of beauty no matter what I have to work with.

I see at this moment that even my current efforts to practice keyboard and drumming is also tied to my desire to produce an effect even if it is halting, awkward and quite unskilled.  Music is created because someone produces an effect of sound upon the air waves.

Writing.  I can do that out of nothing, virtually nothing.  Perhaps it is one of the most beneficial effects produced by advances in computer technology including access to the internet that lets people increase the efficacy of their lives.  We are empowered in many ways that did not exist not so many years ago.

Cell phones empower us to be in increasing communication with others.  Efficacy.

Yet by nature I am a high enough drive person to CRAVE efficacy.  Child abuse, all oppression and abuse, robs people of degrees of efficacy.

I love being outdoors as much as possible, and here in the north for these months coming up it is a miserable experience for me to be outside.  Frigid winters hurt me in many ways.  They rob me of degrees of what efficacy is for me that I had available in Arizona.  Apartment living in a city without a yard is, for me, another loss of efficacy problem.

So obviously efficacy is very personal and tailor-made differently for different people.  Many people lose efficacy living in the country.  Yet poverty, disabilities, sicknesses, many aspects of aging, oppression, abuse — all rob people of degrees of efficacy.  It becomes a “resiliency factors versus risk factors” situation in how people can respond to any of these conditions.

How do we remedy the depleting effects of a lack of efficacy?  Definition of EFFICACIOUS:  having the power to produce a desired effect <an efficacious remedy>

I am always in the process of working this out because I must.  To me, having efficacy is life.  Not having it (appropriately, of course) is a form of dying.

Efficacy is what I tried so hard to give to my children.  It is “the effect” I am hoping I am contributing to my grandson as I care for him.

I think efficacy is a very hard quality to produce and to maintain alone.

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

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+EASY?

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Friday, November 21, 2014.  What kept me from evening beginning to comprehend that I had been “an abused child” until I was nearly 30 years old?  Having been ejected out of the horrific conditions of my home of origin one month after my 18th birthday I would think — now — that I should have at least had a glimmer of an idea that something had gone terribly terribly wrong during those 18 years.

Reality was I knew less than NOTHING!

I was that innocent, that naive, and perhaps just that open to the ongoing nature of life forward through time instant by instant that nothing ever came along that caused me to question — anything.

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Questions are very troublesome to me if I can’t find answers for them.  Or at least be able to determine a direction to hunt for what MIGHT be an answer.

There are a LOT of problems in the world.  There are problems within problems within problems.  So are their, equally and correspondingly, answers within answers within answers for every question each of these problems creates?  If so, are there ALSO solutions to problems that follow this same pattern?

What good is a question without an answer?  Of what use?  What good is a problem without a solution?

There were LOTS of problems with my childhood.  Nothing BUT problems, really.  But perhaps because there were no solutions these problems could not be seen for what they were.  Not by me, anyway.

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There’s another twist in how I look at such concerns that might be most unique to me and to those who were abused by a PSYCHOTIC Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) parent.  In my case the bizarre, profound and disastrous two split worlds of my mother — good/heaven/everyone but me — and bad/hell/no one BUT me — meant that in every situation where there was a problem in our family in some way Mother’s twisted mind put ME at the center as “the cause and creator of” those problems.

The set-up from my birth was that if I wasn’t “so bad” everyone’s life would be perfect.  Everyone in our family.  We were the only ones that mattered.

But the psychosis of Mother’s broken mind ALSO and at the same time orchestrated an toxic and invasive, permanent thought structure that was TRUE (of course, in her mind-world) that if I were NOT in the world life would be perfect.

I could not question this thought construct.  I had no other information.  Did I think of myself, then, in terms of “Gee, I guess I better be dead?”

No.

“Not alive?”

No.

Just no thoughts about any of this.  None.  A blank where I SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

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In effect for nearly all practical purposes I was dead.  I was not alive.  I did not exist.  I had never come into being.  Mother’s abuse and her psychosis did not allow me to be a person other than her complete projection of her own inner darkness onto (and into) me.

Nonexistent children do not ask questions because they don’t have any.  This condition did not change simply by the motions of my physically removing my body from the range of that so-sick woman.

NOW?

This post comes about because I am smack nose-against-the-wall aware today that I fundamentally BELIEVE IF THERE IS A PROBLEM THERE IS A SOLUTION!

I cannot turn my thinking around to come up with another way to look at life.

If there are multiple problems, problems within problems, there are matching answers and solutions — every tiny step of the way.

I believe ALL PROBLEMS HAVE SOLUTIONS.

Then…..  My thinking has to move on….  To the WHY aren’t the problems and the questions and the answers and the solutions NOT being identified for ALL of them for EVERYONE and everything on the planet NOW?

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I turn around full circle within and ask myself, “Are these rational, logical thoughts?”  What are they rooted in connected to and embedded within the structure of my cognition processes coming from the way I was raised?

No condition on earth as far as it implicates and involves human beings exists in a vacuum.  To me this fact suggests the biggest problem of all.  We cannot truly solve the biggest problems ALONE.  Not in our individual lives and certainly not in our collective life.

And here comes that word:  Attachment.  With all its complexity, all of its implications for us as members of a social species.  We don’t create problems alone and we don’t solve them alone.  Not really.

But I am not sure there is anything more difficult on earth than to get humans to agree en masse about anything, certainly not about how to improve all lives toward creating a prosperous and peaceful global civilization, which is what really needs to happen.  A society built upon justice, which is itself a spiritual principle.

There was NO JUSTICE in the first 18 years of my life, that’s for sure.  Only its opposite.  Yet somehow I seem to have been born with an innate knowledge that justice DOES exist, that its source is divine, and that its application to all human affairs is not only possible but will solve all of humanity’s problems.

I believe this:

The obstacle to human happiness is racial or religious prejudice, the competitive struggle for existence and inhumanity toward each other.”  ‘Abdu’l-Bahá  (read entire passage HERE)

I also believe this:

“…among mankind there may be those who are ignorant; they must be trained. Some are sick; they must be treated. Some are immature; they must be helped to attain maturity.”  ‘Abdu’l-Bahá  (read entire passage HERE)

In my thinking all human difficulties exist because of some combination of problems related to the words in these two statements.  The solution is vast and is not one many humans are willing to contemplate.

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I grew up “on the fringe” of society.  Our family took that to the extremes of leaving suburban Los Angeles to move to Alaska, and that wasn’t even fringe enough.  Up they went near timberline on an Alaskan mountainside to stake claim to a homestead.  Never mind the extremely rare fringe severe mental illness with its full-blown psychosis that fueled and sustained this entire fringe operation, within which I was trapped in a psychotically abusive hell.

So I was prepared to “be fringe” and to think fringe.  Here I am.  Doing exactly that.  Not much choice in this matter.  Right along with Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”  I have never found anything about my existence to be easy.  Perhaps I never will.

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

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Thursday, November 20, 2014.  I guess I easily jumped forward 900 years in my last post.  And now backward…..   In the meantime, I have a few post-post observations.

Conflict.  Although there are degrees of conflict I don’t think it is “ordinary” to have such a narrow comfort with conflict.  Any change in the environment, any challenge to an ongoing experience of life can be seen as conflict by the body.  Any shift in attention, anything that demands we might need to alter how we are using available resources to get along in life can be perceived as conflict between self and the wider world.

Any time a person is already challenged — by hunger, thirst, exhaustion, sickness and/or preoccupation with other concerns — and then is met by a new change (challenge) in their experience in the world some kind of a readjustment of attention is required so that a determination can be made about what needs to happen next.  Always threat vs safety is included in these assessments.  Every interaction demands the use of resources — inner and/or outer.

Because early severe trauma survivors live in a body that was built by, in and for a trauma world there is always an overload of sensation biased toward the ongoing need to survive in a malevolent, dangerous, threatening world of deprivation and scarcity.  Hoping to rely on the use of perpetual conscious logic to “trick” the body into “laying off the horn” of an alarm response is not enough to keep many of us from over-reacting in challenging situations when they arrive.  The body uses automatic responses because they are incredibly fast, efficient, and most likely to be effective.  Trying to down-regulate alarm responses so that conscious, very slow and complicated conscious responses can come into play always uses inner resources that might not be easily or quickly replenished.

Resiliency is, then, a multifaceted series of events.  I can imagine that as a severe early trauma survivor living within a body whose physiological development was altered in order to endure and survive those 18 long years, that my inner resources have been depleted over the years of my adulthood and have not been adequately replenished — all through no fault of my own.  This seems to be my experience, and I have little tolerance for conflict of ANY kind.  I see this lack of resources, lack of resource replenishment, and depletion of my tolerance for conflict as being directly connected to the ongoing lifelong negative consequence of severe early trauma from abuse and neglect.

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Escaping the physical abuse when I was 18 did NOT mean I escaped then or ever will escape the long-term harmful effects of my years of early trauma.

NOW when I think about “STOP CHILD ABUSE” I think not even so much about the terrible suffering of the little tiny helpless innocent dependent victims of ongoing early abuse.  I think of its SURVIVORS who are most likely to suffer from consequences of that abuse IN THEIR BODY for their entire lifespan.

It does seem to me looking back over my adulthood that I carried with me some kind of natural immunity to the effects that I am so aware of now.  I could “handle” being around people, for example.  I absolutely took it for granted that “we” were alike.  It NEVER dawned on me that I was “a different kind of person” because of what I had lived through and because of how those experience changed my physiological development.

Again I mention a need for readers to Google “CDC ACE study” to begin to learn about the kind of information beginning to infiltrate understanding about the life-long risk of problems from early traumas.  The term “Trauma Informed Care” is evolving as professionals learn more and more about the extremely high risk early severe trauma survivors carry with them for all kinds of problems during their life.  Being able to understand HOW we are in the world because of our trauma history is part of how we apply this kind of new thinking to our own life.

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What depletes us?  What feeds and sustains us?  What helps to increase our strength — which IS our power to experience a better quality of life in all arenas vital to humans?

It seems as I write this meandering post that I am asking myself a fundamental question:  “What is quality of life?  What does it mean?  Where does it come from?  How much of it is essential to having and maintaining an inner ongoing state of assurance that we are OK in the world?”

I lived all of my life until my youngest child left home when I was 52 years old being primarily concerned and involved with GIVING to other people.  It was not a familiar process for me to think about “What do I need for myself in my life?”  Now that I am older I realize that I would say first of all “I needed not to experience continual horrible abuse and neglect trauma throughout the duration of my childhood from birth so that HOW my body was created did not come to overtax every one of my innate abilities to have a good life.”

Perhaps it is helpful at this point for me to be getting so clear about what the limitations I live with are doing to deplete my quality of life.  But how do I CHANGE things to help myself improve my quality of life in spite of these difficulties?

I know I resigned myself to the horrible conditions of my childhood.  If I had not done that I would have been dead a long, long time ago.  I have no doubt that if I had challenged my abuser (Mother) she would have killed me in her attempts to maintain her delusions.  Neither of us had any other choice back then.

But what does resignation do to me now?

I am willing to bet that I only ask these kinds of questions now because I have lived long enough to do so.

And the answers?  SOME answers?  Time will tell.

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+CALM UNDER PRESSURE?

++++

Thursday, November 20, 2014.  Life demands of us that we continually react to the environment we are in.  We react visibly and we react down to the molecular-based structures within us.  Nobody is immune to these processes until they are dead.  We are extremely complex beings alive within a world that is in constant flux.  How people react is often a mystery.

I used to think my job as a person was to define myself by what I knew consciously at any moment.  The difference between how I used to react in my life and how I react today seems to be because I am now a different person that I used to be.  Now I am defined more by my disabilities than by my abilities — unless I pay very, very close attention to my thoughts.  Today, reacting automatically seems to get me into nothing but trouble.

I have said many times on this blog that our task as severe early trauma survivors is not only to know WHO we are but also to know HOW we are in the world.  WHO I am is the same person I have been on the level of my soul since the instant of my conception.  But HOW I am in the world was completely modulated by the conditions I was born into.

Now?  I need calm.  The continual flux of life creates pressure on me to adapt.  Adapt to remain alive?  Yes.  But how do I adapt to stay CALM?

Hard work.  At age 63 it seems that in far more circumstances than not calmness is outside my reach.  This is not good.  This situation is moderated by my “disabilities.”

I think of bone rubbing on bone.  I am most grateful that I have not experienced this condition physically.  However, emotionally I am never far from being tossed into an uncomfortable sea of what can most easily and accurately be called “emotional dysregulation.”  This is NOT calmness!

I crave peaceful calm more than anything on earth.  Yet I can no longer adapt unconsciously to what the environment I live within in ways that allow me to stay at or near this state.  Peaceful calm was never built into the center of my physiological being because of the horrendous trauma I was immersed within from birth.  My center was forced to respond to and adapt itself to continual harm and threat of harm.  My “natural” connections to peaceful calm were broken.  Any calmness I ever experienced was interrupted by the intrusions of abuse.

++

Most simply put, when it comes to human contact I can only feel OK if I am around certain kinds of people.  I don’t like to judge others, and yet I can instantly tell now HOW other people are in their world by HOW I react to them – instantly!  There is no fooling my body.

The big deal seems to me to be that other people — whose development was not drastically altered within a trauma environment that they had to adapt their physiological development to and within —  can easily fool themselves and do so on a nearly continual basis.  They seem to get away with this because “the truth” does not NEED to matter to them the way it does to me.  Other people have all kinds of ways to keep themselves “regulated enough” to get by and to get along in life.  They can CHOOSE not to be conscious of themselves.

Probably because I NEED peaceful calm in my environment so much I am exquisitely attuned to its absence.  Ordinary people who did not suffer abusive trauma from birth have peaceful calm built into them at the center of their physiology so it is the “balanced point of their equilibrium” in their body.  They are SO fortunate and do not even know it.

So they can “mess around” through life not having to pay attention to or question discrepancies between HOW they are in the world versus how they think/believe that they are.  If someone thinks they are nice, then there is no question — they are nice.  If they think they are not angry or sad — then they aren’t.  Etc.  That simple.

My super attuned abilities, which basically get translated into disabilities because I am out-of-synch with the mainstream world I live in, instantaneously detect what my physiology translates into THE LIE.  THE LIE is extremely threatening and dangerous to me.

The simplest way to describe my super detection system and process is to say everything varies on a continuum between peaceful calm = quiet and not peaceful calm = NOISY!!

NOISE dysregulates my body and I no longer have the ability to “down size” this kind of trauma-triggered reaction.  It isn’t that I am currently REALLY exposed to “trauma.”  It is that my physiology has become (at age 63) so worn out and sensitized that I perceive trauma as being anything less than peaceful calm.  My abilities to modulate, or re-regulate my reactions also seems to be worn out.

++

Even living 9-10 hours every weekday in this tiny apartment with a very active and often LOUD and attention-demanding little grandson, who today turns 28 months old, frequently dysregulates me.

I think of burned skin — so extremely sensitive to ANY water upon it, or any pressure.  I think of my body as being like an automobile that no longer has an adequately-working accelerator-deaccelerator, braking system, or transmission.  I can mostly only control my reactions to my life by controlling the environment I move around within.

Tough job.  I am not a “control freak.”  I am never comfortable in any way trying to control or manipulate another person.  My natural tendency is to withdraw.  Avoid.  I do not wish to change others even though I KNOW that if they were “different” I would be far more OK.

I can’t make others be honest about how they feel, what their motives are, be honest about their levels of denial, their anger, their manipulations, their biases and prejudices, or even their ignorance.  It is not their “fault” that I lack what they have, abilities to simple be OK within because their earliest attachment relationships built them to “be good enough” in a “good enough” world.

What I feel as “pressure” does not affect ordinary (non-early traumatized, abused, neglected, terrorized…,) people hardly at all.  Do I envy them!  OH YES I DO!  I grieve increasingly for not only what I have lost in my life but for the ground it seems I am losing every single day I remain alive.  My world is shrinking.  Shrinking.  The less able I am to remain regulated within the bigger world the smaller my comfort zone becomes.

I am not trying to be negative.  However, I am being very realistic.  In all truth moving here to a city on a landscape and within a climate that is NOT good for me has vastly depleted me of those external resources I have been able to access and use in the past to help myself have “sanctuary within” myself.  But all of that is —– another part of my story.

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

++++

Wednesday, November 12, 2014.  I left a short comment over on the

Your Page – Readers’ Responses

section of the blog.  However, if I don’t say something here to cover all my bases in trying to provide at least a few words to a commenter today who asked that they not be made “public” I will not sleep well tonight.  It is important for readers to feel safe enough among the pages of this blog to leave their thoughts, perceptions, questions, observations and feelings where other blog readers can see them.

I understand that a first-time commenter might be very hesitant to do so, but when someone mentions specifically that they want to be “heard” at the same time their words cannot be posted here I am left with a quandary.

I am not a professional.  I write from my own life, from my own heart, but all I put in these pages is what I have to offer.  I do not respond privately with blog readers who might very much need help for many reasons.  Among them is my belief that EVERYONE can benefit from what EVERYONE has to say!

Names can be changed when a comment is posted if that helps people feel “safer” to speak here.  I do honor requests not to publish.

The pages of this blog are full of information about what it is like for severe early abuse and neglect survivors who were forced to adapt our physiological development in major ways in order to survive.  Our trauma/abuse is key and central to HOW we are in our body in this world.  But WHO we are is a sacred essence that no abuse can possibly touch or change.

Trauma Altered Development means that our nervous system including our brain, our immune system, our stress-calm response system are all different-from-ordinary.  At the root of our growth from birth if we were harmed and not protected, cared for and loved as we needed to be is a deep sense of being alive in a dangerous world.  We adapted IN OUR BODY to survive under these conditions.

We are, in effect (search Google for “stop the storm teicher article”) evolutionary altered individuals designed by and to survive within a malevolent world so that HOW we are in the world is a mismatch for a more benevolent “benign” world.  We FEEL that difference, and yes, we can be an enigma to ourselves and to everyone else because of this fact.

What we all have, then, is some version of an “insecure attachment disorder” which will intervene between us and those we love, those who love us (our experience of being/feeling loved), and other people.  We get different kinds of information in different ways from ordinary and we respond to this information differently.

While me may FEEL (and be told we are) broken or damaged, the real truth is that we ARE different.  We did not choose to be this way.  We did not choose the circumstances we were forced to grow up with.  Our BODY, however, found its own way to CHOOSE to survive.  And here we are!

Yes, we suffer in incredible ways for our entire lifespan.  (I suggest a Google search for “CDC ACE study pyramid” as an example of what the Centers for Disease Control is discovering about how it is to live with consequences of an extremely difficult infancy and childhood.)  My belief is that the more information we can find and study about how early trauma changes THE BODY in its development the more we will begin to understand our self.  Knowledge IS power!

Anyone who has found their way to this blog is, in my thinking, already an excellent online researcher!  Keep going!  One way to find places to read on this blog is to simply enter search terms on Google that begin with “stop the storm blog” and then include what interests you — “trauma altered development” or “attachment” — is a good start.

There are all kinds of YouTube videos to watch that are very helpful.  Anything you find there done by Dr. Daniel Siegel is excellent, as is anything you find by Dr. Gordon Neufeld.  My great friend and co-researcher Sandy could add a comment to this post with a whole collection of names to find videos on over at dear YouTube!  HINT, Sandy!!)

A reader can also just pick a month from the list at the side of this blog’s main page going all the way back to the first month I began posting in April 2009 and find many, many helpful posts on this blog.  Also check out what’s at some of the tabs at the top of the page, and also go to one of my other blogs connected to this one where information is stored:  Workspace for Stop the Storm at http://workspacestopthestorm.wordpress.com/.

++++

It may seem to be a mystery how we can be such caring, dedicated and loving parents considering our backgrounds.  One simple statistic is that while 35% of those who were abused in childhood do go on to abuse their own kids, 65% do not.  What factors are involved in these patterns?  I don’t think anyone knows.

But I do know that the horrors of child abuse and neglect trauma NEVER belonged to us.  Those patterns belonged to the people who hurt us.  I have done a lot of work in traveling all the way back through my childhood and I have found within myself child self absolute purity and beauty.  We can find the person we were then and make the connection to who we are now MINUS the horrors of the abuse.  EXCEPT FOR what I mentioned above….

Our physiological development was changed by the terrible stress of the traumas we endured.  We need to know what that means to us, and it is a primary mission of this blog to present information that can help all of us learn about what it means to live in a trauma altered development.  So….  Dig around here and READ READ READ — and don’t forget to leave comments that I am allowed to publish here — for ALL of our development!

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+TINY WARRIORS OF WINTER

++++

Tuesday, November 11, 2014.  The snowflakes are moving in.  Tiny warriors of winter.  Each a perfect crystal, literally sent down from above.  They are not naturally my friends, and yet I think about what I heard years ago when I lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico about how the Pueblo People near there so honored what I seem to so detest.

And fear, though the fears are about my own disinclinations.  My own shortcomings.  Flaws.  Basically?  My own bad attitudes!

The Pueblo People have songs.  All Native Americans do, although the elders say that so many of them have been lost over time.  The People’s song I mention has many stanzas that describe all the stages of miracles that take place throughout one cycle of the seasons to make the world ready for the perfect dance of falling snow.

Dancing tiny snowflake warriors.  We are not buried under them yet as I hear Minneapolis already is.  So my more positive take this morning is that if all the billions of people on earth had a chance — took the chance — to all work together toward a good end for us all what could we accomplish?

A lot.  I think about how these uncountable, really, tiny crystals will take over this world for many months to come.  Not only do they fall one at a time, they all fall together.  Right now as I gaze out my one window I see them meandering down.  Being caught separately, one at a time, in a gentle draft, floating sideways, swooping up again before they settle like the tiniest white flames on browning grass tips.

++

I am not quite so afraid of what is coming.  My supplements (mentioned in previous post) have arrived.  The molecules contained in them as they will work with the molecules within me I KNOW have the power to enable me to weather winter without sinking into the troughs of isolating depression that would take me over without them.  I also have, for the rest of the month of November, a chance to go to the open public clay studio in town here with a friend who so kindly picks me up on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and some weekend afternoons.

I haven’t worked with clay since my nearly-30 year old son was the age the grandson I care for weekdays is.  It’s been over a quarter of a century since I tried to center a ball of clay, tried to make something useful if not beautiful arise from it.

I admit I avail myself of the wonders of YouTube videos to replenish my memory about how to do this!  I am also intrigued by the process of the return of my own body memories as I handle the clay.

I found myself thinking last night about how people say no matter how many years of sobriety an alcoholic achieves if they return to drinking the progression of their disease affects them as though they had been drinking all of those years.  I am finding a fascinating similar process with one of my creative loves — sculpting with clay.  I REMEMBER this process right along with my passion for “finding things” in the shapes of the mud.

But I also am finding that I now know MORE about my own interactions with my heart, my mind, my tools, this clay as together I now work VERY TINY bits of clay into magical shapes that, to me, convey the essence of human emotions.  I do not worry about physiological perfections of human forms.  I am NOT making people.  This is EARTH I am working with.

I am very clear now that I love to let the clay speak.  Not only is shaping clay about creating expression in three dimensional space.  It is also about literally marking time.  Every mark I make upon this clay transmits a split-second record not only of me in my life, but in the clay itself as it passes through time within my hands.

Time and space.

I can entertain myself all winter long with my worn out legless tabletop perched in perfect balance along the length of my beat up ironing board in my sewing room.  I live in a shoe-box (I repeat to myself).  It makes sense to me that I am working on very small pieces, many of them no taller than two inches.  I laugh within.  If I were to present a show of my work in an art gallery the entire show could be displayed in exactly that — a shoe-box!!

++

Considering this progression of my love of clay work over this quarter century my hands have been only in touch with adobe mud as a creative outlet (NOT here!), I think about some comments a professor gave to me those years ago:  “You make maquettes.  That’s what Matisse did.  Others were commissioned to turn his work into massive bronze structures.  He worked very small.”

A maquette (French word for scale model, sometimes referred to by the Italian names plastico or modello) is a small scale model or rough draft of an unfinished sculpture. An equivalent term is bozzetto, from the Italian word that means “sketch”.

+

I see this in my work.  I experience the wonders of the human mind — MY mind — as I can imagine in a very living way what my tiny sculptures would look like and FEEL like if ——

I think, “If we lived in a different kind of world, a different kind of culture, that truly valued providing external environments of beauty, mystery and delight, my work could be created LARGE in public spaces.”

There is one I finished yesterday that I will bring to the studio tonight to leave for bisque firing that is of women in motion — and one child, in a ring with a deep open space carved in the center which faces the figures’ backs.  A “real” sculpture of this piece would give people of all sizes and ages a place to climb into.  As humans moved within and around the lines of the sculpture they would become — for their moments of time in space shared with the piece — a living part of this work.

+

There’s another small piece I finished yesterday that was inspired by a dear friend of mine’s life.  His father died when he was two.  My friend has walked a long way through his lifespan without the knowledge of what it would have been like to have shared his life — and therefore his memories — with a father.

There is a little boy nestled on the lap and near the breast of a large, powerful man who looks rather primal.  Rather apelike.  The father’s left arm is very long.  His hand is very large.  I know that in the perception of a little boy should he be wrapped thusly in the arms of such a man would not care one tiny twit about the actual “real” proportions of the person who held him so safely, so securely.  This (to me) is how such a little boy would FEEL.

So protected.  So connected through the love of this man who is himself MADE of earth, grounded upon the earth, wrapped by earth.

+

Yeah, fall oh ye snowflake warriors.  I am preparing to be prepared to endure your collected life upon this earth.

Dare I say “Thank you” for gracing our life with yours as the Pueblo snow song describes?

Almost…..

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

+THE TASTE OF HOPE?

++++

Thursday, November 6, 2014.  Very interesting.  I don’t remember ever specifically mentioning a product on this blog.  I only mention the one you will see described at the end of this post because I have had a chance to try it for 48 hours compliments of a dear friend of mine who bought some in town here for $38.40 per bottle to help her get through these very difficult days as she and her family bury their much loved mother who died last week at age 90.

I trust my friend’s wisdom.  I’ve known her for 44 years.  If this product rates high on her shelf of “survive life supplies” then I am quite certain this product is worth a longer trial period for what ails me = MUCH trauma-related chronic ANXIETY!  I see through a vendor who supplies Amazon.com this same product is available for under $18 per bottle online.  Now THAT is a price I can afford on my low budget.

++

I can tell I FEEL different in ways I can’t quite (yet) describe from the short dose of this supplement.  Maybe I can say it seems as if the BODY of the massive traumas built into my body are backing off from ME.  I can almost SEE the great giant dark beast of my chronic anxiety overshadowing these large apartment buildings in this complex here as the distance grows between IT and ME.

Inky thick, heavy, sticky, stinky ICKY blackness.  OUT THERE?  Not IN HERE?

A black fog, although oddly as it is (perhaps?) leaving me (somewhat, although now I have to go some days before I can order and possess my own supply of these supplements to see what happens longer-term) this fog does not seem to be entirely without form.  It is big, billowess, maybe about a hundred feet tall and 45 feet wide.  Not unlike a large dust devil, but not with any intense motion.  It floats in my image, perhaps two to three feet off of the ground.

Although whatever this is of my anxiety seems to have been banished from my body (at least for now), I certainly would not say “there goes ALL my body holds of trauma!” because I know better.  But what burden is THIS “thing” that seems to have sunk itself into me the moment I left my southern home to head to this foreign northern land (of my past)?

++

My dear friend came to visit baby and me this morning.  She comes for 2 hours once a week and takes us OUT of this tiny apartment.  She also brings me three-servings worth of some kind of her healthy excellent home-cooked meals.  Maybe?  Because of this “backing off/out of me” of this darkness today I was able to think about asking her to take me to the grocery store (I am still not able to drive her because of my extreme anxiety) for some food to cook — her way.

An education!  Home I came with carrots, onions, peppers, garlic, yams, sweet potatoes, squash, broccoli, cauliflower, leeks, brussel sprouts, asparagus — all fresh although I could only find organic carrots!

In between writing these words I am cleaning and chopping.  My friend’s secret?  She ROASTS her collection of vegetables tossed with sea salt, black pepper and olive oil for 40 minutes at 400 degrees – beginning with the ones that need the longest cooking time.  I CAN DO THIS!

(I hate to cook and do little of it, a process that began for me when my last child left home in 2004 and I was left to eat alone.  My consumption of Snickers since I came north does not count as healthy!  Now that I have fake teeth I cannot chew raw vegetables although I do juice wheat-grass and frozen green vegetables every day — usually two or three times.)

Once the vegetables are cooked they will be divided up and frozen to be eaten as is or added to whatever dish I might like later on.

+++++++++++++++++++++

It seems that no post I have written for many months ends up addressing what I want it to.  It seems that huge parts of me linger behind the scenes — or somewhere else — other than where I currently reside with this body of mine.

I certainly woke with a clear title in my thoughts this morning.  What was that title?  Where is that post?  Was all of it too close to my dreams to actually make it across the threshold into THIS waking world?

It was about danger.  About disaster.  About a contrast to a sense of security.  Not specifically safety, as in “safe and secure attachment.”  Just about how a sense of SECURITY in the world seems to be the countermeasure to a sense of DISASTER.

In connection to this some vague part of me was also thinking about how a permanent (in the body) sense of DISASTER makes it impossible to CHOOSE to “feel secure” in one’s life.

Yet what might I be able to do (choose to have present in my life) that would HELP me feel more secure?  Does the presence of the Big Black Cloud of Trauma in the body interfere with being able to make these helpful, healthful choices?  I would say “Yes!”

But it also interests me to note that these thoughts appeared as I was evidently benefiting from this supplement my friend shared with me.  If I had transportation perhaps I’d make it across town to that same store and spend twice what I should be charged for that product.  My friend should be back to see me on Sunday and perhaps I can “borrow” a few more supplements from her to tide me over until mine arrive.

++

I feel a little hopeful at this discovery that would not have come to me if I were not living in Fargo now.  To be here when my friend arrived at the time of the death of her beloved mother.  Now I know something I did not know before.

Never mind it snowed first time of the season yesterday.  The sun is trying to show itself and has at least made all that white stuff go away.  But the days are getting shorter and shorter, the nights darker and darker, the temperatures colder and colder, and days without strong north winds fewer and farther apart.  “The end is drawing nigh” in significant ways.  Unless one can hold on tightly to the knowledge “I will survive.  No matter what.  Or die trying.  Because another spring will come.”

I don’t want that sense of disaster to swallow me up again.  Can I be detached enough to marvel at a change if feeling tone I am probably going to experience if indeed this swirling blackness swallows me up again before I can have my own remedy at hand?  Will I learn something else new through this whole process —  other than how tasty my roasted vegetables taste?

++

I have another friend in town who is picking me up to go with her to an open clay studio several times a week.  We will go again tonight.  Interesting how I can remember how to throw a pot after nearly a quarter of a century away from this process!  That’s encouraging, and this is fun!

I will survive!  No ray of sunshine will enter this one window in the small room I spend my days in with my grandson for another four months.  Time.  It moves on….

++++

Source Naturals Theanine Serene with Relora

  • Contains the amino acids L-theanine, to support relaxing brain wave activity
  • Contains taurine to ease tension, as well as the calming neurotransmitter GABA
  • Features magnesium to support muscle and nerve relaxation
  • Contains calming holy basil leaf extract and Relora® to gently soothe away the tension in your body
  • 2 tablets daily, or as recommended by your health care professional

++++

Here is our first book out in ebook format.  Click here to view or purchase –

Story Without Words:  How Did Child Abuse Break My Mother?

It lists for $2.99 and can be read by Amazon Prime customers without charge.  Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are welcome.

++++

Leave a Comment »

++++

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